Friday, April 13, 2012

Go play your video games

What is the greatest video game of all time??? Who is the greatest character? Is it the Legend of Zelda with green fairy boy hero Link? Or Super Mario Bros 3 with our red shirted hero Mario? Metal gear and Soild snake? Championship Manager 99/00 with yourself filling the heros role?

None of the above..

The greatest character ever is this cunt...


The Doodler

and his Game



Doodle Jump

I love this game. When I first got it a couple of years ago, and before my ipod was stolen, I played it for over 50 hours. Altough it's on the ipad, that version never really clicked with me, but I have recently purchased an ipod touch and I'm back on the doodle scene.


The Doodler in action

After a little over 6 hours play time I have smashed all previous doodlings and scored almost 49,000 points.



I'm amazing. I also have a great deal of free time.

Have a doodle. Send me your scores.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Thick



That's my bed. Look at how thick the mattress is. It's just over an inch thick. That is fucking ridiculous, isn't it?!!! It's a Chinese thing though, even in hotels and shit the beds are rock hard.

Fuck it, I imagine it's good for the back or something.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Sweets

I haven't had any sweets or chocolate or biscuits for a week and a half now. This is unprecedented for me. I love sweets.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Paying the price

It costs me 8 dollars every two months to write this blog. I have to pay a "proxy" to be able to access this website in China. I hope you appreciate it.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Coffee




This is my favourite place in Hohhot. It's a tiny cafe/bar down an alley way. The 4 people you can see at the bar are the workers/owners of the place. I was the only customer. They were just starting to watch the imaginarium of dr parnassus today when I went in for a coffee. I watched it also. After that the owner listened to like a rolling stone 7 times and then tried to play it on the guitar. I was there for about 3 hours and the only customer the whole time. It was deadly

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Beer Penis



You get this in some restaurants, you generally get one for the table. There is about 6 pints in it, at a cost of 5 euro. It has a little tap on it so you can fill your glass. It is amazing. They fill it from a keg. It is gassy and warm but very easy to drink.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Shovel in the Dirt keeps the Devil Gone

Did my first day of work today for over eight months. I say work.......

There is no real honour in work unless it's a physically demanding job that you hate. The man who does that, is the man who can sleep with a clear conscience. He does what he has to do....

I go from being on the dole and getting money for nothing, to playing games with kids for 6 hours a day twice a week....money for nothing.

Back when I worked 52 and a 1/2 hours a week on a production line, I may have hated it, but at least it built character, I wasn't taking the easy way out.

What would Springsteen think? He would be disappointed in me, that's a given.

Sorry Boss. I like it here.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Squat.

Had to use a toilet in public today. I went into KFC but all they had was a squat. I ran across to McDonalds. Squat. I couldn't even try. I know I have written extensively about them before but I had forgotten about the horror. I actually got use to them last time but today they just looked horrible. I ended up getting a taxi home to do it and then getting a taxi back into the city. I didn't ask the taxi driver to wait though. I couldn't have went with that pressure.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Plane Tails!

The novelty and excitement of going on airplanes or aeroplanes, I don't know which is correct, is over for me.

Here are some stories from me being on planes lately.


Flight one

Bad banter.

Leaving Dublin I found my seat 24 e ( in the middle of the middle aisle, disaster) and soon a girl sat down beside me in 24 d. Shortly afterwards a man approached her and said she was in his seat, and she said I was in her seat. I showed her my boarding pass and I was in the correct seat but hers did indeed say 24 e. I quipped with a big smile on my face in,as a sarcastic a voice as possible, you'll have to get off! Suddenly there were tears in her eyes!! I quickly replied I was only messing, and that they would probably upgrade her to first class! but she was shook. Damage done. It turned out she was in the wrong seat and they had taken her connecting flight boarding pass and the stub she had was for her next flight in 24e. I'm glad she moved as I didn't want to sit beside her for 7 and a half hours.

Food. Beef something.

Movies watched: none, but I watched an interesting documentary about building skyscrapers on sand in Abu Dhabi. The kind of thing Alan partridge would love.

Flight two.

Good banter

The in flight menu consisted of a vegetarian pasta, fish or chicken. Guess what option was gone by the time it got to me? Well, she asked the man beside me and me at the same time what we wanted. He said chicken, I said chicken. She said "I have only one chicken left!" I said, quick as a flash, I'll have the fish then, it's grand. Everyone was very impressed. I was a fish eating hero.

