I'm a failure

As I knew I was going to be near the shop today, I decided I was going to go into gamestop and buy The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. For those unfamiliar with the game, its a massive open world fantasy adventure game featuring globlins and glorcs and misty mountains and forbidden woods and ye olde pints of mead and all that sort of rubbish.

It's such a huge game that you can ignore the main storyline and just go on exciting quests, get married, take jobs, earn money, buy houses etc Basically all the things I can't do in real life. It was this fact I had decided to play on and apply my trademark witty banter with the shop assistant as I purchased the game.

I had planned to say "Huh, at least I might get a job in this (referring to the content of the game I was buying), I can't get one in real life!!!!!!!!(playing humorously, and with a hint of self deprecation, on the current economic climate and the effect it is having on the youth of today. There is also a whole other layer to this, the very fact I'm buying a video-game shows how I'm filling my time with pointless things as I slide gently into depression caused by a lack of reason and direction)"

Yeah, sure, it's nerdy and a bit clumsy, but my banter with the gamestop shop assistants is usually legendary.

Alas, today was not my finest hour. As I exchanged the game for my easily earned cash, I panicked and shouted "I MIGHT GET A JOB" The shop assistant politely said "that's good, enjoy the game" and I left.

HE DIDN'T GET THE CONTEXT, IT WAS RELATED TO THE GAME I WAS BUYING. IT WAS WITTY!

It's a good game though.

Behind the Magic part 2. A TRIBUTE. Russia.

Wall of blog has had almost 4000 hits since its inception in early 2010. If I allowed advertising on this site I could have made almost 4 euro. Don't worry though, I will never allow advertising on wall of blog. I wouldn't sell out my principles just for a whole heap o'greenbacks.

(I would write a whole paragraph though, just to use the phrase "Whole heap o'greenbacks")

Just over half my hits come from Ireland, 25% from the UK/USA and the rest from a variety of non-English speaking countries (aside from New Zealand). By far the most popular from this group is Russia. I don't believe I'm particularly Russian centric on the blog, in fact, I've never even been to Russia! I did work with a Russian man once though, he gave me sweets. (This wasn't my job, taking sweets from a Russian man, it was on a production line in a furniture factory.)

Over the next while I will be paying tribute to all my foreign readers and the various countries they come from.

This is what I know about Russia.







Oh and if you find this vaguely racist, be aware I'm exposing your ignorance, not mine

The Rest of Sundays Post. I only did 4 days because I was too lazy to do any more so here are the other three days.

I'm enjoying doing these. Before we go back to 1999, I'm going to do to-day in the old style.

Tuesday 21st February 2012

Today was ok. got up at 10 and drank coffee. went for a run, when I got home I drank more coffee. made ten pancakes and ate them all. i was playing my guitar and breda came to give mammy a handbag. daddy came home from work. I went to bed for an hour. daddy was going to cavan I went with him. got my dole on the way. Put it in the bank in cavan. got diet coke. came home watched how I met your mother and the office and parks and rec. made hot chocolate it was horrible. watched the brits and did the blog.

WHAT A DAY!!!!!

Anyway


Tuesday the 23rd 1999

To-day was ok, got up easily this morning!??? Had a cup of tea. played handball this morning, had no woodwork. P.E was class we won alot. Had free cspe. got chips at lunch time, played hand ball and got wet.Ha! filed piece in metal work. had stew for dinner. done all my homework. Saw grange hill neighbours, fresh prince of bel air and home improvement. For tea I had a cup of tea and 3 pieces of bread. saw fair city, played my little computer. Francis rang. Paddy rang. Saw Alley Mcbeal too

Wednesday 24th

Today was ok had a cup of tea. Won 11-1 this morning. I scored ten points. There was an u-14 soccer game in school today. They won 8-3. I got 4 pops and chips for lunch. Had two free classes. Had Chicken spuds and gravy. saw neighbours and mel and sue and saw buffy. Had burger buns and a cup of tea. Francis rang was talking for ages. Saw coronation street and I saw E.R

Thursday 25th

Got one birthday card from Kathleen. Today was ok. School was no good. In science we cut up an eye ball. It was very good. Metal work is no good. Had chips and 2 pops. Had last class free do my homework in it. had chicken and gravy and spuds for dinner. saw the ward and grange hill and neighbours. Daddy got me lucozade. Had cocktail sausages for tea they are nice. We are getting a new car a red honda civic 04. Saw red dwarf

THERE IS A CHINESE MAN IN IRELAND

INSIDER INFORMATION


If one has been watching t.v or listening to the radio or reading newspapers in Ireland since Saturday, you will note the huge coverage of the future president of China's visit to our island. It's massive, it's international news, the soon to be most powerful man in the world has chosen this little country to establish trade relationships with Europe and the west. EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT...... Except the real life, living in China, Chinese person I was talking to to-day. NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT.

