Monday, April 30, 2012

Labour Day

I found out why I had the day off work on Saturday. It's labour day on the first of May. It is a day when the Chinese government thanks everybody who has a job and contributes to society. There is like a speech or something and most people get the day off. People also go to nursing homes and stuff and visit people who are dying and have no family of their own.

There are loads of days like this. There is Womens day, Army Day, Children's Day, Teachers Day, National day and loads others. Someone makes a speech and thanks people. I think they are basically themed bank holidays. Although you don't always get the day off. It's more like Fathers day and Mothers day only with government intervention.

That's 21st century communism in action

Sunday, April 29, 2012

One thirdedly review

Nearly one third of the way through wallofblog blogaday 2012. I'm pretty sure this is the most effort I have ever put into anything in my life. I feel bad when I don't get the blog up on the day itself but I have a job now an after a hard days work I like to kick back and chill.

There is an american boy here who talks like that. He doesn't just sit and do nothing he "chills". He kept saying he had to "dip" and I had no idea what he meant for ages. Apparently it means to leave. When you are leaving somewhere say "I gotta dip" You will be cool.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

It flew

Can you believe he is nearly a month gone already?? It flew now, it is just flying, sure you'll not find until he is back. A month. Already!! It. Flew. CAN'T. BELIEVE. IT.

Friday, April 27, 2012


I ate stupidly spicy chicken wings last night. They were too hot. We had been out for food and beer and it was late and we were being kicked out of the place so our options were go to a night club or find someplace still open selling food and beer. We went for the second one. It was a dingy little hole of a place, reminded me of something you would see in granard. I've been sitting on the toilet most of the day. I don't know why we got them but once we did we all had to show off and eat loads. There was a fight in the place as well. It's just like granard.

The english in this post is very bad. I have just spent the last 2 hours teaching "Excuse me, That's ok, I'm sorry" to three different, but all very stupid classes.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

May Bank Holiday weekend or something

It's some festival here this weekend, Dragon boat festival or tomb sweeping day or something. It means I have Saturday off work. It's a public holiday. It's strange here though because the government make you take the day off work for the Holiday but then they make you make that day up. I have to work Monday instead. That means I will be working three full days next week. I hope I'm able for it.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Party time

Twitter, Facebook, youtube, wordpress, blogspot. All banned here. Try to access them and you get a 404 page unavailable page. It's a good thing I suppose. If the Chinese people saw my lol cats there would be anarchy. I know the Chinese government is all powerful and never make mistakes(they don't), it was nice of them to allow the blogspot ipod app to work. It means I could write these blogs for free without having to pay a proxy, but what cunt types anything on an ipod???

Good call by the greatest government in the world, if you're going to let something slip through, make sure it is so shit it can't be used.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

You. Me. Him.

We were out last night for a few beers. After a while, two Chinese men started to talk to us. This happens from time to time. Their English was ok. One of them started to tell us he was rich and that he owned a chain of noodle restaurants in New Zealand plus a construction company in China. He said he would spend a million dollars on a car, "its no problem" He took our numbers and told us he would pay for our food. Again this happens from time to time. Then he said he was bringing me and my friend away next weekend and he would pay for any prostitutes we wanted. "its no problem"

I work weekends. Shite.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Made up Joke

Thinking about Chuck Norris yesterday and how people pass them off as jokes, made me want to write my own joke.

Here we go

I haven't told it to anybody. Feel free to use it.


A man was checking some stuff out of a library, as he was leaving he left some vegetables on the desk. The librarian said "Sir, What is this?" He replied "Oh its just a turnip for the books"

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Well lad

Remember the on-line Chuck Norris random fact generator that was funny for about ten minutes around ten years ago??? Basically The Chuck Norris doesn't verb a noun, the noun uncharacteristically verbs to Chuck Norris' will or whatever??? Yeah, did you know youngsters quote them like they are jokes they invented. It's common to hear ten of them in a row here, back and fourth. One smiles and laughs politely but dies a little on the inside.

Saturday, April 21, 2012


It's funny how in a communist country where freedom is crushed at every turn, I have more freedom than ever. I drank 15 pints of beer the other day(A personal best,thank you, thank you). On a weekday. At 12 o'clock. I would never get away with that at home. Who are the real bad guys?????