Movies watched: We bought a zoo. One of the worst movies I have ever seen. Awful awful awful.

Flight three.

Beijing to Hohhot.

I was the only white person on the plane. I put up and took down the bag in the over head compartment for the girl beside me. I'm nice.

Food: Fried egg in a bap and a Capri sun!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

New blogs!

Www.andrewisinchina.tumblr.com

Www.greatwallofblog.wordpress.com

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Cunt

Jet lag is a cunt.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Failed blog ideas

Here are some ideas I have had for wallofblog that never got off the ground.

1. Random article song

This was going to take place over two days. Day one, I hit random article in Wikipedia. Publish a snap of the article and promise to write a song about it. Day two, publish the song. I spent ages trying to write a song about a strand of protein abc131 or something. Never really worked.

2. The Return of the Elephant. The Elephant character was a contributor to a now defunct comedy science website I co-created in 2003. He was a fully grown African elephant who had the persona of an old English gentleman and plenty of eccentricities. A couple of months ago, I began to write, what was to be an extract from his autobiography, from his discovery in the African jungle by Dr Livingston, through to working the oil fields of Calafornia with Smedly butler, making his fortune with Nathan Rothschild, his part in the boxer rebellion, his fighting in ww1, working as a cadet on hong kong island up to moving back to London just at the out break of ww2 living with a bird call Trevor and an elderly house keeper. It was totally historically accurate and quite funny but I couldn't make it come together as I wanted it. It was also 2000 words, which is a waste of everybodies time.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Automated prepared blog post!

By the time you read this, or it gets published, I should be an a plane. I'm actually writing this on my iPad, on the toilet on Saturday morming. Got to write when you can, I've lots to do day and I better do a few of these.

If the plane crashes and I die (although I probably won't, I will just land on my elbow and get sick) there is a function on blogspot that allows blogs to be turned into books, for 16 dollars a pop. I can't imagine it's a proper book, more one of those fancy "typing in hard back notebooks" that are used for dissertations (I wouldn't know, I didn't have to do one for my pretend degree) I would like this blog to be turned into a "book" and sold in the counter in Kenneth's with all the profits going to the local GAA club. I say GAA club, I mean starving kids in Africa. Someone needs to proof read it first though, as anyone who writes a daily blog/dissertation knows, it's near impossible to proof read your own stuff with 100% accuracy.

If my body isn't discovered after the crash, assume I'm battling my way through the Russian wilderness or somewhere to get home. Don't publish the blog then though, as I will need it to write an amazing blog post about battling through the Russian wilderness or somewhere.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

New blogs alert!

Exciting news.

I have signed up with the micro-blogging site tumblr to produce China based blogs when I'm away. Don't panic though, as my commitment to wallofblog remains at 100%. I don't use facebook or any other social network (twitter doesn't count) and I want somewhere that I can post pictures and stories so as my parents and relations can see them. I don't feel wallofblog is a suitable platform for this as its basically an extended mental break down or a pythonesque, Jon Ronson style, Adam and Joe infused look at the world with a hint of Patrick McCabe, a touch of Lee and Herring and a splash of Chris Morris that ultimate transcends its influences to create a breathe of fresh air in the blogging community. You decided, leave me out of it. Either way, it would ultimately confuse, embarrass and shame my parents.

So the new blog (links will go live later today) will be a semi-regular, brief, pithy and mainly photographic look at my life beyont. There may be some over lap between it and wallofblog, but rest assured wallofblog will receive the "extended edition". I mean that in a good way. The extended edition of a movie is always worse. Why, if you can tell a story in 90 minutes, do you need a 240 minute edition?

Other New Blog Alert.

Long time readers way be aware that I tried, and ultimately failed, to blog my exploits last time I was beyont. I will be re-launching this blog also, under a new name. I am mainly doing it for the new name. You may also remember it used Wordpress, as opposed to blogspot, and this is important to me as Wordpress is the only blogging client not block by the Chinese government. I will still be able to use blogspot though (I know a guy) but I want this Wordpress blog in place as a contingency. I don't know if I will ever use it. I may use to write longer more serious pieces that I will then submitted to the Irish times "Generation Emmigration" section. Although have you ever read any of those articles? I hate all the people in them. They are always about young families that move to Austrailia and wear flip flops or business graduates in Dubai who are making a fucking fortune. I can't put my finger on it but they make me mad.