The sooner the Irish times people start reading this blog and get me on the staff, the better.

Although my end game with this blog is to write for the Sunday independent magazine. It thinks it's the sunday times magazine but it's not. It follows this simple formula.
.
Three main sections.

1. Take the piss out of an attractive Irish female. It might me an Irish model, t.v presenter, actress, anyone in the public eye really.

2. Take the Irish model they slagged off the previous week and do a photo shoot, usually in black and white, featuring that lady draped over some tables in a mansion in Kildare or something.

3. Witty look at the Irish middle class intertwined with some aspect of the recession.

DONE.

I'd write for the Sunday world magazine either. It normally goes like this.

LOL. ADELE. LOL. TAYLOR SWIFT. HAIR. LOL. DIET. SOMEONE FROM FAIR CITY LOL JEANS LOL DAVID BECKHAM. TV LISTINGS LOL.


They are the only two I can do because they are the only papers we get on a Sunday. We get the sunday times sometimes but it makes my dad uncomfortable because, although it's an irish edition, it's an English paper. That's a bit rich coming from the man who bought the news of the world for 15 years though.

This post has too much of my opinion in it. I'm sorry. It's almost like something that would appear in the independent magazine. It's neo-post modern or something.

What I ate.

Friday 19th of February 1999

No School/Medals

Today was good. Woke up at 8.30. Watched the big breakfast in bed.Got up had a cup of tea and some bread. Didnt go to the town saw boy meets world. it was good watched red dwarf. Had Chicken and chips for dinner. Collected Jim from mullingar. Messed with Jim. Saw the simpsons. Stephen was here had a cup of tea. We won the table quiz in mountnugent. beat the lees by 1 point. Got medals won 5 pound

Saturday 20th

Today was very good. Got up at 20 to 11. Made sausages for breakfast. Burned myself 6 times. Mammy got me shandy and polos. Played monopoly with myself. We went up to gees she brought us to see a bugs life in navan it was class. Went into the shopping centre. Sile bought me a handball for my birthday. Got Mcdonalds chicken burger and chips. Got fudge in Kells. Went back to gees. me and stephen played handball. We rented out video for jim "Volcano" Got Lucozade and pops

Sunday 21st

Today was ok. got up early and watched volcano. Had a cup of tea. wore my navy clothes. After mass I went to gavins house. We played the pc computer it was good. Had beef for dinner. It was nice. Played the playstation after dinner. Played soccer and grand theft auto. Finished it. played with lego. Watched robot wars. had pizza. Went home at 8.saw 2 simpsons.

Monday 22nd

Today was alright. Got up at half nine. had a cup of tea. went to oldcastle got pops peanuts and sweets. Picked out a watch for my birthday.Stephen was here we played handball. Got letter from someone in Italy. I had chicken spuds and gravy for dinner. We had nice stuffing. saw two simpsons. Had rolls for tea. Francis rang. Saw Mrs Merton. It was good. Saw friends. It was funny. Learned Irish.

Saturday night and I like the way you move

Saturday night. The big night. Date night.
Booze, buddies, birds.
Night time, night clubs, night life.

Or

Rocking it Wall of blog style

Watching


Whilst playing




Whilst drinking


Good times.

Try it yourself

I've had a few people ask me for the lyrics and chords to "Time after Time after Time" so they can play it themselves in their bedroom in between crying and wanking.


