CHINA WEEK DAY 3!

Once I had a lesson with an older class, 15 and 16 years olds, and my brief was just to discuss movies. I wondered what could we discuss? Would they be familiar with the same movies I was familiar with? I decided to check with a chinese lady to see what movies she knew. She mentioned two movies straight away, her favorite american movies. They were, epic love story of a handsome tramp and a buxom English rose trapped in stuffy english society on board the doomed ocean liner the Titanic, Titanic (1997, James Cameron)



and this.


I have no idea what this is*

Anyway, I figured this class was going to be a long 40 minutes. To kick it off I started to list the highest grossing movies of all time. I thought that they will have heard of most of these and the banter would begin.

AVATAR. Silence. No one had heard of it. (lucky them, am I right????? Thats 4 hours I wont get back, it's just dances with smurfs!!!!**)

TITANIC

Yep. Small banter. Girls loved it. So romantic.

THE DARK KNIGHT

Never heard of it!

STAR WARS

Never heard of it! (Wish I never heard of the prequels, am I right***)

JURASSIC PARK

Never heard of it.

JAWS.

Never heard of it.


So movies that are popular here aren't necessarily popular in China. ISN'T THAT AMAZING

Except, Pirates of the Caribbean. Fuck sake. Transformers. Fucking hell. And Harry Potter. The cunt.

*I have decided to download and review this. Expect it sometime next week. Or never.

**Satire.

***More Satire

China Week Part 2!

Look at this lad. He lived inside the gardens of the Forbidden City in Beijing.



Look at this lad. Half turtle half dragon?

THE END

Happy New Year

The year of the Dragon. Lets hope these guys don't get on the case!

As it's Chinese New Year and beginning of Spring festival, this will be China week on wallofblog. I lived there for a while last year. And I'm going going back soon. Each day I will publish an interesting (it's relative) anecdote or picture relating to my time there. I hate to keep going on about it, but I'm quicky running out of material (now that I do a post a day) and lets face it, it's all I've got really.

PART ONE:

MUSIC

The city I work in, Hohhot in Inner Mongolia, is pretty remote. It feels remote, the only foreigners in the city are other english techers. Its not a tourist destination, people pass through it, rather than visit it....and yet very morning before the local shopping centre would open, Irish grown fairy women songstress Enya's 1995 No.7 hit, "Anywhere is" would be blasted out over the centres' P.A system.


Enya unites all cultures.

Westlife and Boyzone are also popular and the Saturdays and Avril lavigne are often heard on the radio in taxis. Additionally, there was a cafe/restaurant that I used to pass on the way to and from work in the evening that played Mariah Carey's 1994 No.6 hit (and holiday standard) All I want for Christmas is you, on a constant loop, out into the street. In July. That is true.

This is an interesting feature isn't it?

Amazing who you run into!!!!

Fuck SOPA and PIPA

From Wikipedia

Black is the color of objects that do not emit or reflect light in any part of the visible spectrum; they absorb all such frequencies of light. Although black is sometimes described as an "achromatic", or hueless, color, in practice it can be considered a color, as in expressions like "black cat" or "black paint"


I don't really know what they are, SOPA and PIPA, but I think I have defeated them with this post. Me and all my internet brothers went black. And SOPA and PIPA went away.

Racist.

Remembering Stuff! Part 2

He was bad, wasn't he?






.......Really running out of material.......

Thanks Apple. Taple

Isn't it amazing how Apple have managed to make their operating software even more unreliable than Windows with iOS 5. If I wanted something that crashes, freezes, is unresponsive and generally doesn't do what I want it to do I'd turn on my laptop.


Zing. That'll show 'em

Topical stuff

Wikipedia, the second greatest site on the internet, has been shut down today in protest about something or other. I think it's something to do with celebrity big brother, occupy wall street (WE ARE THE 99%) and the inevitable collapse of western civilisation. Anyway I've discovered that while the main site isn't working, Wikipedia applications on i devices are still working, as the picture below shows.


