Shilpa Poppadom?

Anyone see big brother last night?* It was a classic episode. Pringles got in hot water with Big Brother for shitting in the oven (his defence being “I’m mentally ill) and as punishment had to drink rat’s piss. Rats wasn’t happy about having to piss into a bottle in the diary room but rules are rules. Mellissa was not happy when M.C Blackskin (yo ya lookin’ @ me wha 4) said her tattoo looked wack. Mellissa, who has had Jordan’s face tattooed on to her own , got upset in diary room and vowed she would win big brother to prove the doubters wrong, and put money towards getting an extra large breast grafted on to her back “3 for 2 is an offer the jazz mags couldn’t refuse” she said. M.C Blackskin (yo ya lookin’ @ me wha 4) told her he would make it up to her and compose a rap about the incident some day. The white rapper is convinced big brother is just what his career needs. Another conflict arouse when Becks took offence to Dwayne’s “thinks he is Prince Andrew” attitude. “So what if I have 8 kids and am making 60000 pound a year on benefits I’m entitled to it, at least I earned it and wasn’t just handed money by mummies and pop pop” Dwayne later admitted in the diary room it wasn’t the benefits that annoyed him, it was the fact that while in the big brother house she left her kids in the care of Diana and Jade, her two dogs. When she quip “Babies shit, Dogs eat shit” Dwayne had had enough.

Other highlight of last nights episode included Geordie good time gal “Cheryalisous” (and pre op transsexual) getting a blow job from gay Gulf war veteran Michael. Michael who lost both arms, legs and his sight in the Gulf later said “Me wife’s going to kill me”

*I didn't see Big Brother last night. I'm guessing this is fairly spot on though.

"He's not Roy Walker Gareth"

Man, on the phone to his friend who was up in court today for beating up his girlfriend, just got the news that the scumbag got off so declared;

“Well done boy you won’t be on her Majesty’s secret service tonight”

Now.

Now.

Now drawing on my limited knowledge of the English justice system, which comes mainly from eastenders (and Wikipedia) I know that the saying “At Her Majesty's pleasure” is a slang term for being in prison. In England. On the other hand, drawing from my limited knowledge of film(and Wikipedia) “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” is the sixth film in the popular James Bond film series. Released in 1969, it is George lazenby’s one and only outing as the secret agent.

I wonder is there a part of his brain that just goes “Look, you don’t really know what you’re talking about, you have some hazy idea of something you have heard someone else say, try really hard piece it together and fire it out. If you pull this off you will look so cool. You will become know as the witty one in the group, people will marvel at your wonderful quips. You will be a “Character”. Conversely, if it doesn’t make any sense no one will really notice and they will let it slip past unnoticed. Although someone with an actual working brain may over hear and write about it on his blog, but I don’t concern myself with people with actual working brains so it makes no difference to me. It’s like that time my friend showed me a picture of a cow on his phone ,which I found impressive so I declared “She’s an animal” My friend agreed. I think someone in my office want to scream “OF COURSE SHE’S AN ANIMAL, WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE? SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING SEE” but they didn’t"

Anyway

"prisonmajestypleasureservicegogogo”

“Well done boy you won’t be on her Majesty’s secret service tonight”

Topical!!!!

vuvuzela

"If a lion could speak, we could not understand him"- Wittgenstein 1913 . (PI, p.223)

The man who orders the stationary and office supplies at work is a fucking idiot.

He ordered a calculator for one of the girls this week, what follows is the exchange between them after it arrived.

Fucking Idiot: Your new calculators here....Shes a ten Reg

Girl: What????

Fucking Idiot: Your calculators here....Shes a ten Reg(grinning like the gormless idiot that he is)

Girl: (laughing nervously) OK......I don't know what you mean

Fucking Idiot: Your calculators here....Shes a ten Reg

Girl : Okay....thanks

Fucking Idiot: Shes a ten Reg alright, top of the line!!!2010!!!!

(Girl long gone out of the room)

Fucking Idiot: A ten Reg!!

The Creative Process

Ideas which I have had today that for a second I thought I might be able to write a piece about.

luckily I came to my senses because they are all fucking rubbish and make me sick in my mouth a little.

1) About how I don't trust people with 085 or 083 numbers as they are fickle etc etc


I actually wouldn't be surprise if, in the future, I saw some Irish comedian, recognisable from the panel, doing a similar routine


2) A social netting working service called "bitter" for people with no friends!!

poor poor parody.

Could see it popping up in a celebrity impressions thing on channel four, someone dressed up as Peter Andre logging on to "bitter" (oh god, there's the mouth sick)

3) How annoyed I get when people hilariously say "What happens if you google "google"? Does like the Internet break or something"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" No. You get a fucking link to fucking google. Cunt.

But that observation is as weak as the observation I'm getting annoyed over.

Just had a packet of jelly tots. They were nice

Short Fat Bald Paedophile

SpecSaver's range of designer male glasses are all assigned peoples names. The above glass are called "Andy"

The above glass would only ever be worn by a short fat bald paedophile. Look at them!

I'm nearly there though. Need glasses, short, fat, balding.............oh no!!! It's like Minority Report!! These glasses have shown me my future!! The more I struggle to prevent it, the more likely it is to happen.

POLABLOGGING

POLABLOGGING

I can’t take it any longer. After another sleepless night pondering my future and the economy I have come to realise that my only hope is to re-launch this blog as a scathing critic of the current Fianna Fáil government and the Brian Cowen regime. If there is one thing this country needs it’s another person with half baked, ill conceived, uniformed views on the current economic climate. That person is me.

FAQS FAQS FAQS

What makes this blog different?