Anyway, the new blogs should go live later today. I will stick a blog roll on here (a blog roll is a blogging term for a list of links on the side of a page) and keep an eye on them over the coming weeks and months.

I will also still be doing wallofblog daily. Keep it wob.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Big wheels roll through fields where sunlight streams...

When I was nine or ten I was in my friends Francis' house for a day of fun. It had been raining the day before and the grass was wet, but we still had a game of football. I'd imagine he won. When we finished, my feet were wet, so, his mother gave me a fresh pair of his socks to put on.


The Socks

I obviously never gave them back. They have become my favourite socks...although they have seen better days.


"Threadbare" My Mam calls them

These socks have been in England, Switzerland, France, Germany, China and America.

I'm currently packing for my trip on Sunday.....first thing in the bag.....



THE SOCKS

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Cooking

I had to write this for my dad, as I won't be here to do it any more. I'm not writing two things in the one day so it's going here also.


How to cook a perfect Roast dinner.

Taken and modified from “Jamie’s Ministry of food”

You’re looking at about 2 and half hours from start to table.

Ingredients
One of the following:
Pork Roast/Leg of lamb/Whole Chicken/Topside of Beef
2 Onions
2 sticks of Celery
3 bulbs of garlic
Rosemary and Sage and Thyme. Fresh if possible but dried will do. Don’t skip on the herbs, they may seem a bit flashy, but fuck it, you deserve it.
Spuds (Rosters or pinks)
Parsnips
Carrots
Sea Salt
Black pepper
Loads of olive oil
Flour and chicken stock (For Gravy)
Red wine. Buy one of those small bottles if you don’t like red wine. It is ESSENTIAL.


Peel the required amount of spuds carrots and parsnips. Place in pots and cover with water and a sprinkle of salt. (This maybe done the night before) Hold back 2 carrots.

Take the meat out of the fridge.

Get a roasting tray. Chop the 2 carrots and celery. (don’t bother peeling them. Waste of time.) Peel and half the two onions. Break one bulb of garlic up into cloves and place all in roasting tray. Throw in some salt and pepper and a bit of each of the herbs. You’re not going to eat this. The meat will sit on it when cooking and it’s used for gravy. For now leave the meat and this tray sitting side by side.

Stick the oven on gas mark nine.

Stick the heat on under the pots of veg. Once they start boiling, they will need about ten minutes, or until they are just about the fall apart. You can boil the shite out of the carrots though. Be careful if you have loads of supds as they will fall apart, especially the ones at the bottom. You might want to split them between 2 pots if you have loads. Same with parsnips. When done leave them in the colander to dry, no panic.

I like to give meat about an hour and a half and 20-25 minutes to settle before carving, so I stick it in the oven at 10:50. Give pork an extra 10 minutes. If you are doing chicken stick a lemon in the cavity, jutting out. This means the air inside the chicken heats up, cant escape, and part cooks the chicken from the inside out (meaning you don’t need to leave it until its dry and horrible to ensure its cooked through) Before putting your meat in the oven, cover it in olive oil and loads of salt and pepper. Sit it on your veg and put it in, as close to the top as possible.

Turn the heat down to six.

I use two ovens and two roasting trays when doing my veg. If you don’t need to cook as much food just use one tray and stick it in the oven with the meat.

This is how you do perfect roast veg.

Preheat your second oven.

Put out your two trays. Pour in a layer of olive oil so the base of the trays are cover. Take the other 2 bulbs of garlic. Break into cloves. With the back of a big knife crush each clove slightly. Divide evenly between the trays. Divide the rest of your herbs between the two trays. Salt and pepper. In your tray you’ve got olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic and a mix of herbs. I like to get the veg on about half an hour after the meat. Before this, put the trays in the oven for a few minutes until the oil gets hot. Cut any massive parsnips or spuds in half down the middle. Evenly lay the spuds out in one tray. They must NOT be layered. If you have too many, it doesn’t matter, don’t put them in the tray it will ruin everything. Give your tray a few tosses another splash of olive oil and salt and pepper. Put it in the oven on the shelf below the meat. Do the same with the second tray and the carrots and parsnips. Bang it in the top oven. If you only have a small amount of veg or just one oven, they can all go in the one tray as long as they are not layered.

