BBs Back in Business

Was trying to the save the economy the other day with a creation that would lift this country out of recession and put Ireland back on the world stage.....

What could it be.......

Guinness Ice-Cream of course!

Using a base of custard, cream and egg white for the ice cream, the reduced Guinness was added to the mixture and frozen.



At least it looked ok

The results weren’t a disaster, just underwhelming. The majority of the Guinness quickly sank to the bottom of tub resulting in a pretty tasteless ice-cream. To combat this, I’d need either something complicated with liquid nitrogen that I don’t really understand or a custom made freezer that had a constantly rotating compartment that kept the mixture moving whilst it froze. If anyone from the department of enterprise is reading this and would like to give me money to purse this further just send me an e-mail.

Until then, this awful awful recession continues.......

One, Two, Ready, Go!!!

Got a Ripley's Believe It or Not book. No mention of Dean Cain anywhere. I thought he was in charge.

Anyway, I skipped straight to the best section and decided to post my favourite picture on here.

Look!

Remembering Stuff!

Hello! Welcome to the first part of a new series here on wallofblog called "Remembering stuff" It's basically what I will do when I'm too lazy to think of anything good,

I do promise though never to remember school, eighties cartoons, or anything confectionery based.




Remember when PlayStations were so popular this got made



It may be the worst thing to come out of the excess of the celtic tiger. It really was awful. I paid 55 euro for it in Tesco the weekend it came out. If I wanted to see a poor representation of our national sport I could just try play it in real life. (Or go to a Cavan match, Am I right sports fans????!!!!!!)

At least we never got Grand Theft Auto: Limerick. Or Need For Speed:Granard


STUFF REMEMBERED. THE END.

I have nothing to declare except my genius

Thought of a bit of witty banter today that I'm going to try to drop in to conversation sometime.

Our parish priest's name is "Oliver".

I'm going to refer to hardcore mass goers in the parish as "Oliver's Army" (Just like the title of Elvis Costello's 1979, No.2 hit "Olivers Army")

Brilliant.

Although my witty banter plans don't always work out. I was in specsavers the other day getting prescription sunglasses (yeah whatever I'm cool) and during the fitting I planned on saying "yes they fit perfect...all we need now is the sun!!!!!!!"

Didn't happen. Bottled it. Just mumbled thanks.

Usually I'm all chat in the opticians. In summer 2010 I was in getting contact lenses and he asked what I wanted them for. I couldn't tell him the truth (which was that I wanted girls to like me, and I needed lenses because girls don't like nerds with their big glasses faces) so I said sport. He replied "Football is it?" "yes" I lied. The conversation continued to the point where he believed I was a nippy corner forward, but I was having a bad year and was going to be dropped before the championship.

"Oliver's Army" ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

POLABLOGGING 2012

So, 2011 saw the end of some of the most vicious, evil, incompetent and downright criminally insane terrorists and world leaders. Yes, that’s right, Brian Cowen and Bertie Ahern are no longer in government!!!


BOOM. SATIRED!

You stupid fucking cunt

As my hairline recedes exponentially with each passing day, the shame and embarrassment of being a 25 year old bald man increases also. The solution to this is the wearing of hats. It's a pretty simple solution and one that works well. I'm a big fan of the hat.



The ever growing hat collection.

Its easy. Going out in public, grab a hat, cover stupid bald head, spare the public the horror of a 25 year old bald man. As you can see I favour the "woolly hat" Or beanie as the cool kids call it. The solution works well in Ireland and can be carried out pretty much year round. The problem I face going forward is my, hopefully sooner rather than later, leaving of this country. Although the solution still applies in the cold winter climates, it becomes unusable in the summer months. The problems also increase. Not only will I want to keep my bald head covered to spare the public from my hideous round head, I also need something to stop my head from burning (as I found out last summer with my first experience of the suns rays burning my head through the thinning hairs.) The woolly hat solution no longer applies. It's just not practical, it looks stupid in the heat and the heat itself becomes unbearable.

The Solution is a new hat.