1st Verse

Am Em
Why have things changed so suddenly
This is not who I wanna be
And when I'm standing in the rain
Am
Thinking of you
Em
I could stand here forever
Am
If you stood here too

Bridge

C G
Cos baby you don't realise it
But I fantasize it
I wish that you were mine
C
Time after time after time

Chorus

A F#
Cos if you needed me
Half as much as I need you
My smile would be wider
Yours would be to
But I'm dying here of loneliness
A E
A strange hollow emptiness

2nd Verse

Am Em
As I lay here in my room
Tormented by the demons
I picture my best friend and her smile
It gives me life, it gives me reasons


Same as above

Cos baby you dont realise it
But I fantsize it
I wish that you were mine
Time after time after time

Cos if you needed me
Half as much as I need you
My smile would be wider
Yours would be to
But Im dying here of loneliness
A strange hollow emptiness

Cos baby you dont realise it
But I fantasize it
I wish that you were mine
Time after time after time

The Basement Tapes

I decided that instead of just presenting the text of my teenage song,I would record it. The mix is a bit low so I recommend you use ear phones. Also keep in mind that I'm not a good singer, guitarist or have any creative ability whatsoever. The lyrics may have been written ten years ago but I doubt I would do any better if I tried now!

An mp3 of the song is available by request (free of charge)

It's over on the wallofblog soundcloud page, click on the title below.

Enjoy!


"Ten years after writing them, the author found these lyrics from his teenage self in a box of old crap. He quickly composed some music to go with them and made this demo. I'm sure you'll agree that what he lacks in vocal ability and musicianship, he more than makes up for in the sheer raw pain and passion of the poetic lyrics"

Time after Time after Time

Back to the well

Regular visitors will know that in July 2010 I rocked the very foundation of the internet and my readers brains with my amazing teenage poetry.

It was long assumed that that well was dry and all the material from that time was in the public domain...well hold on to your hats readers, I've found another batch of stuff from the same period! The new stuff includes a poem, a song (laid out like an actual song, verse, bridge, chorus etc)and a long 6 page essay I wrote when I was 17 about the evil of alcohol in Irish society.

This essay is very embarrassing for me. Naturally I will post bits and pieces of it at some stage. I don't mind acknowledging how pathetic I am, with my poems and songs and diary, it's all good fun, but when you stumble across something that also shows you to be a prick, its a little more difficult. Anyway....

I'm going to publish the poem today, Its called "the Void"


The Void

The Void between us grows and grows
This is not the life I chose
I want you here, I want you near
'cos to me, you're very dear
Things have changed so suddenly
This is not who I want to be
I don't just want to be your "friend"
I want to be with you until the end

Not my finest work, but it did inspire the song I mentioned above.

Check back tomorrow for the song.
It's called time after time after time.
Exciting.

The Social Network

My search through the archives continues, although we wont be visiting our chubby little friend's (me) diary today ( Tomorrow though, I think, it is fast on its way to becoming the most successful post ever, with 54 views since Sunday, so I have to put more up soon)but at something a little different. Again we go back to 1999.

In my final two years of primary school, 1997 and 1998, our headmaster started to do foreign exchanges with schools in Europe. Our school would be twinned with another school and their teachers would visit us, as well as our teacher getting a free Holiday out there. The idea was to learn about each others culture and all that sort of stuff.

I don't remember much of it, we once did a project on the book Danny the Champion of the world (a book saying its OK to poach animals I think, I not sure why we presented this to some french people(also don't call Daniel Murphy, Danny the Champion of the world, he hates it)))some stuff about the famine (6,000,000 Killed I remember writing. I couldn't spell died. They weren't really killed were they?)We also wrote some things about Ireland for them. I wrote about Father Ted. I don't remember learning anything about Europe, only that the french ate bread with a knife and fork.

In sixth class, when some Italian teachers visited, we put on a concert for them, and, minutes before we were to take to the stage, our teacher asked myself and Francis "Not to sing this time" This time!!! It was THE time! The only time!

Anyway we were also told to write a letter to a person in the class and it would be handed out when our teacher visited them and this person would become our "pen pal"

"HEY GRANDDAD WHATS A PEN PAL? IS IT LIKE AN IPOD?" fuck off

Going through some shit today I found two letters from my Italian Pen Pal.

You may need to click and zoom to get a look at these



This is from a ten year old Italian girl. She plays the flute and loves school.

I wrote back to that one, and got this one during the summer



She wants to know why I never write and what I will be doing for new years eve (it's the tenth of June!) I imagine I just sent her lists of what I was eating and how much I played with myself.

She also included this art work.






Now, you're thinking, whats the point of all this? Well I'm thinking about writing back. Now. To-day. In 2012. Wouldn't that fuck with you head if you received a letter form a pen pal from 13 years ago. Imagine that happening to YOU now. It would be mental.

