Friday, April 20, 2012


I had my fourth medical today in just over 13 months. I'm pretty sure I'm ok. I was, the last three times. They love giving medicals here. I had the same medical in the mater private before xmas and it cost 350 euro. It costs about 30 here. But the one in the mater came with a special extra which meant I thought I was dying for a couple of hours to help me get my life in perspective and all that. It was very nice of them.

You see....

I was just arriving at Dublin airport early one Monday morning last November. I had had the medical a few days before and was about to get on a plane for New York City. Just as we pulled up to departures my phone rang. It was about half past seven. I never answer my phone usually so the combination of goodbyes and bags and all that meant there was no way I was going to answer it this morning. We got into the airport and before check in I thought I better check out my voice mail. And there it was. A somber and sincere voice, at half seven in the morning, saying "Hello Mr Smith, This is Dr. Reilly in the Mater Private. Could you give me a ring back as soon as possible thanks"

So I did. I rang and rang and rang. No answer. Why were they ringing me? Aids or cancer. That was it. Aids or cancer. I couldn't figure out where I got the aids. But I had it. And cancer. Aids and cancer. Should I check in??? I thought, I will go to New York, put the aids and cancer at the back of mind, and enjoy one last week, then try to explain to people at home it wasn't bad aids but some mix up with a hospital needle or something. I had been having a lot of medicals. I checked in and had some coffees. Rang them. No answer. Through security. Rang them. No answer. Through the weird american thing. No answer. It was too late now. I was bringing my aids and cancer to the U.S.A.

I rang through to reception and eventually got through to the reception in the medicals department. They told me the doctor was unavailable and I said "Look I'm getting on a flight to America in half an hour (it wasn't half an hour, it was an hour but I was dying, so I was allowed to be dramatic and tell lies)and would love to talk to her before I get on the flight"

Ten minutes later my phone rang. "Hello Mr. Smith, Dr. Reilly here, I forgot to include your height on the form, do you know what it is?

I told her.

"Thats great, bye, have a nice holiday"

I knew I didn't have aids. Why did she tell me I did??? What a fucking cunt.