Yes We Can

The soft drink cans here have the old style, incredibly satisfying opening mechanism where one lifts the ring and peels back a tear dropped shaped slither of aluminum rather than the more aggressive western style lift and puncture action that has been in use since I was a child.

Recalling the old ways reminded me of a time circa 93 when my cousin and I both had cans of cola (with the aforementioned opening mechanism, the only tie between these two antidotes) and decided to play a game. The game we settled on was pretending to watch Jurassic Park on video. Our imaginations couldn’t even stretch to watching it on a big screen, we wanted glamorous panned and scanned vhs.

My cousin is a soon to be married, soon to be home owning, education professional.

I went on to tape Jurassic park of the telly and create my own video box art.  I later purchased the dvd in a two desk set with its inferior sequel Jurassic Park:  The Lost World. Ten months later I purchased it again as part of the Jurassic Park: The ultimate collection 4 dvd box set set which included the first two movies and the fun if light weight third entre in the series, Jurassic Park 3 and a bonus forth disc of extra features exclusive to the box set. It is worth noting at this stage that I owned both sequels on vhs.

So whats next for me??

A quick scan of on-line retailer amazon shows no forthcoming release  of the movies on Blu-ray, but once they inevitable “drop” I will buy them. If only for the new and exclusive extra features.

In the mean time I’m going to pretend to watch the much talked about, never going to happen, Jurassic park 4. On vhs.

Legs.

Tried to explain fake tan to a Chinese girl today. She didn’t understand.  She could speak English.  But I can speak English and I don’t understand either.

Lies

Maps of the world are all wrong in China. Looking at one, Europe  is on the left hand side, with Ireland the last country on the extreme left. Asia stretches across the left and this places China in the middle with the pacific and the Americas taking their place to the right. Blatant propaganda. Everyone knows Europe is at the center of the world. China sits to the right and America to the left. Thats the way the world is. This revision, placing China in the center seems to be some sort of attempt to establish China as the best and most powerful country in the world!!!! Its going to take more than poor geography to do that. Maybe if they had second biggest and fastest growing economy in the world, or the biggest army, or had America heavily in debt to them  they could make the claim.

Yeah I’d like to see that.

Power Corrupts

Now that I’m a teacher and academic, and “English expert” (thats what the wonderful Chinese Government class me as ,and they are never wrong) I have a power that I only ever viewed as a student in my prolonged education. That is, the power to grant a small child access to the toilet. One thinks that if you need a piss you should be allowed to piss, its natural, no one should be allowed to deny you a piss. Its cruel and potentially dangerous to make some one hold it in. I never understood the idea of asking permission to urinate, sure as a courtesy, tell the teacher you are going to the toilet but to place the relaxation of your sphincter under pressure in the hands of another is madness….and  yet as a teacher your first instinct is to deny the child access to the toilet. As soon as you hear “teacher teacher w.c???!!!” (w.c is the english phrase they use for toilet, it stands for water closet, and is used on building plans to label the bathroom. why they dont use toilet, I don’t know. Years ago, when looking at plans I asked the man who works with my father what w.c stood for. He told me waste chamber. I believed him for years. I still kinda do) you say “no sit down” and it takes me about five seconds to realise what I was asked and I then say “yeah sure w.c all you want,  get out of here kid”

They are probably just going to mess and get away from me for a few minutes. Which is also fair enough. Everyone should be allowed to get away from me for a few minutes, its as natural and as essential as having a piss.

Bathroom fixings

The paper inserts in toilet rolls. They dont exists here. The roll just rolls in on itself to form a solid cylinder of soft tissue.

I dont think I will ever get use to the crazy way things work here.

Also what do small children make pretend telescopes out of?? They dont. Thats the problem.

Dummies

In clothes shops all the dummies are western, there are none representing beautiful eastern people.  Racist. Mannequin manufactures are racist.

Lies

Pointy lamp shade  hats???? Haven’t seen one.  Nobody wears them.

Haven’t seen one paddy field.

Dragons? Nope. Not one.

How is China Different Cont.

The @ is above the number 2 on the keyboard.

Can’t get sausages.

Everything is in Chinese.

You talkin to me????

I think it must be a universal law, that no matter where you are in the word or what language you speak, that taxis drivers will try and talk to you.

“I don’t speak chinese”

“I dont speak chinese”

Oh he is still talking to me

“I dont speak chinese”

LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING WE ARE GOING TO CRASH OH FUCK (in my head)

Drivers here are mental. There are no rules of the road, everybody does what ever they want all of the time. Over taking on the inside, overtaking on the outside, oh there is something coming, just blow your horn that will stop them. That was close. Thats great, take the racing line around every corner, there is something coming, blow your horn. That bus almost crushed us.

It is cheap though. About 20 european cent a mile.

I dont spell check my posts here. I hate wordpress, but blogspot is blocked.

Fuck the Queen

Having a lot of conversations with other westerns (english people) that go like this;

English person: “Ah yeah mate irish r’ ya, my (insert parent/grandparent) is Irish, what part? 