I checked the address on google maps, and it's a real place, it does exists. Although there is a good chance she isn't there anymore. People move on. People change. I mean in 1999 I had no job, no money, no girlfriend, lived with my parents, couldn't grow a beard, was overweight and my only friends were Carl and Francis. (hang on a minute!)
Fuck it, I'm doing it. This could be the start of some wacky dave gorman/danny wallce style hi-jinx or it might just end up at a dead letter office. I couldn't be arrested or anything could I? Should I do it? Or is it really weird?

Anyway its too late now, I sent it this morning!! TWIST!

Beard Update!

13 days in. It's not working.

Playing with myself.

New feature!

I only realised this morning that I have a document of my entire teenage life.

From May 1998 up until September 2005 I kept a fairly constent diary. It starts of as pretty much a list of what I did on an given day and as I get more into my teenage years, it gets less regular, but the woe is me factor gets upped considerably.

This shit is too good not to publish.

Every so often I'm going to pick a week and put it up here. Today we are going to go back to this day 1999.

(NOTE. When I say I'm in my room playing handball with myself its not some euphemism for pulling my plum, I am actually playing handball with myself, hitting the ball against the bedroom wall over and over again)

Friday February 12th 1999

Today was ok, started to do the quey in english. In art I drew the south park lads. Didnt play handball at all. Had science in room 10. There is a hole in room 9. Had free english it was great fun. Had pizza and chips. I drew a picture of the 4 south park lads. It took me 2 hours. Saw simpsons at 6 o'clock. Declan came down, saw robot wars. Declan is a tool. Saw never mind the buzzcocks and the young ones and king of the hill.

Saturday 13th

Today was alright. Saw Godzilla. Played handball with myself. At 12 kevin and Sean came down here. Me and Jim fixed the computer not to work so they couldn't play it. Me and Sean and Kevin went out to the turf and climbed up and down it we pretended it was a mountain. Kevin died and me and sean played on and pretended there were dinosaurs. I had chicken and chips. We played for a while after. Cooneys were here to. And keith. I had a bath. Got chinese. Went to mass. Mammy and daddy went out for tea. Saw pat kenny.

Sunday 14th

Today was ok. Got up at half nine. Saw telly. Made a big fry for breakfast. Didn't have to go to mass. Saw the simpsons. Played handball with myself. Nanna was here for dinner. We had pork and spuds and gravy. done homework. Played handball up against the range with Declan. He won. Played handball with myself alot. Cavan lost. Counted the wayne fortune we have alot of money. Read roal dhal. Had buns and ham sandwiches for tea. Jim went home saw eastenders and er. Mark was down, so was declan

Monday 15th

To-day was ok. I hate getting up so early. Stephen wasn't at school. Art is good. I hate french. Had chips and loads of vinegar. In pe we lost. It is good. Mammy collected us from school. We went out to cooneys for davids party. It was good I had no dinner. I ate sweets and cocktail sausages. We played games and we had a disco. Played pool with stephen. He won. Went home at half 6. Gee gave us crisps. Declan didn't come down. Saw eastenders it was class.

Tuesday 16th

To-day was alright. I really hate early mornings. Stephen was not in again today. I hurt my finger in woodwork, it is very sore. Mrs colgan but ice on it. I didnt play badminton. Played handball at lunch. I lost. Had chips. Im giving up sweets for lent. Started new piece in metalwork. Had spuds chicken and gravy for dinner. Had crisps as well.For tea I had pancakes.Played handball with myslef Saw fresh prince and home improvment. Saw eastenders and brookside. Daddy was home late.

Wednesday 17th

Today was ok. Stephen was in. The bear is back in his/geo. Oh no. Art was good. I got in trouble in religion. Played handball at lunch. Only had chips for lunch. Saved 50p. Finished Joint in woodwork. Had pizza for dinner (cheese).Done all my homework played handball with myself in the bedroom. Saw neighbours and late lunch. For tea I had noodles and a cup of tea. Watched Brit awards and spy hard.

Thursday 18th

Today was ok, played handball this morning. Science was good, we had a heart eyes and lungs.We cut up the heart. We are making a spanner in metalwork. Had a bag of chips.Had maths in the science room. had wood work in room 1. He let us out at 3:20.
Had stew for dinner, saw the ward and neighbours. Didnt get sweets (lent)For tea I had a burger and 2 cups of tea. Made a sword.Francis Rang. Saw red dwarf. No school tomorrow.