Meat is in at 10.50

Veg in at 11.20

At half 11, take the meat out and give it another covering of olive oil. Tip a small glass of water in around the veg it’s sitting on.

At 12 take out the veg and turn them.

At 12.15 or 12:20 take your meat out. If its done how you want it, place on a tray. Cover in Tin foil and a couple of tea towels.

Place your spuds on the top shelf of the oven and turn the heat up to nine. If you have veg in the top oven move them to the middle of the bottom oven

Boil the kettle and dissolve 2 chicken stock cubes in 500ml of water.

GRAVY. Put the tray that the meat roasted in and its contents over a low heat. Throw in a big table spoon of flour. Stir it up. Put in your chicken stock. Stir it up. Throw in half a glass of wine. While still over the heat, mash the fuck out of this with a spud masher. All those all those roasted veg and herbs along with the meat juices and fats and the wine and stock. Mash, mash, mash. Strain this whole mixture through a big sieve into a pot. AMAZING GRAVY.

It should be around half 12 now. I’d give the veg another 15 minutes and after that it’s at your discretion.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I'm a stupid cunt.

Yesterday I was taking a walk around a few of my old haunts, having one last look before I leave. It was pretty emotional.

I walked down to the river in the sunshine and talked to the swans. I headed over to the lake where I spent many summers as a child and sat on the pier looking out at the deadly still water reflecting the cloudless blue sky.

I then wandered off the path to get to my old fishing spot where I have spent countless evenings with my dad, repeatedly casting, but never catching anything! I hopped a gate and walked close to the lake shore. I had to cross a fence that jutted out slightly into the water to get where I was going. Studying my environment, I figured I would climb up a tree on one side of the fence and jump down the other side. I climbed the tree, and as I got up to the right height, I realised it was too high to jump down. Giving up, I began my descent but slipped and fell out of the tree, down onto rocks. I landed hard on my elbow and lost all feeling in my arm. I couldn't move any of my fingers as the blood gushed out. I stood up and was incredible dizzy, and, as my environment spun,I got a feeling in my stomach and without knowing what was going on, I vomited on myself and on the ground. A voice in my head said "Come on Andrew, don't pass out" In that instant, everything was over. I thought my arm was broken. I wasn't going to China. I was going to have to explain to people I couldn't go to China because I broke my arm climbing a tree. A 26 year old man. I was going to have to explain that to my parents.

Luckily, within about a minute, the feeling returned to my arm, and, one by one, to my fingers. Although bruised, cut and swollen there is no long term damage to my arm, side and thigh.

I was pretty fucking lucky.

The moral of the story is "Adults, Don't climb tress!"

It's also damaging to my pride. 15 or 16 years ago, my younger cousin told me that I was "the best tree climber in mountnugent"

His words.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

A Game!


Inspired by old Irish legends, I invented a game to play when out for a run.

1. Get a load of spit in your mouth.

2. Fire it as high and as far into the air as possible.

3. Run on and try to get your spit to land on your face.

****Tips****

Don't speed up before you fire. Even the slightest hint of acceleration will project the spit beyond your reach.

Bonus points if it lands back in your mouth.

It is awesome and disgusting.

This is the kind of shit I do now. I'm going away so I don't care about anything. I had 3 fudge bars today. FOR BREAKFAST! FUDGE BARS! FOR BREAKFAST! I'm going off the rails.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Sports

Shortly after I came home, I went into the sports shop in Cavan to get some running gear. I wanted a pair of leggings for running. I knew the winter was coming and(and although she ended up horrid mild) I always find the worst thing about running in the winter is the thought of putting on shorts in the cold weather. I flicked around the rails and on the sales hanger there was a pair for 25 euro. They were unisex and the cheapest pair in the shop. Just what I needed. I thought. I brought them to the counter and, as the teller was ringing them up, he said "you know these are children's size?" obviously I didn't, but I said "yeah yeah yeah, exactly what I need" Every 25 year old man wants sports gear for a child dont they? My inability to select the right gear, and my unwillingness to admit I made a mistake, cost me 25 euro and meant I was freezing this winter.

Good times.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Song!

Head over to the wallofblog soundcloud to hear the legendary "A stretch in the evening" specially re-recorded for the day that's in it.

Enjoy!


A Stretch in the Evening