Bathroom fixings

The paper inserts in toilet rolls. They dont exists here. The roll just rolls in on itself to form a solid cylinder of soft tissue.

I dont think I will ever get use to the crazy way things work here.

Also what do small children make pretend telescopes out of?? They dont. Thats the problem.

Dummies

In clothes shops all the dummies are western, there are none representing beautiful eastern people.  Racist. Mannequin manufactures are racist.

Lies

Pointy lamp shade  hats???? Haven’t seen one.  Nobody wears them.

Haven’t seen one paddy field.

Dragons? Nope. Not one.

How is China Different Cont.

The @ is above the number 2 on the keyboard.

Can’t get sausages.

Everything is in Chinese.

You talkin to me????

I think it must be a universal law, that no matter where you are in the word or what language you speak, that taxis drivers will try and talk to you.

“I don’t speak chinese”

“I dont speak chinese”

Oh he is still talking to me

“I dont speak chinese”

LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING WE ARE GOING TO CRASH OH FUCK (in my head)

Drivers here are mental. There are no rules of the road, everybody does what ever they want all of the time. Over taking on the inside, overtaking on the outside, oh there is something coming, just blow your horn that will stop them. That was close. Thats great, take the racing line around every corner, there is something coming, blow your horn. That bus almost crushed us.

It is cheap though. About 20 european cent a mile.

I dont spell check my posts here. I hate wordpress, but blogspot is blocked.

Fuck the Queen

Having a lot of conversations with other westerns (english people) that go like this;

English person: “Ah yeah mate irish r’ ya, my (insert parent/grandparent) is Irish, what part? 

Me: “County Cavan”

English person: Ah?

If  its not Dublin or Mayo there havent heard of it. Which is fair enough I suppose. My standard response is to say, well its in the north and part of Ulster but Britian dont own it, which usually is followed up with some cheeky sparing, oh yeah didnt manage to get your hands on it did ya??? ah? ah? Hey? oh!!!

I have no idea why I do this.

The Horror

It finally happened yesterday. The thing I have been avoiding for the last month. I used a squat toilet. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I had been carrying a roll of toilet paper around with me in my bag since I got here.  The constant diet of overly spicy noodles and nuts and fruit finally caught up with me.  Its a terrifying thing.  You spend the whole time worrying “Am I going to shit on my trousers?”.  Also you can’t read a book on one.  I say on one. You cant really be on one. Just over one. Its a hole in the ground. 

In researching this article I notice wikipedia has an extensive collection of articles on toilets. That will kill a couple of hours.

How is China different?

The light switches go the other way. You press the top of the switch so the bottom pops out to turn some thing ON.

The standard size bottle of diet coke is 600ml.

Mcdonalds and kfc do a home delivery service.

An Idiot Abroad?

A chicken club sandwich, with a fried egg on it! This is truly a world of great diversity!

An idiot aboard?

Blog fans!
To preserve it's purity and beauty, for the next couple of months, I'm moving www.wallofblog.blogsot.com (the hottest blog on the web) to www.andrewchinablog.wordpress.com*

I shall sporadically (or frequently depending on Internet availability or if I can be bothered) update this with tales of my hilarious/ tragic attempt at going out abroad travelling sure it's only six months it will fly etc etc etc etc etc

*The posts from www.andrewchinablog.wordpress.com have been worked back into this site. Andrewchinablog is no more. All posts, Chinese or otherwise, will be here on wallofblog

Andrew 10th Jan 2011

Mind the doors

You are not special because you remember thunder cats. Or any other cartoon from the eighties and early nineties. Every cunt your age does. You are not witty and enlightened. You spent your childhood watching cartoons. Like every other child ever. Stop being so smug. Oh wow, your an adult now but you referenced an old cartoon! You have the gift of remembering stuff! How amazing!

And thunder cats was shite anyway.

At least reference something good.

No one man should have all that power......

So there it is folks. I've only gone and done it. Regular readers will be all to familiar with my distain for Brian Cowen and his reign of terror but now, due to my relentless campaign to force him to step down (started last May http://wallofblog.blogspot.com/2010_05_14_archive.html) he has buckled under the pressure and quit.