From wikipanion for iPad, taken 9.37 am

Takin' Care o' Business

Although wallofblog is fast approaching a phenomenal 3000 page views in under two years (and not only from the 3 people I know who read this, over half of those hits are from outside Ireland, mainly the U.K and U.S.A) I'm using this post to try get new readers in. Most of my page views come from people googling the right (or wrong) combination of words and ending up here. (I will do a more detailed post on this in the future, give you readers a peak behind the curtain, it's very very interesting)

To hook new readers I'll need to list terms that I know the kids will be googling

So:

Gervais globes

Bafta oscars

Beiber

The artist

Lady GaGa

The inbetweeners

Blue Ivy

Harry Potter

iPod

Skins

xBox

Lolz

Facebook

Major battles from World War 2

Tits boobs anal girl on girl blow job ass

(the last two are just me)

Jigsaw News Now

It was too hard.

Hot Dog!

I was doing a bit of tidying today and I found an old scratch card that I won on the lotto a while back behind the bin. It had three stars on it but I made the decision at the time to throw it out rather than sending it in and risk going on Winning Streak. What price can do you put on your dignity? (not that I have much, but I'd hate to lose what's left in front of such a large audience) It's an awful programme. Reflecting on it now, I think if I did send in the card and got on the thing, I'd just give all the prize money to charity. At least that way the humiliation would be of some benefit to somebody.

Although maybe it's not Winning Streak.

I don't like raffles. Not raffles where you buy the tickets in advance and don't have to show up to the draw, more the spontaneous raffles, where half way through something, people start selling tickets from a book of cloakroom tickets and there is a draw later on. When I was younger, I used to "pray" that my tickets wouldn't be pulled out so I wouldn't have to get up in front of everyone for the sake of a ham.

Yeah, I don't think Winning Streak is the problem.

The Video Man

Netflix, or Netflicks as I like to call it, launched in Ireland this week and its pretty cool. Stream TV or films to your device of choice for only 6.99 a month. The first month is free! They do make you sign in with a facebook account, but, there a normal way to sign in also, it is just difficult to find. I like it. I have watched 25 epiosdes of hit Showtime comedy drama Weeds this week. Going to start Twin Peaks series 2 next week!

The film selection isn't great though. It reminds me of the man who, 15 years ago, used to call around to the house every Tuesday evening with his boot full of videos. You could pick 3 and keep them for the week, all for the low low price of 5 pounds. There was a lot there, but nothing you really want to see, nothing just released, nothing that would impress your friends in school. You still always felt though that you had to take 3 videos, because the video man was there. I feel the same about netflicks.I feel I should watch some films because I can, because they are there, not because I want to.

It is good for telly though.

But this annoys me!





Fucking Wacky Programmes!!! Arrested Development, "WACKY" bollox is it "WACKY"

All in all netflicks gets the thumbs up from wallofblog

In Praise of...

Welcome to the first part in a new series here on wallofblog, where I take something I feel is underrated and sing its praises.

First.



It is nice.

Competition time now

I have a mysterious, wealthy neighbour, no one ever sees him or knows where he got his money from. I have a nickname for him (that I thought of today). It's "Macintosh"

What Movie am I referencing?

First person to post the answer below wins a prize!*

*they don't

Experiment One

I've been trying to grow a beard for a couple of years now and I'm never successful. Months of growth amounts to what looks like a devastated field of crops ravished by wild life and fire. Now substitute the field for my face, and the charred and dying remains of growth for pubes. That is my beard

There is an old wives tale that suggests regular shaving will result in thicker hair growth and a big bushy beard.

I'm going to test this theory.

I have been shaving everyday since December 26th and will continue to do so until the end of January, when I will let my facial hair grow for a week.

Results to follow....

New Years Resolutions!!!

Yes! Its that time of year again! The tenth of January, new years resolution time.

Here are mine.

1)Do this blog EVERYDAY.

Yep, you read that right. At least one post a day. They may not be published on the day, depending on circumstances, but expect at least 366 posts in 2012.

2) Win the premiership as Newcastle Utd in FIFA 11 on the Xbox 360.