I recently made an experimental purchase( I only spent five euro) on a new type of hat. I would never wear this hat in this country. As an Irish person I'm predisposed to judge anyone I see with, what I perceive to be, an affectation out of the "norm" and assume that they are a bollox and up there own hole. (I believe from my own experience with other nationalities, Europeans and otherwise that this is a mainly British and Irish phenomenon, other races and nationalities tend to fall on the "good for you" side or don't even notice) This hat definitely falls into the "look at that cunt" category.

The hat



I should wear this hat next summer. I know I should. Its practical. Covers bald head, keeps head from burning, keeps head cool. I will be 5000 miles away. No one will see me. But I will know. Look at it, Its a stupid fucking cunt hat.

Please vote on poll on main page.

Should I wear the hat?

What's art about that?

Got this Jigsaw. It's really hard. 1000 pieces. Its a Monet. I'll keep you abreast of my progress here on the blog until I have it finished.

Already 2012 is shaping up to be the most exciting year of wallofblog yet!

2011. Reviewed. With pictures!

What better way to start 2012 then with a look back at 2011!!!

Went to China


It was like off the telly


Was on this


It was cold and slippy


And amazing


Drank this


Got this


Watched five series of Dexter


Gave some poor, dirty children the gift of language. Well, some pens. This is the middlest of fucking nowhere I have ever been.


Learned to play this. Badly.


Went on one of these. This is a hard sleeper carriage on a long distance Chinese train. There is about 80 of these beds per carriage. I was on the top, 3 beds from the ground!


The Inner Mongolian Grasslands. Or big fields.


This was in the middle of a massive thunder storm. Doesnt look like it. I was on a horse.


Ate this.


Came home.

Learned to cook


Went to America


It was good


Got fatter and balder



THE END

Top 32.7 T.V moments of 2011

1. Psychoville ,series 2, "Not now silent singer!"

2. Parks and Rec ,series 4, Entertainment 720 with Tom Haverford and Jean Ralphio

3. Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle, series 2, episode 4 "Keep your receipts......."

Top 20 Books of 2011

Books!!! Who reads books? Books are for nerds!!!

Top 20 books? more like top ZERO books!

Alright, if I must...

These are all books that I read for the first time this year. I'm not very current, but there are a lot of books and it takes a while to read them. I don't think I'll ever catch up on all the books I want to read.


Top Ten Fiction

10."This Side of Paradise" - F.Scott Fitzgerald

9. "Huckleberry Finn" - Mark Twain

8. "A Princess of Mars" - Edgar Rice Burroughs

7. "Batman : Dark Victory" - Jeph Leob/Tim Sale

6. "The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay" - Michael Chabon

5. "Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell" - Susanna Clarke

4. "The Crossing" - Cormac McCarthy

3. "The Iron Heel" - Jack London

2. "Brights Passage" - Josh Ritter

1. "Down and Out in Paris and London" -George Orwell

Batman aside, none of these take place later than 1949, I like stories set in the olden days of olden times, ah but sure we were happy etc.

Top Ten Non-fiction

10."An Idiot Abroad" - Karl Pilkington

9. "Out of the Ordinary" - Jon Ronson

8. "Bandit Country" -Tony Harnden

7. "What I do" - Jon Ronson

6. "The Men who Stare at Goats" - Jon Ronson

5. "Paranormality" - Richard Wiseman

4. "Them" - Jon Ronson

3. "Empire" - Niall Ferguson

2. "Hiding the Elephant" - Jim Steinmeyer

1. "The Psychopath Test" - Jon Ronson

I really like Jon Ronson.

Top 50 albums of 2011

1. The Essential Bruce Springsteen (disc 1)

Top Twenty Films of the Year.

Everyone's doing it so why not wallofblog? It's been a great year for film and I've seen them all so here's the list.

1. Fast Five

2. Jaws




Top twenty albums tomorrow, books Friday and t.v shows Saturday. Review of the year on Sunday.

Does anyone read this anymore?