You're welcome Ireland

Mary have you heard the news...........

Mary was all like I'm pregnant and Joseph was all like we didn't even do it, and Mary was like yeah that's weird, And joseph was all like did someone else do you and Mary was all like ah no but some dude said it was gods baby and Joseph was all like for fuck sake I cant afford a baby the arse is gone out of the carpentry market I wanted to go to austraila/canada and Mary was all like ah no baby and shit and i can't remember the rest. Amen. Happy Xmas.

Science. Yeah.

My favourite snow time activity is to go out in the snow, have a pee, and cheer "global warming" I've global warmed the back of my house 3 times today. It's very real.

Brave New World

Outrage hit fever pitch up and down the country this as people took to the streets to protest the further government cuts. In reports leaked to the media it was revealed that the government plans to cut the level of craic in rural Ireland.
Reports said those who have the most craic will be hit the hardest.
It was initially planned to cut craic twenty percent across the board but this has been revised. Members of GAA clubs are going to be hit particularly hard, as research has shown they have 72% more criac than the average man.

Other measure include anyone who already owns a Bon Jovi compilation may not purchase their latest hits collection, although provision maybe made for anyone’s who's collection extends only to there post 2000 work.

Farmers have now been restricted to 3 clichés a day when conversing with other farmers. It has been estimated in the past that this figure could have been as high as 40 a day. Local farmer Timmy “Spuds” Boyle was reported to have said " there's something there not telling us, there in it for the money sure I suppose at the end of the day aren't we all but I've always said as long as you have your health sure what else would you want. Greed. Pure greed. It's the lads at the top have all the money, sure as long as you have a few bob for a loc' a pints at the weekend what else do you want do you get what I’m trying to say"

Comedy fans are also feeling the squeeze as gift grub are now only allowed 3 terrible impressions a week, and the Jose Mourinho character has been pulled altogether “it's been 4 years”, a spokesperson said “and it wasn't funny to begin with” Cunt. The Management of the o2 in Dublin have also been instructed, that when Peter Kay tours next year, he must remember 29% less things from his childhood.

In welcome news, Jedward are to be halved.

The end?

As I am no longer working the blog will probably be a lot quieter, that's right no more of my classic hilarious office related stories of funny hilarious things going down in the white collar world of administration. Also as this means I'm no longer obliged to sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day, I'll be less inclined to write anything on it at all. I've no inspiration at home. Here are somethings that happened. It rained. I walked into a door. See, it's just not as good. It's a wonder I kept it up as long as I did.

Posted from my iPad

I must remember to smile the next time.

The day I ate 10,000 Calories

28th- April- 2006. Sligo Town. Ireland

It started like any other Friday morning. Fried breakfast in the college canteen. The rest of the morning is hazy. I assume there were lectures. I always went to lectures. It was a big day. My friend was coming over from Dublin for the weekend. We had, within the last year, started the tradition of sharing family sized meals. KFC Family Bucket. Done. Four star pizza meal for four. Done. Even a trip to the cinema needed two family sized “Sharing” bags of sweets. Each.

I came back from college in the afternoon to an empty apartment. Put on neighbours. For my dinner I cooked one of those dried pasta things you add boiling water to. “Serves two” the packet read. Not this afternoon. I added some chicken pieces and and ate it with four slices of bread and butter (brown bread obviously, I was eating healthily lately)

Late that afternoon my friend arrived. We discussed that evening’s meal. “Four star meal for four” I said. Yep my friend agreed. A moment’s silence. Then, in unison, we both said “I was thinking”….. “you go” no “you go”, “Well” my friend tentatively suggested, “How about a meal for four……each” The exact words I wanted to here. This was it, the ultimate challenge. A marathon. This was Everest.

