A List

Five things that aren't funny

1)Impressions

2)Men dressed as women

3)Political satire

4)Hilarious YouTube videos

5)Women

I've changed

Sorry for the lack of updates but I have an iPad now so.....

It bis nass

Just got an e-mail, as the owner of wallofblog.net (don't use it) from a person claiming to own wallofblog.com with an offer to purchase it for $200. Should I do it? I paid €9 to own (and never use) wallofblog.net. Maybe I should e-mail him back and offer to sell him wallofblog.net for €200. I will have to use all my Honours degree in Business with second class honours powers to find a solution.

In fact anyone with any business related issues just get in touch, I can help them out. I have a second class honours degree you know so……..

www.wallofblog.blogspot.com BBs

Give me your money. I want your money.

Go to this link

www.mycharity.ie/event/andrew_smiths_event/


I have decided to do the Dublin Marathon for the Asthma society. I had asthma as a child. It was a convenient excuse for being fat and lazy. Thinking about it now, I probably didn't have asthma, I was just fat and lazy. "Oh but you couldn't breathe" you say,well thats what a lot of fat will do to you. I remember,when I was eight, a doctor once telling me about how fat I was, and how much pressure I was putting on my organs, He said "Think of your school bag, fill it up with books and put it on your back, NOW ALSO PUT IT ON YOUR FRONT AS WELL!" Typing this now, I'm not sure what his point was. Anyway I was fat and couldn't do exercise and it was easy to blame the asthma. And he was a cunt.

Give me your money




I may also still have some slight issues with my weight.

Nice Ride

It's in a Jurassic Parking place!

Strange but True

Cats are female dogs.

Lemons are baby oranges.

Jesus invented the helicopter.

Ghosts are exclusively white, black people come back as zombies.

Hitler founded Lidl.

Michael Jackson was the first black man in space, but exposure to space particles turned him white

Horse milk is used to make baileys.

James Bond is allergic to apples.

Chinese babies only spend 4 months in the womb.

Bob Dylan loved the hit sitcom Friends and used to tape the episodes of the telly. He has since bought the box set.

Co-Op

I have agreed to let The Elephant post here on wall of blog in exchange for exclusive extracts form his upcoming autobiography "A trumpet blast: The Elephant never forgets"

so

Read exclusive extracts from The Elephants Autobiography all this month only on wallofblog.

wallofblog first for exclusive extracts of all the big things from cool stuff and that. oh yeah.

Good Morrow

Salutations Blog Fans

Sincere apologies for my prolonged absence from the web, you see, I took some time out to write my memoirs and upon my return I noted my last web based endeavour had gone the way of the gentleman’s pipe and fallen out of favour with the vast majority of folk aside from the select few who still enjoy setting some Butera Pelican English-Oriental smoldering in their Turkish Meerschaum. Upon my inquires as to where to go to once again to resume my musings and writings, I was pointed in the direction of wallofblog and after a brief chat with the brains behind it, I have been handed the keys to the castle as it were (not to confuse them with the keys to my castle, I say castle, its more stately home) and shall be contributing here as regularly as my busy schedule will allow.


It is great to be back. A trumpet!! A thousand trumpets I say!!!!!



I must note you can also follow me on twitter

http://twitter.com/Elephant_says

I promise a blog entry

everyday for the rest of this month. Quality will vary. This counts as one.


Prepare for lots of weak observations and self indulgent rubbish. And my opinion on things. Like this.....

The new Arcade Fire album is good

and

The Wire is good

and

I love Mad Men.

Also trying to pick a charity to run the marathon for but I have had such an easy life so far that nothing has any personal relevance. Can't go wrong with sick kids I suppose. I would like to do it for poor people in underdeveloped nations but I feel a great deal of (middle aged)Irish people with their inherent rasism and ignoance will begrude giving their money to such a cause. They will say things like "Ah but sure where does the money go" and "isn't there enough poor people in this country"

Although ask them to give money for this countries poor they will respond with "They should just get a job" or "it's their own fault, they spent all their money on herion, I need all my money for me"

Fair enough I suppose.

I actually don't want to do the marathon for any charity, I'm only doing it so I will force myself to take regular exercise and not be fat so girls will like me.

Self indulgent rubbish as promised.....

I have wasted too much material in this entry, I doubt there will be one tomorrow.

Salute my Solution

Where's Andrew?

This is a picture from www.joshritter.com taken at his excellent gig in the Iveagh Gardens in Dublin on the 18th of July this year. I'm in it.

(you may need to click on the image and zoom in. Have fun)

Not Coming Anytime Soon!!

I bought www.wallofblog.net. I own it. www.wallofblog.net is mine. I bought so I could move the www.wallofblog.blogspot.com to something nice and simple.

I really should have figure out how to actually export the contents of one site to the URL of an other before I paid the 8 euro. I haven't got a fucking clue how to do it.

Oh well. I can only hope now that wall of blog becomes the title of a major motion picture so I can sell it to the fat cats in Hollywood.

In the mean time visit www.wallofblog.net. It's mine. They don't pay me for the crap they have on it.

Enjoy!

LOVE ME!!! PLEASE LOVE ME

This started out as a song but turned into a poem once I couldn't really keep up the genius of the opening rhyme....