I'm currently 2nd, a point behind Chelsea and three clear of Man Utd. I have beaten Utd away and gotten a draw with Chelsea at the bridge but it's still only earlier December. I need a good centre back when the transfer window opens in January and hopefully I can keep up the good form. I feel some shitty draws against Blackburn and the like on the way though. Need to take a couple of days off I think. I get nervous picking up the controls.

3)Read 100 books. I've added a widget below where you all can track my failure

Two down!

Jigsaw News Now

I have been completely inundated (I haven't) with requests for a jigsaw update so here we go....







Look, if I'm going to keep up this post a day average, they aren't all going to be gold like the dog face man.

BBs Back in Business

Was trying to the save the economy the other day with a creation that would lift this country out of recession and put Ireland back on the world stage.....

What could it be.......

Guinness Ice-Cream of course!

Using a base of custard, cream and egg white for the ice cream, the reduced Guinness was added to the mixture and frozen.



At least it looked ok

The results weren’t a disaster, just underwhelming. The majority of the Guinness quickly sank to the bottom of tub resulting in a pretty tasteless ice-cream. To combat this, I’d need either something complicated with liquid nitrogen that I don’t really understand or a custom made freezer that had a constantly rotating compartment that kept the mixture moving whilst it froze. If anyone from the department of enterprise is reading this and would like to give me money to purse this further just send me an e-mail.

Until then, this awful awful recession continues.......

One, Two, Ready, Go!!!

Got a Ripley's Believe It or Not book. No mention of Dean Cain anywhere. I thought he was in charge.

Anyway, I skipped straight to the best section and decided to post my favourite picture on here.

Look!

Remembering Stuff!

Hello! Welcome to the first part of a new series here on wallofblog called "Remembering stuff" It's basically what I will do when I'm too lazy to think of anything good,

I do promise though never to remember school, eighties cartoons, or anything confectionery based.




Remember when PlayStations were so popular this got made



It may be the worst thing to come out of the excess of the celtic tiger. It really was awful. I paid 55 euro for it in Tesco the weekend it came out. If I wanted to see a poor representation of our national sport I could just try play it in real life. (Or go to a Cavan match, Am I right sports fans????!!!!!!)

At least we never got Grand Theft Auto: Limerick. Or Need For Speed:Granard


STUFF REMEMBERED. THE END.

I have nothing to declare except my genius

Thought of a bit of witty banter today that I'm going to try to drop in to conversation sometime.

Our parish priest's name is "Oliver".

I'm going to refer to hardcore mass goers in the parish as "Oliver's Army" (Just like the title of Elvis Costello's 1979, No.2 hit "Olivers Army")

Brilliant.

Although my witty banter plans don't always work out. I was in specsavers the other day getting prescription sunglasses (yeah whatever I'm cool) and during the fitting I planned on saying "yes they fit perfect...all we need now is the sun!!!!!!!"

Didn't happen. Bottled it. Just mumbled thanks.

Usually I'm all chat in the opticians. In summer 2010 I was in getting contact lenses and he asked what I wanted them for. I couldn't tell him the truth (which was that I wanted girls to like me, and I needed lenses because girls don't like nerds with their big glasses faces) so I said sport. He replied "Football is it?" "yes" I lied. The conversation continued to the point where he believed I was a nippy corner forward, but I was having a bad year and was going to be dropped before the championship.

"Oliver's Army" ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

POLABLOGGING 2012

So, 2011 saw the end of some of the most vicious, evil, incompetent and downright criminally insane terrorists and world leaders. Yes, that’s right, Brian Cowen and Bertie Ahern are no longer in government!!!


BOOM. SATIRED!

You stupid fucking cunt

As my hairline recedes exponentially with each passing day, the shame and embarrassment of being a 25 year old bald man increases also. The solution to this is the wearing of hats. It's a pretty simple solution and one that works well. I'm a big fan of the hat.



The ever growing hat collection.