1) My razor sharp wit. Eg I will only refer to the The Fianna Fáil party as The Fianna Fail party BAAZING
2) Abbreviations Eg The current economic climate will be the cec
3) A love of foreigners. No fucking way am I cleaning toilets, let them all in.
4) It’s called Polablogging. I’ve invented my own verb!

How often will the blog be updated?

Every day until we get Brian COWman out of power

Will if feature satirical cartoons like the ones in the Irish times I don’t really understand?

Yes

What are my own political views?

I am young, fit,healthy and have loads of everything and no worries. I enjoy the latest technology, new clothes and fine foods. I am a massive consumer of retail goods from large corporations. I love Coke, Google and Microsoft and give little or nothing to people less well of than me, so obviously I’m a socialist.

Is this new style of blog just a poor attempt to satirise satire?

Yes

Why am I so angry?

I asked a man for directions today. He told me to go 3 miles and then go another 3 miles. Could have just said 6.

If I lost the ability to convey emotions in text form I would now insert an emoticon (what a fucking shite word) of a face going red looking angry and exploding. I may also include steam coming out of the "ears"

Luckily I can express myself through text.

What a fucking idiot. I feel like my face is going red, looking angry and exploding. I also feel as if steam is coming out of my hairs.

But just in case that's not clear enough....look at the kitten.

Makin shit up

Where there is livestock, there is deadstock, isn't that what they say?

Well no they don't.

Dead stock applies in retail to products that can no longer be sold or to the stock market when shares are worthless. Not to dead farm animals. Dead farm animals are dead livestock. Not "deadstock".

Cock.

Iron Man 2!

It's ok

New bloggins!

I have relaunched the blog as a witty movie blog!! You're in for a treat! First review or witty movie thing to follow soon!

Mary Harney

Went to give blood this evening. At a blood a bank. Yeah yeah I'm great, fair play to me, praise lavished upon me etc etc, not why I do it, but thanks. At the blood bank, whilst on the table being drained (don't know if thats the right term for it) I noticed why the HSE are in the state its in. You see, after you get tagged and bagged you sit around a table, drink coke and eat crisps and chocolate (thats why I do it)But while lying there looking at the table of sweets I was shocked and disgusted to see the table being taken up by small children!!!Drinking the coke and eating the sweets!! The parents come in to give blood and let their kids run wild like they are at a birthday party!!! They don't even give blood!!! Worst of all, a nurse has to pour the drinks and make sure the sweets keep coming! Years of training and valuable skills wasted because little harry wants a flake!!! Kids! Sit in the fucking car!! Hands off my sweets!!!

I only manged to get my hands on two flakes, a moro and a crunchie! (fun size, obviously)

The parents should either leave their off spring in the car or pay for the goods that are consumed!!!! I shall be notifying my local politician come election time (which can't come soon enough, aye politics fans??? oooooh politicians aye? Can't trust them!! Bankers!!)

Tuesday 25th March cont.....

Some more poetry. Try it yourself.

100 cement

Meaning: perfect, as good as can be, brilliant.


"Well lad ,thats perfect, 100 cement, sound,"

What a fucking idiot.

The Monster is Loose.

I will be writing a review of the new Meat loaf album "Hang Cool Teddy Bear" later on in the week. Don't worry, it will be the only time I will ever offer my tiny opinion on any piece of culture. (Although if it goes well I may do a full Meat Loaf retrospective)

Is their anything more annoying than people who think they know about films, music, books etc, forcing their opinion on you?

"What do mean you haven't seen Raging Bull? It's a classic,you have to see"

So I did.

It's fucking boring.

Ash

Volcano erupted. Flights cancelled. Thousands grounded. Thousands stranded. Costs to airlines and business' millions of pounds. Timely reminder from mother nature of mans place on the planet and ultimately no matter how advanced our technology that we are essentially at the mercy of the uncontrollable natural events that over billions of years have shaped our planet, universe and solar system and that we are inconsequential in the over all scheme of the vastness of space? Nope, it was a coincidence.

Social Commentary?

Just checking the news today, I love the news always checking the news, newspapers news on line news on 6, I’m a news hound. The main head line today involved the successful separation of Irish conjoined twins. Hooray!! Great news. My heart is toasty….but in the statement realised by the understandable overjoyed and relived parents, the first “person” they thank is…can you guess…yes that’s right…. god! god!!! Do you think that maybe, just maybe the doctors and surgeons might be a tiny bit annoyed? Just a little bit? A pretty much lifetimes worth of study, dedication, practice and hard work and the parents thank god??! In the broader picture, centuries of medical science and ground breaking work by brave scientists to get surgery to a place where two conjoined twins can be separated successfully and the parents thank a pretend man in the sky!! I can’t imagine he had much of a hand in it really. Although I do think Darth vader caused the current banking crises….and superman is responsible for Barack Obama’s presidency…….and September 11th is Bono’s fault.

Good news about the babies though. Well done Doctors.

OMG!!! Nw luk walo'blg!!!

alrit blg fns! wats d crc????!!!?!?! me blg ws squre so I cool'in it up. frm nw on it gona be dedly crc n dat. gona hv al d latst gos n cl pics it gona b wiked. i d bst blg on d hol net :) alrit gota go c me m8s 4 crc nw so chec l8r 4 al d crc n pics o me n me m8s doin cl tings n dat, giz al ur fedbc on d nw blg n d buzz n dat n rembr no sqrs on me blg! lol!


b me frd @ www.bebo.com/waloblg plz n jon d facbk grp "I Don't usually read blogs, but I recently discovered Andrew Smith's Wall of blog and I thought that post with the picture of the dog and the Jaws quote was good so now I check it most days now. It's not as good as it used to be though. I also eat three meals a day, sleep at night time and breathe air. OMG We have like so much in common!" plz if i gt 58008 fns b4 d reckinin i wil b lk so ap e!