Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A poem

"Some day" he said,
as the snow fell down
I sat there thinking
this mans a clown

So very young
But talks so old
loves to complain about the cold

Snow in March!
so very queer
It doesn't happen every year

"In like a lamb but out like a lion"
that kind of sayin'
I'm just not buyin'

but "they" say it
is what I'm told
At twenty five years old?

People who just copy what their parents say
don't deserve the time of day

Sorry for just making some words rhyme like a small child would do. It won't happen again.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Any Plans?

Second on the list of conversation starters in Ireland (second to the weather of course) is the "Weekend" The Weekend! the Weekend!! The weekend is a magical period of time, two days in which people do stuff. The Weekend, Saturday and Sunday .You make plans for it,telling people about these plans, you carry out these plans, you then tell people (who ask, or who don't)how this went in relation to the planning stage. Now I don't mind my friends telling me about stuff they do, weekend or otherwise, and, will also tell people about what I did (if I think they will find it even remotely interesting) But talking about it for sake of having something to talk about, just to fill some beautiful silence, is something I'm learning and have to get used to. So you have exaushterd the weather, (there giving snow for the weekend) there is silence, you don't know the people well enough to pull a topic out of the air at random (Best biscuit, opinion on peas, were you watching the wonders of the universe on bbc 2 last night) so it falls to "Do any thing exciting at the weekend" For me, this is always a resounding no. in my head. I know I did not do anything exciting, Whatever I did, I enjoyed it. I watched dvds, played computer games and went on the Internet. But it wasn't exciting for me. or you. BUT I must always always always always justify myself to the other person.I can't ever come out and say "Yeah so what? I'm boring" I have to set up some conditions. So I'm asked " go at anything exciting for the weekend?" I say no, but I also say, "not this weekend" Not this weekend! This implies I do exciting things some weekends and may do something exciting next weekend(I wont) and then we banter about how you have to put the feet up some weekends(all weekends) and it's grand to have a quiet one from time to time(all the time)Once the pleasantries of checking out my weekend are done and I have justified my existence to the other person, it is good social practice to say "What about yourself" . I only figured this out recently and it pains me to ask it. It hurts. I don't care about your weekend. Couldn't give a shite. blah blah blah blah blah. "Wow what an exciting life you lead" "the pub is it" "you'll probably have a few drinks there you will. In the pub. where you are going. at the weekend" of course this only applies to those placeholder/fill the silence with people I don't like conversation.

Once the previous weekend is done and dusted, once Tuesdays comes the "Any plans for the weekend" conversations can start

"Any plans for the weekend?"

"No not this weekend"

"Ah its good to have a quiet one from time to time"

"you need to put the feet up"

Friday, March 26, 2010

I don't want to be on the telly but...

...I just want to write a humorous column in a weekend broadsheet newspaper, please will somebody give me a job writing a humorous column in a weekend broadsheet newspaper or even the life style supplement. I'll take a humorous and sideways look at something going on in my own life or in the media, I don't mind I just want to write a humorous column in a weekend broadsheet newspaper(or the lifestyle supplement)I'll even write for the Evening Heralds' Thursday pull out supplement. Please, I will take a satirical look at Ireland's nouveau riche in the post celtic tiger age for the Independents' life magazine or a hilarious look at at a clueless culchie's night out in Temple Bar for the Herald! Downloading killing the Irish music industry? How about looking at it from the other side! Man who runs the times Ticket magazine, give me a call! The property crash, the government, facebook, the ipad, the late late, anorexia, jedward, ryanair, the dole ques, the decling influence of the catholic church in Ireland, Mary Harney, humorous, satirical, sideways glance,......

Please, I just want to write a humorous column in a weekend broadsheet newspaper.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


***WARNING***This post contains foul language, words like FUCK and CUNT. Don't read it if you are easily offended***

The "man" I "work" with loves making things rhyme. It’s like some form of Longfordesque cockney rhyming slang.

Some Examples

1)Flat to the Mat

2)Bell on the Cell

3)Relax the Tax

You are confused. I will translate each one and use them in a sentence.