Its easy. Going out in public, grab a hat, cover stupid bald head, spare the public the horror of a 25 year old bald man. As you can see I favour the "woolly hat" Or beanie as the cool kids call it. The solution works well in Ireland and can be carried out pretty much year round. The problem I face going forward is my, hopefully sooner rather than later, leaving of this country. Although the solution still applies in the cold winter climates, it becomes unusable in the summer months. The problems also increase. Not only will I want to keep my bald head covered to spare the public from my hideous round head, I also need something to stop my head from burning (as I found out last summer with my first experience of the suns rays burning my head through the thinning hairs.) The woolly hat solution no longer applies. It's just not practical, it looks stupid in the heat and the heat itself becomes unbearable.

The Solution is a new hat.

I recently made an experimental purchase( I only spent five euro) on a new type of hat. I would never wear this hat in this country. As an Irish person I'm predisposed to judge anyone I see with, what I perceive to be, an affectation out of the "norm" and assume that they are a bollox and up there own hole. (I believe from my own experience with other nationalities, Europeans and otherwise that this is a mainly British and Irish phenomenon, other races and nationalities tend to fall on the "good for you" side or don't even notice) This hat definitely falls into the "look at that cunt" category.

The hat



I should wear this hat next summer. I know I should. Its practical. Covers bald head, keeps head from burning, keeps head cool. I will be 5000 miles away. No one will see me. But I will know. Look at it, Its a stupid fucking cunt hat.

Please vote on poll on main page.

Should I wear the hat?

What's art about that?

Got this Jigsaw. It's really hard. 1000 pieces. Its a Monet. I'll keep you abreast of my progress here on the blog until I have it finished.

Already 2012 is shaping up to be the most exciting year of wallofblog yet!

2011. Reviewed. With pictures!

What better way to start 2012 then with a look back at 2011!!!

Went to China


It was like off the telly


Was on this


It was cold and slippy


And amazing


Drank this


Got this


Watched five series of Dexter


Gave some poor, dirty children the gift of language. Well, some pens. This is the middlest of fucking nowhere I have ever been.


Learned to play this. Badly.


Went on one of these. This is a hard sleeper carriage on a long distance Chinese train. There is about 80 of these beds per carriage. I was on the top, 3 beds from the ground!


The Inner Mongolian Grasslands. Or big fields.


This was in the middle of a massive thunder storm. Doesnt look like it. I was on a horse.


Ate this.


Came home.

Learned to cook


Went to America


It was good


Got fatter and balder



THE END

Top 32.7 T.V moments of 2011

1. Psychoville ,series 2, "Not now silent singer!"

2. Parks and Rec ,series 4, Entertainment 720 with Tom Haverford and Jean Ralphio

3. Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle, series 2, episode 4 "Keep your receipts......."

Top 20 Books of 2011

Books!!! Who reads books? Books are for nerds!!!

Top 20 books? more like top ZERO books!

Alright, if I must...

These are all books that I read for the first time this year. I'm not very current, but there are a lot of books and it takes a while to read them. I don't think I'll ever catch up on all the books I want to read.


Top Ten Fiction

10."This Side of Paradise" - F.Scott Fitzgerald

9. "Huckleberry Finn" - Mark Twain

8. "A Princess of Mars" - Edgar Rice Burroughs

7. "Batman : Dark Victory" - Jeph Leob/Tim Sale

6. "The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay" - Michael Chabon

5. "Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell" - Susanna Clarke

4. "The Crossing" - Cormac McCarthy

3. "The Iron Heel" - Jack London

2. "Brights Passage" - Josh Ritter

1. "Down and Out in Paris and London" -George Orwell

Batman aside, none of these take place later than 1949, I like stories set in the olden days of olden times, ah but sure we were happy etc.

Top Ten Non-fiction

10."An Idiot Abroad" - Karl Pilkington

9. "Out of the Ordinary" - Jon Ronson

8. "Bandit Country" -Tony Harnden

7. "What I do" - Jon Ronson

6. "The Men who Stare at Goats" - Jon Ronson

5. "Paranormality" - Richard Wiseman

4. "Them" - Jon Ronson

3. "Empire" - Niall Ferguson

2. "Hiding the Elephant" - Jim Steinmeyer

1. "The Psychopath Test" - Jon Ronson

I really like Jon Ronson.