Do you ever feel like a spare
a part of something but you shouldn't be there
you get in the way of the other two
deep inside you know they don't want you
But your afraid to leave them on their own
because you know you'll end up alone
if maybe she would look at you
just the way it was before
before the arrival of the other part
Then maybe I wouldn't take it to heart

This poem doesn't have a name...maybe it should be called "I'm so jealous that the girl who in my head should be my girlfriend likes other boys and not me"

If I have learnt anything from the last couple of days it's that the 16 year old me didn't know the difference between your and you're and also he was pathetic. And fatter.

Untitled

I think initially the less context the better. Just enjoy it. I will check in later with some notes. But for now enjoy this untitled poem.

You are so pretty, you are so clever
I think I'm going to love you forever
Thank you honey for your smile
Your the one who makes it all worthwhile
Deep in my heart you will always stay
I hope that you will love me this way
I just stand and stare when you walk by
to a girl like you I'd never lie

But to someone like me you would never speak
to you I am a short fat geek
You make me feel very small
you pretend not to see me at all
You don't stand and stare when I walk by
Talk to me? You don't even try

Christ.

Inspired by a feature on Andrew Collins and Richard Herrings BBC 6 music radio show on saturday mornings, where they read out their teenage poetry, I decided to have a look and see could I find any of my own work.....GOLD.

I hope to make this a regular feature. This was the first one I found but I know I wrote more... Remember that I'm sixteen, cant understand why girls (and most people) dont like me and I'm a lot more sensitive and deep than people think. Also I should say that although I wrote a great deal of my compositions as songs for my album, todays is a poem.

"ALONE"

It is raining very heavy now
I am surrounded by people
yet I am alone
But alone I am not
as Jesus is with me
Like my heart and my lungs
He will always be there
And When I am out on my own
I shall not be alone
Because Jesus is with me
and with me stay?
long past the day
My heart and my lungs are not [there]
It is raining very heavy now
I am surrounded by people



Holy fuck. I'd love some feedback.

Previously...........on wall of blog

Had to shut things down for a while.

Managed to convince myself that my work computer was being monitored remotely by head office.

Its not like its stacked with porn or anything bad but I write most of my blog posts there and they are derogatory about people within the organisation and contain things about transsexuals getting blow jobs.

Then I realised I don't live in jack Bauer 24 ctu land and nobody cares what I do.

I'm an idiot

Shilpa Poppadom?

Anyone see big brother last night?* It was a classic episode. Pringles got in hot water with Big Brother for shitting in the oven (his defence being “I’m mentally ill) and as punishment had to drink rat’s piss. Rats wasn’t happy about having to piss into a bottle in the diary room but rules are rules. Mellissa was not happy when M.C Blackskin (yo ya lookin’ @ me wha 4) said her tattoo looked wack. Mellissa, who has had Jordan’s face tattooed on to her own , got upset in diary room and vowed she would win big brother to prove the doubters wrong, and put money towards getting an extra large breast grafted on to her back “3 for 2 is an offer the jazz mags couldn’t refuse” she said. M.C Blackskin (yo ya lookin’ @ me wha 4) told her he would make it up to her and compose a rap about the incident some day. The white rapper is convinced big brother is just what his career needs. Another conflict arouse when Becks took offence to Dwayne’s “thinks he is Prince Andrew” attitude. “So what if I have 8 kids and am making 60000 pound a year on benefits I’m entitled to it, at least I earned it and wasn’t just handed money by mummies and pop pop” Dwayne later admitted in the diary room it wasn’t the benefits that annoyed him, it was the fact that while in the big brother house she left her kids in the care of Diana and Jade, her two dogs. When she quip “Babies shit, Dogs eat shit” Dwayne had had enough.

Other highlight of last nights episode included Geordie good time gal “Cheryalisous” (and pre op transsexual) getting a blow job from gay Gulf war veteran Michael. Michael who lost both arms, legs and his sight in the Gulf later said “Me wife’s going to kill me”

*I didn't see Big Brother last night. I'm guessing this is fairly spot on though.

"He's not Roy Walker Gareth"

Man, on the phone to his friend who was up in court today for beating up his girlfriend, just got the news that the scumbag got off so declared;

“Well done boy you won’t be on her Majesty’s secret service tonight”

Now.

Now.

Now drawing on my limited knowledge of the English justice system, which comes mainly from eastenders (and Wikipedia) I know that the saying “At Her Majesty's pleasure” is a slang term for being in prison. In England. On the other hand, drawing from my limited knowledge of film(and Wikipedia) “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” is the sixth film in the popular James Bond film series. Released in 1969, it is George lazenby’s one and only outing as the secret agent.

I wonder is there a part of his brain that just goes “Look, you don’t really know what you’re talking about, you have some hazy idea of something you have heard someone else say, try really hard piece it together and fire it out. If you pull this off you will look so cool. You will become know as the witty one in the group, people will marvel at your wonderful quips. You will be a “Character”. Conversely, if it doesn’t make any sense no one will really notice and they will let it slip past unnoticed. Although someone with an actual working brain may over hear and write about it on his blog, but I don’t concern myself with people with actual working brains so it makes no difference to me. It’s like that time my friend showed me a picture of a cow on his phone ,which I found impressive so I declared “She’s an animal” My friend agreed. I think someone in my office want to scream “OF COURSE SHE’S AN ANIMAL, WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE? SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING SEE” but they didn’t"

Anyway

"prisonmajestypleasureservicegogogo”

“Well done boy you won’t be on her Majesty’s secret service tonight”

Topical!!!!

vuvuzela