1)Flat to the mat; Busy

Example "Well lad, not ah fuckin' hope a gettin out to ya this afternoon, I'm flat to the mat boy"

2)Bell on the Cell; Verb, to make a telephone Call


" Is that cunt still on ta ya? wait til I give him a bell on the cell, I'll tell him where to stick his wibbly wobbly wonder"

3) Relax the Tax; Calm down


“Just relax the tax for wan fuckin’ second until I get a loc a grub into the belly and she will be away again or you’ll not see her until Christmas me boy, or if you do she will have the hair colour changed if you know wha I mean or maybe ya don’t but ya will shortly!!!!!”

Poetry is fun.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Made up joke party

I am trying to write a blasphemous joke. The punch line is “The opal fruits of thy womb” I just can’t get the feed line.

What sweets does god allow in heaven?

What are god’s favourite sweets?

Not funny.

What are the holiest sweets?

That’s not bad. I’ll take it.

“What are the holiest sweets?”

“The opal fruits of thy womb”

Or how about

Jesus asked God

“What are holiest sweets dad?”

He replied

“It’s the opal fruits of thy womb, Jesus”

Although that sounds a bit like Jesus has a womb and there are star burst in it.

It needs work.

Happy Dog

"he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Cheap lazy Nostalgia

Remember how when you were young, and had a really nice lunch to bring to school,maybe cheese on your sandwiches or a couple of biscuits, you could not wait until lunch time to come so you could tuck in? You would eat the biscuits on the bus on the way to school. Or how you did swimming lessons in kells just because Mammy made turkey and ham rolls to eat afterwards? But you would eat the ham out of them on the way. It doesn't actually stop as you get older. I ate my lunch at 11 o'clock today. Was late to work as I had to sign on the dole this morning, but called into skellys on the way in to get a sandwich for lunch. Chicken stuffing. So I arrived into work at 10:45. As I was in I was asked to cover the phones so the rest of the office could take a tea break. They left. I was here on my own. With a chicken stuffing sandwich and a can of Pepsi max. No way was it going to last until lunch time.

I probably should have eaten breakfast.

It was nice though. Going to get another at one at lunchtime

Monday, March 22, 2010

Some Context....

RE: The previuos post.

The men were discussing "the rugby" and how big the players are and how many chops they must eat when

"An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”

”An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”

”An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”

The Greatest Boast I Have Ever heard!!!

This really came up in conversation. I wasn’t part of the conversation but I over heard it. I wish I was in a situation where I could say this, or I had friends who would be impressed by it. Actually not really, I cant imagine what it would be like to spend time with people who would be impressed by this. Anyway here it is……………..

Deep Breath

”An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”

Read it again

”An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”


”An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”

I could include the context but I don’t want to. Just remember it was 100% free of irony. And the folks he told were in awe.

I think I'm going to explode. I'm so happy I got to witness this moment.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

St Patricks Day!

St Patricks day is stupid.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A Game of Weather

Anyone fancy a game of weather? A conversation about the weather between two adult Irish males is not just a bit of a chat, it is in fact a fiercely competitive duel from which only one winner emerges. The rules of weather are as follows.

1) The opener.
One male comments on the weather.


Male 1 : “touch of spring about it”

2) The second male responds
This comment must reinforce the opener BUT also undermine the opener


Male 1: “touch of spring about it “

Male 2 : “aye but its cool”

3) Complaining

But men now run with boundaries established in round 2. Both men will be complaining.

Male 1: “touch of spring about it “

Male 2 : “aye but its cool”

Male 1: “ Not much grass growing”

Male 2: “We deserve a bit of sun shine after the winter we had”

Both men will have the opinion that there is an individual, or group responsible for the bad weather and an air of suspicion about them. If possible, they will blame the government.

Male 1: “touch of spring about it “

Male 2 : “aye but its cool”

Male 1: “ Not much grass growing”

Male 2: “We deserve a bit of sunshine after the winter we had”

Male 1: “There is something they are not telling us”

Male 2: “ Not much grass growing”

Round three can last several hours.

