Sunday, June 27, 2010

Previously...........on wall of blog

Had to shut things down for a while.

Managed to convince myself that my work computer was being monitored remotely by head office.

Its not like its stacked with porn or anything bad but I write most of my blog posts there and they are derogatory about people within the organisation and contain things about transsexuals getting blow jobs.

Then I realised I don't live in jack Bauer 24 ctu land and nobody cares what I do.

I'm an idiot

Friday, June 18, 2010

Shilpa Poppadom?

Anyone see big brother last night?* It was a classic episode. Pringles got in hot water with Big Brother for shitting in the oven (his defence being “I’m mentally ill) and as punishment had to drink rat’s piss. Rats wasn’t happy about having to piss into a bottle in the diary room but rules are rules. Mellissa was not happy when M.C Blackskin (yo ya lookin’ @ me wha 4) said her tattoo looked wack. Mellissa, who has had Jordan’s face tattooed on to her own , got upset in diary room and vowed she would win big brother to prove the doubters wrong, and put money towards getting an extra large breast grafted on to her back “3 for 2 is an offer the jazz mags couldn’t refuse” she said. M.C Blackskin (yo ya lookin’ @ me wha 4) told her he would make it up to her and compose a rap about the incident some day. The white rapper is convinced big brother is just what his career needs. Another conflict arouse when Becks took offence to Dwayne’s “thinks he is Prince Andrew” attitude. “So what if I have 8 kids and am making 60000 pound a year on benefits I’m entitled to it, at least I earned it and wasn’t just handed money by mummies and pop pop” Dwayne later admitted in the diary room it wasn’t the benefits that annoyed him, it was the fact that while in the big brother house she left her kids in the care of Diana and Jade, her two dogs. When she quip “Babies shit, Dogs eat shit” Dwayne had had enough.

Other highlight of last nights episode included Geordie good time gal “Cheryalisous” (and pre op transsexual) getting a blow job from gay Gulf war veteran Michael. Michael who lost both arms, legs and his sight in the Gulf later said “Me wife’s going to kill me”

*I didn't see Big Brother last night. I'm guessing this is fairly spot on though.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

"He's not Roy Walker Gareth"

Man, on the phone to his friend who was up in court today for beating up his girlfriend, just got the news that the scumbag got off so declared;

“Well done boy you won’t be on her Majesty’s secret service tonight”



Now drawing on my limited knowledge of the English justice system, which comes mainly from eastenders (and Wikipedia) I know that the saying “At Her Majesty's pleasure” is a slang term for being in prison. In England. On the other hand, drawing from my limited knowledge of film(and Wikipedia) “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” is the sixth film in the popular James Bond film series. Released in 1969, it is George lazenby’s one and only outing as the secret agent.

I wonder is there a part of his brain that just goes “Look, you don’t really know what you’re talking about, you have some hazy idea of something you have heard someone else say, try really hard piece it together and fire it out. If you pull this off you will look so cool. You will become know as the witty one in the group, people will marvel at your wonderful quips. You will be a “Character”. Conversely, if it doesn’t make any sense no one will really notice and they will let it slip past unnoticed. Although someone with an actual working brain may over hear and write about it on his blog, but I don’t concern myself with people with actual working brains so it makes no difference to me. It’s like that time my friend showed me a picture of a cow on his phone ,which I found impressive so I declared “She’s an animal” My friend agreed. I think someone in my office want to scream “OF COURSE SHE’S AN ANIMAL, WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE? SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING SEE” but they didn’t"



“Well done boy you won’t be on her Majesty’s secret service tonight”



Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Friday, June 4, 2010

"If a lion could speak, we could not understand him"- Wittgenstein 1913 . (PI, p.223)

The man who orders the stationary and office supplies at work is a fucking idiot.

He ordered a calculator for one of the girls this week, what follows is the exchange between them after it arrived.

Fucking Idiot: Your new calculators here....Shes a ten Reg

Girl: What????

Fucking Idiot: Your calculators here....Shes a ten Reg(grinning like the gormless idiot that he is)

Girl: (laughing nervously) OK......I don't know what you mean

Fucking Idiot: Your calculators here....Shes a ten Reg

Girl : Okay....thanks

Fucking Idiot: Shes a ten Reg alright, top of the line!!!2010!!!!

(Girl long gone out of the room)

Fucking Idiot: A ten Reg!!