I went for a medical yesterday and, as a white man, I got to skip the queue at every turn. Of course, because I'm a white man, all the people who I skipped ahead of came into the various exam rooms to have a look at the white man with his top off. Almost totally hairless and flabby. We are all like that. At home you couldn't go into an exam room when someone else is having a medical. The doctor examining me didn't care. Imagine, in Ireland, following a black man into an examine room and saying to the doctor "Just having a look, want to see the colour of his nipples" "That's grand man, come in" Wouldn't happen. But people here have the freedom to do it. They also litter, spit, hit their students(I don't) and smoke inside.

Seems okay to me. Don't know what all the commies are bad fuss is about.

Friday, April 20, 2012


I had my fourth medical today in just over 13 months. I'm pretty sure I'm ok. I was, the last three times. They love giving medicals here. I had the same medical in the mater private before xmas and it cost 350 euro. It costs about 30 here. But the one in the mater came with a special extra which meant I thought I was dying for a couple of hours to help me get my life in perspective and all that. It was very nice of them.

You see....

I was just arriving at Dublin airport early one Monday morning last November. I had had the medical a few days before and was about to get on a plane for New York City. Just as we pulled up to departures my phone rang. It was about half past seven. I never answer my phone usually so the combination of goodbyes and bags and all that meant there was no way I was going to answer it this morning. We got into the airport and before check in I thought I better check out my voice mail. And there it was. A somber and sincere voice, at half seven in the morning, saying "Hello Mr Smith, This is Dr. Reilly in the Mater Private. Could you give me a ring back as soon as possible thanks"

So I did. I rang and rang and rang. No answer. Why were they ringing me? Aids or cancer. That was it. Aids or cancer. I couldn't figure out where I got the aids. But I had it. And cancer. Aids and cancer. Should I check in??? I thought, I will go to New York, put the aids and cancer at the back of mind, and enjoy one last week, then try to explain to people at home it wasn't bad aids but some mix up with a hospital needle or something. I had been having a lot of medicals. I checked in and had some coffees. Rang them. No answer. Through security. Rang them. No answer. Through the weird american thing. No answer. It was too late now. I was bringing my aids and cancer to the U.S.A.

I rang through to reception and eventually got through to the reception in the medicals department. They told me the doctor was unavailable and I said "Look I'm getting on a flight to America in half an hour (it wasn't half an hour, it was an hour but I was dying, so I was allowed to be dramatic and tell lies)and would love to talk to her before I get on the flight"

Ten minutes later my phone rang. "Hello Mr. Smith, Dr. Reilly here, I forgot to include your height on the form, do you know what it is?

I told her.

"Thats great, bye, have a nice holiday"

I knew I didn't have aids. Why did she tell me I did??? What a fucking cunt.

Thursday, April 19, 2012


Remember the picture of the hot ride I posted yesterday???? The cunt died on me today about a mile from my house. It was fully charged, I don't know why she cut out. I had to peddle it back. Fuck me. It doesn't have gears. It was like that time when,years ago, my cousin and I cycled on reighley bikes to the village and cried at John Smiths on the way home because it was too hard. At least I had a bottle of lucozade that time.
Can't get her started now. Fuck her. The bitch.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Ride

She needs a clean. Very sandy.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Water Cooler Talk

We can't drink the tape water in China because it's full of bad things. Every apartment has a water cooler.

When I was away someone switched mine because they couldn't be bothered to clean their own. Here is what I was left with.

There is a yellow liquid trapped in the top of it.

It is horrible. I have asked for a new one. You would be safer drinking the tap water.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Welcome to the working week

This is my working week.

Monday. Day off.
Tuesday. Day off.
Wednesday. Day off.
Thursday. Sit in the office. No teaching.
Friday. 18:00-19-30
Saturday. Full Day
Sunday. Full Day.

Not bad.