4) The finish

The most powerful man in a game of weather will be the man who knows “WHAT THEY ARE GIVING”

Male 1: “touch of spring about it “

Male 2 : “aye but its cool”

Male 1: “ Not much grass growing”

Male 2: “We deserve a bit of sunshine after the winter we had”

Male 1: “There is something they are not telling us”

Male 2: “ Not much grass growing”

Male 1: “ They are giving it until Sunday”

The second man should ,under no circumstances agree, with this

Male 2: “I thought it was to pick up before the weekend”

It is now all about who wants it more

Male 1: “ No, it’s until Sunday”

Male 2: “ Oh is it”

And Male two has surrendered! White flag in the air!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I am a prick

I am applying to do a masters course in september. As part of the thing I had to write 600 about my hopes and dreams.

This is the rough draft I have just finished. Still full of mistakes.

"In the current economic climate I believe that a master’s qualification is very important. It feels to me at the moment that my education, even at honours degree level, is incomplete. I completed my degree last year with the view to taking a year out before applying for a master’s course and gaining work experience and saving money. Applying for positions has only reinforced in my mind the importance of further education. After much fruitless searching for work and a couple of small opportunities I have started a fas work placement programme, which although is unpaid, it is giving me valuable experience in the recruitment industry. I feel that with my current unpaid work experience and hopefully an eventual masters qualification I will be in an ideal position to begin a career I will like and will be much more attractive to potential employers. I also feel that now is the perfect time in my life to begin a masters course, I am still hungry to learn and develop further and I don’t know if I were to leave it for another year or more if I still will be. Also migration is becoming an option (or a necessity) and I don’t want to have to leave Ireland, I feel if I do now I may never get a chance to complete my studies. I have always thought that I don’t want to be a person who studies a subject at third level and then ends up working in a completely different area. I am determined to finish my studies and begin a career that I have been working hard for the past number of years.

I feel that that the economic downturn has presented me with the chance to really embrace the chance to further my studies and my academic career. I think that one should look at and seek out the positive aspects of the situation. It would be too easy to use the recession as an excuse to give up and settle into a job one would be unhappy in or even to live off social welfare payments but I do not want to do this I believe that it has presented me with a challenge and a chance to work hard to overcome the adverse economic conditions and strengthen my character. I feel education and a chance to study the current working environment will be essential as Ireland emerges from recession into a changed business and economic world.

I feel that due to my current situation after a long period of unemployment and doing work placement for free I am in the perfect frame of mind to tackle something as work intensive as a master’s qualification. I have realized now more than ever how much having a goal and a task means to me and how important it is to keep ones minded focused and active. I think now after a period of not working I will appreciate the challenge and the opportunity even more then I would have other wise.

I think that the work that I am currently doing in the recruitment industry as part of my work placement program will be very beneficial to me in doing a masters qualification in hr and industrial relations. It is giving me first hand experience of one aspect of hr that I feel will be an excellent spring board back into studying the subject, as the placement ends in august I think that it will the perfect time to start, as opposeeed to after a period of unemployment. I think seeing the industry and then studying at that level will give me an excellent feel for the world of hr and set me up very well for my future career"

What a Dickhead

Monday, March 8, 2010

My Gambling Addiction

Lost ten euro on the Oscars last night. The Coen brothers' "A Serious Man" should win every award there is in the world. It and Fantastic Mr Fox. The two best films of the last year. Anyway I put ten euro on a serious man to win best picture at 100/1. It was a fun bet. The second bet I placed this year. The other one was on the super bowl a few weeks ago. Won 17.50! Go Colts! or Saints! Or lakers or other american team. God bless America. So I'm up 7.50 including my loss last night. Two bets this year on two novelty events. My Mother is now convinced I have an addiction to gambling. No matter what the result last night,this was always going to be the outcome. If I won, that was it, I would get drunk on the thrill of winning so much money and if I lost,like I did, I'm going to keep gambling to cover my losses. Damm right I am, going to put a monkey on little toddy pipkins in the 3:15. Not really. I might bet on who killed Archie Mitchell though. I reckon Bradly did it. I don't think betting on novelty events is the same as a gambling addiction. I don't think I can go to gamblers anonymous and confess my addiction of betting 2 euro on the outcome of a soap story line or who will win x factor(Damm you Stacy!) It would be like going to a meeting for drug addicts and saying I can't shake this twix addiction. I eat 3 a day. It's not real gambling is it? Its as much gambling as watching pulp fiction is taking smack. Tony Soprano doesn't organise an executive game for people watching dancing on ice, although that would be a good episode "aaaa 5gs on the guy from boyzone aaaa bada bing etc"