That's it for this week. I have left the spelling and grammar untouched. If there is any particular time from 98 to 05 you would like me to look up, let me know.

Cup of ea?

I dropped my iPad on o my lapop yeserday and broke the "" key. I can' use he leer "" anymore. No more sories abou whas on .V or wha I'm up o oday and omorrow.

I don' know how I'm going o ge i fixed. The warreny was up a long ime ago. I will jus have o sruggle on wihou i.

I could type all the articles on the iPad and e-mail them to the laptop and publish that way. It seems to be working. It's a lot of effort though.

No I hink I will jus leave ou he leer "" from all my aricles

I've Passed!

I DID NOT go see the recent theatrical re-release of Star Wars Episode I the Phantom Menace. I could have, but I didn't.

I must surely be classed as a sensible grown up now, mustn't I?

Although that could be due to the fact that it is terrible shite and I couldn't sit through it again.

I would go see the rest of them though. Even Star Wars Episode II Attack of the Clones.

Boob Lolz

Saw boobs today. Real boobs.

Even though they were part of the human body exhibition and technically mummified and dead they were still boobs.

It counts. It does.

Dr LOLZ

I ate so much chocolate yesterday I got sick. And not because I was full of real food beforehand, or I was just uncomfortably full and had to make myself sick, no, my stomach just couldn't handle the amount of chocolate I consumed. At around 21:00 I started to feel dizzy, stumbled to the bathroom and sprayed it up all over the place.

I figured that this couldn't be normal behaviour for a 25 year old, college educated man, so I did some tests online today to see what was wrong with me.



Yeah well that was obvious, I could have told you that.



Yes it's all starting to make sense now.



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Results.

I got a few countdown results in.

I'm still the greatest.

One person sent me in an 18, I'm not sure why, its impressive sure, but it's still less than my 19.



I also got this list of impressive scores in. They are amazing BUT they are from a short game and, as such, not eligible.



A short game requires a quick burst of concentration, a long game is all about staying focused for a long period of time.

Let me put it this way, Usain Bolt can run 100 metres in 9.58 seconds but could he run a marathon in 9.58 seconds?

No. I doubt it.

**********LATE UPDATE**********
Just recieved this from the short game expert, They seem to have mastered the long game also. Check it out

BLOGDOWN

The presence of Nick from the apprentice and a sexy intelligent women, coupled with me being unemployed, has awakened an interest in daytime student favourite brainy game show countdown. I didn't watch much countdown when I was a student, deal or no deal was just taking off, so we were big Edmonds fans. We used to take it in turns to go to a late accounting lecture on a Monday so one of us could hang back and report on the end of the game. I don't watch deal or no deal any more because Noel and the contestants are a bit weird.



Anyway I discovered countdown for iPad, and I'm really really really good at it. I just had a game and had to share it. The app lets you play two letter rounds, two number rounds and a conundrum.

Round 1


FUCK YES. 7. LOOK AT THAT BITCH.

Round 2

I got very confused in the middle of this. I mixed up 100 with 10.

Round 3

Great? More like average.

Round 4

Impressive yes?

Round 5- Conundrum

Not a fucking clue


I don't even know what this word is.

FINAL SCORE


Over to you. Download countdown for your i device. It's only 79 cent. Play a full game. Send a picture of your top score to wallofblog@gmail.com. 19 is the score to beat.

The bitch is dead

My neighbours dog got crossed by a car the other day. Thank fuck. I hated the cunt. Every single time I passed the house, either running or walking, he tried to bite me.

He got me a couple of times as well.

EVIDENCE






I miss him now though. I'm like Batman without the Joker. Or James Bond with out any of the various bad guys that featured in the movie series. I miss the cold war.

BEHIND THE MAGIC

Welcome to the first part in a new feature here on wallofblog where I give you readers a peek behind the curtain at some of the internal workings at the site. It's like a dvd behind the scenes extra.



The second most popular search term that brings people to wall of blog is "Paedophile Glasses". Over 200 people have googled it since I wrote an amazing piece about different styles of frames back in 2010.

Who the fuck is googling "Paedophile Glasses" and why?