Top 50 albums of 2011

1. The Essential Bruce Springsteen (disc 1)

Top Twenty Films of the Year.

Everyone's doing it so why not wallofblog? It's been a great year for film and I've seen them all so here's the list.

1. Fast Five

2. Jaws




Top twenty albums tomorrow, books Friday and t.v shows Saturday. Review of the year on Sunday.

Does anyone read this anymore?

A request,


Please never make me watch a YouTube video in your company. Im sure you find it very funny, but I don't like you staring at me while I watch. You're filled with anticipation, expecting me to crack up at the bit where the baby/dog/drunk/person you know, but with whom I have no connection and thus renders this video completely meaningless to me falls/sicks/rides/dances etc etc. I will do it, I will laugh when you start to laugh, but it will be fake. I don't like lying to you but you've forced me to do it. It's not funny. I also have a much better sense of humour than you and something you find funny will be a bit broad for my tastes anyway. I don't think there is a clip on YouTube that's not a bit by a comedian or a piece from a movie or television that is actually funny. Don't try and prove me wrong and give me some links because I wont watch it.

Thank you

I hate

Babies in ads doing thngs that are impossible for babies to do.

Fuck off.

BIG NEWS

Now that I'm back blogging again, I was reviewing some of my posts from last year. They are all brilliant but the stand out ones are from last summer in which I published my teenage poetry. I note that most of my poems started life as songs but lack of talent and musical ability forced me down the poetry route..

In recent months I've picked up the old axe again, and, insiped by Brian wilson's smile album and Springsteen's completion of songs from the darkness era, I have slowly started working on these songs again. How can this be you ask? How can a person like me get back into that mindset again and complete my songs? The mindset of a friendless, chubbly little loser, who can't attract ladies or garner any respect from adults or the community at large. Who can't drive and has no money. Who spends way too much time filling his mind with pointless music, tv and movie facts. It's a challenge.

I may never complete them. I may complete them but feel they shouldn't be heard and I may just complete them and place them on this blog.

Exciting times blog fans. Exciting times.

Ricky Gervais

Ok, so it's time I weighed in on the whole Ricky Gervais Twitter Mong controversy.

Oh hang on it, it's not.

I wrote this Inner Mongolian stand up routine. You wouldn’t get it.

So what is it with people walking in bike lanes??? Are they called walking lanes???!!! No.  So I’m like “ah wheres your bike” . Not to their faces.

This post starts out good but I don’t like the end. Writing in detail about sweets is lazy.

Who is the king of the nuts?  Nuts are big here. Huge. Every shop, every supermarket, heck (heck!?) even ever street corner has nuts for sale.  Its pretty simple for me.  The cashew is the nut king.  Servings of cashews in the west tend to be pathetic. A tiny bag with ten nuts for 3 or 4 euro.  Here, although not available loose, the prepacked bags are hefty. Very satisfying. Of course there is competition from the pastachio, but its his insistence of remaining in the shell that takes some points away. Way to much work.

Any small snack that you cant just open the packet and tip directly into the mouth are never going to earn regale status. M&Ms? great. Skittles. Tip the whole bag directly in there yes please. Opal fruits??? Individually wrapped!!!!. Chewits, I love you, but your wrapping is bringing me down.

Yes We Can

The soft drink cans here have the old style, incredibly satisfying opening mechanism where one lifts the ring and peels back a tear dropped shaped slither of aluminum rather than the more aggressive western style lift and puncture action that has been in use since I was a child.

Recalling the old ways reminded me of a time circa 93 when my cousin and I both had cans of cola (with the aforementioned opening mechanism, the only tie between these two antidotes) and decided to play a game. The game we settled on was pretending to watch Jurassic Park on video. Our imaginations couldn’t even stretch to watching it on a big screen, we wanted glamorous panned and scanned vhs.

My cousin is a soon to be married, soon to be home owning, education professional.