Me: “County Cavan”

English person: Ah?

If  its not Dublin or Mayo there havent heard of it. Which is fair enough I suppose. My standard response is to say, well its in the north and part of Ulster but Britian dont own it, which usually is followed up with some cheeky sparing, oh yeah didnt manage to get your hands on it did ya??? ah? ah? Hey? oh!!!

I have no idea why I do this.

The Horror

It finally happened yesterday. The thing I have been avoiding for the last month. I used a squat toilet. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I had been carrying a roll of toilet paper around with me in my bag since I got here.  The constant diet of overly spicy noodles and nuts and fruit finally caught up with me.  Its a terrifying thing.  You spend the whole time worrying “Am I going to shit on my trousers?”.  Also you can’t read a book on one.  I say on one. You cant really be on one. Just over one. Its a hole in the ground. 

In researching this article I notice wikipedia has an extensive collection of articles on toilets. That will kill a couple of hours.

How is China different?

The light switches go the other way. You press the top of the switch so the bottom pops out to turn some thing ON.

The standard size bottle of diet coke is 600ml.

Mcdonalds and kfc do a home delivery service.

An Idiot Abroad?

A chicken club sandwich, with a fried egg on it! This is truly a world of great diversity!

An idiot aboard?

Blog fans!
To preserve it's purity and beauty, for the next couple of months, I'm moving www.wallofblog.blogsot.com (the hottest blog on the web) to www.andrewchinablog.wordpress.com*

I shall sporadically (or frequently depending on Internet availability or if I can be bothered) update this with tales of my hilarious/ tragic attempt at going out abroad travelling sure it's only six months it will fly etc etc etc etc etc

*The posts from www.andrewchinablog.wordpress.com have been worked back into this site. Andrewchinablog is no more. All posts, Chinese or otherwise, will be here on wallofblog

Andrew 10th Jan 2011

Mind the doors

You are not special because you remember thunder cats. Or any other cartoon from the eighties and early nineties. Every cunt your age does. You are not witty and enlightened. You spent your childhood watching cartoons. Like every other child ever. Stop being so smug. Oh wow, your an adult now but you referenced an old cartoon! You have the gift of remembering stuff! How amazing!

And thunder cats was shite anyway.

At least reference something good.

No one man should have all that power......

So there it is folks. I've only gone and done it. Regular readers will be all to familiar with my distain for Brian Cowen and his reign of terror but now, due to my relentless campaign to force him to step down (started last May http://wallofblog.blogspot.com/2010_05_14_archive.html) he has buckled under the pressure and quit.

You're welcome Ireland

Mary have you heard the news...........

Mary was all like I'm pregnant and Joseph was all like we didn't even do it, and Mary was like yeah that's weird, And joseph was all like did someone else do you and Mary was all like ah no but some dude said it was gods baby and Joseph was all like for fuck sake I cant afford a baby the arse is gone out of the carpentry market I wanted to go to austraila/canada and Mary was all like ah no baby and shit and i can't remember the rest. Amen. Happy Xmas.

Science. Yeah.

My favourite snow time activity is to go out in the snow, have a pee, and cheer "global warming" I've global warmed the back of my house 3 times today. It's very real.

Brave New World

Outrage hit fever pitch up and down the country this as people took to the streets to protest the further government cuts. In reports leaked to the media it was revealed that the government plans to cut the level of craic in rural Ireland.
Reports said those who have the most craic will be hit the hardest.
It was initially planned to cut craic twenty percent across the board but this has been revised. Members of GAA clubs are going to be hit particularly hard, as research has shown they have 72% more criac than the average man.

Other measure include anyone who already owns a Bon Jovi compilation may not purchase their latest hits collection, although provision maybe made for anyone’s who's collection extends only to there post 2000 work.

Farmers have now been restricted to 3 clichés a day when conversing with other farmers. It has been estimated in the past that this figure could have been as high as 40 a day. Local farmer Timmy “Spuds” Boyle was reported to have said " there's something there not telling us, there in it for the money sure I suppose at the end of the day aren't we all but I've always said as long as you have your health sure what else would you want. Greed. Pure greed. It's the lads at the top have all the money, sure as long as you have a few bob for a loc' a pints at the weekend what else do you want do you get what I’m trying to say"

Comedy fans are also feeling the squeeze as gift grub are now only allowed 3 terrible impressions a week, and the Jose Mourinho character has been pulled altogether “it's been 4 years”, a spokesperson said “and it wasn't funny to begin with” Cunt. The Management of the o2 in Dublin have also been instructed, that when Peter Kay tours next year, he must remember 29% less things from his childhood.

In welcome news, Jedward are to be halved.

The end?

As I am no longer working the blog will probably be a lot quieter, that's right no more of my classic hilarious office related stories of funny hilarious things going down in the white collar world of administration. Also as this means I'm no longer obliged to sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day, I'll be less inclined to write anything on it at all. I've no inspiration at home. Here are somethings that happened. It rained. I walked into a door. See, it's just not as good. It's a wonder I kept it up as long as I did.

Posted from my iPad