Sunday, April 15, 2012


There are a lot of young teachers here at the moment. What, you say I'm young?? Nah not really. Lots of 19,20,21 year olds. They are all on the same programme I came out on last year. It's a very strange experience spending time with them. They are able to drink 2, maybe 3, nights in a row and not want to kill themselves. There is not a hint of self doubt or deprecation about them. I suppose that's what happens when you come straight from school or college to this, on your parents dime, without facing the harsh realities or the real world. Anyway I'm rambling, what I really want to discuss is the music they listen to. What the fuck happened to bands? Or guitars? I don't think I'm that old fashioned when it comes to what I listen to, I even listen to a couple of lady singer/songwriters, and some hip hop but the youngsters must recreate a night club at every oppuntuity. It's just people shouting over noise. Ten o'clock break in the morning, someone will whip out there iPod and start the boom boom booms. Call round to someone during the day to drop of papers boom boom boom. Call over for a few drinks boom boom boom. I believe some of it is called "dub step" and it builds to a "sick drop"It all sounds the same!! I know I can be a bit nerdy, and I don't expect everyone to be listening to Leonard cohens excellent 1968 album "songs from a room" all the time, like I currently am, but at least some songs with words and guitars. When I was their age The Strokes and The White Stripes and Franz Ferdinand and The Libertines were doing great work and there was the Killers and Oasis and Snow Patrol and Coldplay for people who didn't know much, but that's all gone now. It's just loud shite. I can't figure out why they enjoy it. One boy says that it drains his energy when he is not listening to this type of music. Like a shit version of the movie crank. What a cunt.

This isn't just some "It was better in my day" type rant because, come on,it still is my day. Its just something I'm confused about. You would be also if you spent time with a group of 20 year olds.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I came up with this all on my own.

I set up wireless internet in my apartment today. This made me very happy. I love wireless internet as I have a lot of wi-fi enabled devices and it affords me the chance to enjoy one of lifes simplest pleasures.......surfing the net whilst doing a poo.

I decided to come up with a snappy simple term to describe this....


Doing an iPoo


I may be a genius.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Go play your video games

What is the greatest video game of all time??? Who is the greatest character? Is it the Legend of Zelda with green fairy boy hero Link? Or Super Mario Bros 3 with our red shirted hero Mario? Metal gear and Soild snake? Championship Manager 99/00 with yourself filling the heros role?

None of the above..

The greatest character ever is this cunt...

The Doodler

and his Game

Doodle Jump

I love this game. When I first got it a couple of years ago, and before my ipod was stolen, I played it for over 50 hours. Altough it's on the ipad, that version never really clicked with me, but I have recently purchased an ipod touch and I'm back on the doodle scene.

The Doodler in action

After a little over 6 hours play time I have smashed all previous doodlings and scored almost 49,000 points.

I'm amazing. I also have a great deal of free time.

Have a doodle. Send me your scores.

Thursday, April 12, 2012


That's my bed. Look at how thick the mattress is. It's just over an inch thick. That is fucking ridiculous, isn't it?!!! It's a Chinese thing though, even in hotels and shit the beds are rock hard.

Fuck it, I imagine it's good for the back or something.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


I haven't had any sweets or chocolate or biscuits for a week and a half now. This is unprecedented for me. I love sweets.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Paying the price

It costs me 8 dollars every two months to write this blog. I have to pay a "proxy" to be able to access this website in China. I hope you appreciate it.

Monday, April 9, 2012


This is my favourite place in Hohhot. It's a tiny cafe/bar down an alley way. The 4 people you can see at the bar are the workers/owners of the place. I was the only customer. They were just starting to watch the imaginarium of dr parnassus today when I went in for a coffee. I watched it also. After that the owner listened to like a rolling stone 7 times and then tried to play it on the guitar. I was there for about 3 hours and the only customer the whole time. It was deadly

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Beer Penis

You get this in some restaurants, you generally get one for the table. There is about 6 pints in it, at a cost of 5 euro. It has a little tap on it so you can fill your glass. It is amazing. They fill it from a keg. It is gassy and warm but very easy to drink.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Shovel in the Dirt keeps the Devil Gone

Did my first day of work today for over eight months. I say work.......

There is no real honour in work unless it's a physically demanding job that you hate. The man who does that, is the man who can sleep with a clear conscience. He does what he has to do....

I go from being on the dole and getting money for nothing, to playing games with kids for 6 hours a day twice a for nothing.

Back when I worked 52 and a 1/2 hours a week on a production line, I may have hated it, but at least it built character, I wasn't taking the easy way out.

What would Springsteen think? He would be disappointed in me, that's a given.

Sorry Boss. I like it here.