What’s a meal for four you ask? Well it is 1.5 litres of Coke. 8 chicken goujons. A generous helping of potato wedges. Two pieces of disgusting garlic bread. 3 dipping sauces. And a pizza. A large pizza. A pizza designed for four. A 16 INCH pizza. EACH. I was ready for it. I’d been training my whole life. BUT it was never going to be easy. If it was easy, everyone would do it. We needed an extra challenge.

It arrived in the shape of my friends parents. They happened to be in town on a weekend break, and being good people, they decided to treat their son and his friend to their dinner. They knew nothing about our prearranged dinner plans and we, being good people, decided not to risk causing offence by rejecting the offer.”We are still getting pizza” we agreed. So before the meal for four could begin, there was the small matter of fish and chips to get out of the way. Fish, we reasoned, was light and healthy. Fish in thick batter. Fish deep fried in oil. With chips. The type of chips that were potatoes cut into 4 pieces and deep fried in oil. A bag of them. This was consumed with relative ease and we made it back to the apartment to ring Four star. I wasn’t really hungry.

Two meals for four I ordered. When the delivery man arrived at the door I told my friend to turn up the radio and the TV and make lots of noise. This man had food for 8 people with him. I don’t know why, but I wanted him to think 8 people were going to eat it. Was I embarrassed? Maybe. Or maybe I just wanted society to at least keep up the pretence of long established norms. A meal for four was 26 euro. I paid the man 52 on the button( I don’t tip) and brought the food upstairs. I don’t remember much of what happened next. We ate obviously. Ate. Ate. Ate. About 3/4s of the way through as I was eating, what was conservatively my 7th meal of the day, my memory goes completely blank. I entered a higher plane, I encounter the monolith, I reached the tipping point and it was now no longer about eating, it was a spiritual experience. I’m sure I learned some valuable lessons.

I think my friend got sick.

Oh it just another stupid blog, they all say. The guy who writes that has no power. His opinions are rubbish. No one respects him. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

The above image is from the guardian website, life and style section, article on people’s attitudes in relation to chocolate, white, milk and dark. I commented twice under my andyrew5000 moniker and check out the first comment I made. 44 recommends. My comment is the fourth most popular comment out of 133 comments. Oh yes. I am currently the fourth most popular contributor to the most powerful left leaning news outlet in Britain. That’s what you’re dealing with. Having the fourth most powerful opinion in Britain means, by default, I’m the most important voice and opinion in Ireland.

The people have spoken. There is weight to my words.

Hot Topic Hot Topic Hot Topic Hot Topic

X factor is really heating up. Down to the final 12. But who will win?? The early stages of the competition this year have been fraught with controversy due to a shake up in the categories. This year they finally settled with:

Soft spoken middle class homosexuals

Working class poor + drug problem

Sexed up teen with baby

Old weird and/or fat with a booming voice

The daily mail demanded the creation of an additional category, BLACKS, citing the rampant filthy racism at UTV as the reason but once the final 3 were selected, they demand the BLACKS be sent back to Africa. How dare they take over the nation’s
favourite singing competition?

Other highlights included

Young Mother Sheena Sheers was booted out at boot camp due to the baby not actually being hers but her sisters. She was then spectacularly brought back into the competition in a different category when she quickly developed a drug problem. “This smack will give me a better life” she drooled to reporters.

67 year old Geraldine caused controversies when, after a booming rendition of fly me to the moon, Cowell quipped “its good but you’re not really mental enough” “I am mental” Geraldine screamed as she stripped off, forced Dermot O’Leary to get on all fours and rode him around the studio like a horse. “One trillion percent yes” Cowell declared.

The three soft spoken middle class homosexuals are soft spoken middle class homosexuals. I think one of them wore a hat.

Sexy sexed up 15 year old mother of three Kylie James, who was eliminated at the judges houses when she failed to hit the right notes, apparently offered childless judge Simon Cowell one of her children, if he put her through to the next round. Cowell refused the child, as he is developing a new show in which contestants sing for his sperm. Then the four winners have a baby, which he will market as the ultimate baby band. Look out for it on UTV next summer. Kylie James subsequently killed herself.

I love the x factor it’s totally Mega LOLZ. Who is your favs?