Maybe I do have a problem? Maybe I'm in denial. It will be in embarrassing in 5 years time, reading this, when I need to borrow money from my family to place a bet on which celebrity will be mauled to death in what ever the latest show is.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

How not to eat Ice-Cream

Ice-cream should only come in single serving tubs. If you want more, buy two. Or three. Big tubs are bad. If there is a large tub that must be divided up between many people, use a single spoon to serve it into individual dishes and give each individual person a separate spoon. Never just leave it a free for all. It's not that I don't like sharing, I do, I'm very nice. But if the tub is opened and everyone dives in with their spoons it is just disgusting. Spoon goes in ice cream. Spoon goes in mouth. Spoon goes back into ice-cream. Mouth. Ice cream. Mouth. Ice-cream. Mouth. Ice-cream. This is fine for one person, but when there are 2,3,4 + people doing this it is horrible. All those spoons in all those mouths in just ONE tub of Ice Cream!!!! It soon becomes a tub of ice cream with added saliva. Think about it. Why not just regurgitate the ice cream into each others mouths like a mother bird feeding it's babies!!!

Doesn't just apply to ice cream. Jelly too.

Saturday, March 6, 2010


Saturday afternoon. All I can think about is getting a chinese tonight. Firstly, do I even need Chinese? It is really bad for you. Signed up for the great Ireland run this week on the 19th of April, trying to get back in shape for that after a winters grazing. Chinese wont help. But it tastes so nice. Secondly, if I do get chinese, What will I have? I could play it safe and go for a chicken curry, rice and chips. (Rice and Chips! Carbs&Carbs) I do like a house special fried rice with curry chips too, its like a chicken curry with a different selection of meats but the balance between liquid (the curry) and solids (meats,rice,chips) is incredibly disproportionate. Almost enough to put you off. I do enjoy a beef mushroom blackbean sauce ((rice and chips)lets take rice and chips as a given))but it doesn't fill you up as satisfying as the dishes mentioned above. Also heard this week about a duck pancake dish which provides the ingredients separately. Crispy duck, pancakes,vegs and sauces and you make it yourself. I would like to try but I'm not sure I want to risk something new. It sounds a bit slight, a bit limp. Thirdly, it's still another 3 and a half hours until chinese time. Who knows whats going to happen in that time that will influences my decision. Maybe I will eat too many biscuits and not want chinese? Maybe someone will suggest we go out for dinner? Maybe someone will buy something nice in the shop an I will eat that instead. Who knows.

Anyway, back to watching the Sopranos

Saturday is the best day of the week.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Flight of the Conchords.

Flight of the Conchords sold out instantly. Within seconds. I could sell my five spare tickets for hundreds of euro to the poor unfortunate people who didn't manage to get any, but I won't. I will keep them and sell them to my family and friends at face value. I hope everyone I got a ticket for realises how amazing I am and showers me with praise and gifts. Praise and Gifts please! Take a moment. Sit down. Think about how great I am. Shower me with Praise.............Stop,no stop really, nor why I do it, don't need or want the praise.

Dragons Den

Dragons Den was good last night. I liked the burgers. I'm not sure about the Bin thing though. At least Sarah invested at last. I think the bin thing would get old quickly. Use it once and then take it off. And put it in the bin. Which is ironic.

Friday 5th March

Happy Blog day