A request,


Please never make me watch a YouTube video in your company. Im sure you find it very funny, but I don't like you staring at me while I watch. You're filled with anticipation, expecting me to crack up at the bit where the baby/dog/drunk/person you know, but with whom I have no connection and thus renders this video completely meaningless to me falls/sicks/rides/dances etc etc. I will do it, I will laugh when you start to laugh, but it will be fake. I don't like lying to you but you've forced me to do it. It's not funny. I also have a much better sense of humour than you and something you find funny will be a bit broad for my tastes anyway. I don't think there is a clip on YouTube that's not a bit by a comedian or a piece from a movie or television that is actually funny. Don't try and prove me wrong and give me some links because I wont watch it.

Thank you

I hate

Babies in ads doing thngs that are impossible for babies to do.

Fuck off.

BIG NEWS

Now that I'm back blogging again, I was reviewing some of my posts from last year. They are all brilliant but the stand out ones are from last summer in which I published my teenage poetry. I note that most of my poems started life as songs but lack of talent and musical ability forced me down the poetry route..

In recent months I've picked up the old axe again, and, insiped by Brian wilson's smile album and Springsteen's completion of songs from the darkness era, I have slowly started working on these songs again. How can this be you ask? How can a person like me get back into that mindset again and complete my songs? The mindset of a friendless, chubbly little loser, who can't attract ladies or garner any respect from adults or the community at large. Who can't drive and has no money. Who spends way too much time filling his mind with pointless music, tv and movie facts. It's a challenge.

I may never complete them. I may complete them but feel they shouldn't be heard and I may just complete them and place them on this blog.

Exciting times blog fans. Exciting times.

Ricky Gervais

Ok, so it's time I weighed in on the whole Ricky Gervais Twitter Mong controversy.

Oh hang on it, it's not.

I wrote this Inner Mongolian stand up routine. You wouldn’t get it.

So what is it with people walking in bike lanes??? Are they called walking lanes???!!! No.  So I’m like “ah wheres your bike” . Not to their faces.

This post starts out good but I don’t like the end. Writing in detail about sweets is lazy.

Who is the king of the nuts?  Nuts are big here. Huge. Every shop, every supermarket, heck (heck!?) even ever street corner has nuts for sale.  Its pretty simple for me.  The cashew is the nut king.  Servings of cashews in the west tend to be pathetic. A tiny bag with ten nuts for 3 or 4 euro.  Here, although not available loose, the prepacked bags are hefty. Very satisfying. Of course there is competition from the pastachio, but its his insistence of remaining in the shell that takes some points away. Way to much work.

Any small snack that you cant just open the packet and tip directly into the mouth are never going to earn regale status. M&Ms? great. Skittles. Tip the whole bag directly in there yes please. Opal fruits??? Individually wrapped!!!!. Chewits, I love you, but your wrapping is bringing me down.

Yes We Can

The soft drink cans here have the old style, incredibly satisfying opening mechanism where one lifts the ring and peels back a tear dropped shaped slither of aluminum rather than the more aggressive western style lift and puncture action that has been in use since I was a child.

Recalling the old ways reminded me of a time circa 93 when my cousin and I both had cans of cola (with the aforementioned opening mechanism, the only tie between these two antidotes) and decided to play a game. The game we settled on was pretending to watch Jurassic Park on video. Our imaginations couldn’t even stretch to watching it on a big screen, we wanted glamorous panned and scanned vhs.

My cousin is a soon to be married, soon to be home owning, education professional.

I went on to tape Jurassic park of the telly and create my own video box art.  I later purchased the dvd in a two desk set with its inferior sequel Jurassic Park:  The Lost World. Ten months later I purchased it again as part of the Jurassic Park: The ultimate collection 4 dvd box set set which included the first two movies and the fun if light weight third entre in the series, Jurassic Park 3 and a bonus forth disc of extra features exclusive to the box set. It is worth noting at this stage that I owned both sequels on vhs.

So whats next for me??

A quick scan of on-line retailer amazon shows no forthcoming release  of the movies on Blu-ray, but once they inevitable “drop” I will buy them. If only for the new and exclusive extra features.

In the mean time I’m going to pretend to watch the much talked about, never going to happen, Jurassic park 4. On vhs.

Legs.

Tried to explain fake tan to a Chinese girl today. She didn’t understand.  She could speak English.  But I can speak English and I don’t understand either.