Friday, April 6, 2012


Had to use a toilet in public today. I went into KFC but all they had was a squat. I ran across to McDonalds. Squat. I couldn't even try. I know I have written extensively about them before but I had forgotten about the horror. I actually got use to them last time but today they just looked horrible. I ended up getting a taxi home to do it and then getting a taxi back into the city. I didn't ask the taxi driver to wait though. I couldn't have went with that pressure.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Plane Tails!

The novelty and excitement of going on airplanes or aeroplanes, I don't know which is correct, is over for me.

Here are some stories from me being on planes lately.

Flight one

Bad banter.

Leaving Dublin I found my seat 24 e ( in the middle of the middle aisle, disaster) and soon a girl sat down beside me in 24 d. Shortly afterwards a man approached her and said she was in his seat, and she said I was in her seat. I showed her my boarding pass and I was in the correct seat but hers did indeed say 24 e. I quipped with a big smile on my face in,as a sarcastic a voice as possible, you'll have to get off! Suddenly there were tears in her eyes!! I quickly replied I was only messing, and that they would probably upgrade her to first class! but she was shook. Damage done. It turned out she was in the wrong seat and they had taken her connecting flight boarding pass and the stub she had was for her next flight in 24e. I'm glad she moved as I didn't want to sit beside her for 7 and a half hours.

Food. Beef something.

Movies watched: none, but I watched an interesting documentary about building skyscrapers on sand in Abu Dhabi. The kind of thing Alan partridge would love.

Flight two.

Good banter

The in flight menu consisted of a vegetarian pasta, fish or chicken. Guess what option was gone by the time it got to me? Well, she asked the man beside me and me at the same time what we wanted. He said chicken, I said chicken. She said "I have only one chicken left!" I said, quick as a flash, I'll have the fish then, it's grand. Everyone was very impressed. I was a fish eating hero.

Movies watched: We bought a zoo. One of the worst movies I have ever seen. Awful awful awful.

Flight three.

Beijing to Hohhot.

I was the only white person on the plane. I put up and took down the bag in the over head compartment for the girl beside me. I'm nice.

Food: Fried egg in a bap and a Capri sun!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

New blogs!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Jet lag is a cunt.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Failed blog ideas

Here are some ideas I have had for wallofblog that never got off the ground.

1. Random article song

This was going to take place over two days. Day one, I hit random article in Wikipedia. Publish a snap of the article and promise to write a song about it. Day two, publish the song. I spent ages trying to write a song about a strand of protein abc131 or something. Never really worked.

2. The Return of the Elephant. The Elephant character was a contributor to a now defunct comedy science website I co-created in 2003. He was a fully grown African elephant who had the persona of an old English gentleman and plenty of eccentricities. A couple of months ago, I began to write, what was to be an extract from his autobiography, from his discovery in the African jungle by Dr Livingston, through to working the oil fields of Calafornia with Smedly butler, making his fortune with Nathan Rothschild, his part in the boxer rebellion, his fighting in ww1, working as a cadet on hong kong island up to moving back to London just at the out break of ww2 living with a bird call Trevor and an elderly house keeper. It was totally historically accurate and quite funny but I couldn't make it come together as I wanted it. It was also 2000 words, which is a waste of everybodies time.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Automated prepared blog post!

By the time you read this, or it gets published, I should be an a plane. I'm actually writing this on my iPad, on the toilet on Saturday morming. Got to write when you can, I've lots to do day and I better do a few of these.

If the plane crashes and I die (although I probably won't, I will just land on my elbow and get sick) there is a function on blogspot that allows blogs to be turned into books, for 16 dollars a pop. I can't imagine it's a proper book, more one of those fancy "typing in hard back notebooks" that are used for dissertations (I wouldn't know, I didn't have to do one for my pretend degree) I would like this blog to be turned into a "book" and sold in the counter in Kenneth's with all the profits going to the local GAA club. I say GAA club, I mean starving kids in Africa. Someone needs to proof read it first though, as anyone who writes a daily blog/dissertation knows, it's near impossible to proof read your own stuff with 100% accuracy.

If my body isn't discovered after the crash, assume I'm battling my way through the Russian wilderness or somewhere to get home. Don't publish the blog then though, as I will need it to write an amazing blog post about battling through the Russian wilderness or somewhere.