I went on to tape Jurassic park of the telly and create my own video box art.  I later purchased the dvd in a two desk set with its inferior sequel Jurassic Park:  The Lost World. Ten months later I purchased it again as part of the Jurassic Park: The ultimate collection 4 dvd box set set which included the first two movies and the fun if light weight third entre in the series, Jurassic Park 3 and a bonus forth disc of extra features exclusive to the box set. It is worth noting at this stage that I owned both sequels on vhs.

So whats next for me??

A quick scan of on-line retailer amazon shows no forthcoming release  of the movies on Blu-ray, but once they inevitable “drop” I will buy them. If only for the new and exclusive extra features.

In the mean time I’m going to pretend to watch the much talked about, never going to happen, Jurassic park 4. On vhs.

Legs.

Tried to explain fake tan to a Chinese girl today. She didn’t understand.  She could speak English.  But I can speak English and I don’t understand either.

Lies

Maps of the world are all wrong in China. Looking at one, Europe  is on the left hand side, with Ireland the last country on the extreme left. Asia stretches across the left and this places China in the middle with the pacific and the Americas taking their place to the right. Blatant propaganda. Everyone knows Europe is at the center of the world. China sits to the right and America to the left. Thats the way the world is. This revision, placing China in the center seems to be some sort of attempt to establish China as the best and most powerful country in the world!!!! Its going to take more than poor geography to do that. Maybe if they had second biggest and fastest growing economy in the world, or the biggest army, or had America heavily in debt to them  they could make the claim.

Yeah I’d like to see that.

Power Corrupts

Now that I’m a teacher and academic, and “English expert” (thats what the wonderful Chinese Government class me as ,and they are never wrong) I have a power that I only ever viewed as a student in my prolonged education. That is, the power to grant a small child access to the toilet. One thinks that if you need a piss you should be allowed to piss, its natural, no one should be allowed to deny you a piss. Its cruel and potentially dangerous to make some one hold it in. I never understood the idea of asking permission to urinate, sure as a courtesy, tell the teacher you are going to the toilet but to place the relaxation of your sphincter under pressure in the hands of another is madness….and  yet as a teacher your first instinct is to deny the child access to the toilet. As soon as you hear “teacher teacher w.c???!!!” (w.c is the english phrase they use for toilet, it stands for water closet, and is used on building plans to label the bathroom. why they dont use toilet, I don’t know. Years ago, when looking at plans I asked the man who works with my father what w.c stood for. He told me waste chamber. I believed him for years. I still kinda do) you say “no sit down” and it takes me about five seconds to realise what I was asked and I then say “yeah sure w.c all you want,  get out of here kid”

They are probably just going to mess and get away from me for a few minutes. Which is also fair enough. Everyone should be allowed to get away from me for a few minutes, its as natural and as essential as having a piss.

Bathroom fixings

The paper inserts in toilet rolls. They dont exists here. The roll just rolls in on itself to form a solid cylinder of soft tissue.

I dont think I will ever get use to the crazy way things work here.

Also what do small children make pretend telescopes out of?? They dont. Thats the problem.

Dummies

In clothes shops all the dummies are western, there are none representing beautiful eastern people.  Racist. Mannequin manufactures are racist.

Lies

Pointy lamp shade  hats???? Haven’t seen one.  Nobody wears them.

Haven’t seen one paddy field.

Dragons? Nope. Not one.

How is China Different Cont.

The @ is above the number 2 on the keyboard.

Can’t get sausages.

Everything is in Chinese.

You talkin to me????

I think it must be a universal law, that no matter where you are in the word or what language you speak, that taxis drivers will try and talk to you.

“I don’t speak chinese”

“I dont speak chinese”

Oh he is still talking to me

“I dont speak chinese”

LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING WE ARE GOING TO CRASH OH FUCK (in my head)

Drivers here are mental. There are no rules of the road, everybody does what ever they want all of the time. Over taking on the inside, overtaking on the outside, oh there is something coming, just blow your horn that will stop them. That was close. Thats great, take the racing line around every corner, there is something coming, blow your horn. That bus almost crushed us.

It is cheap though. About 20 european cent a mile.

I dont spell check my posts here. I hate wordpress, but blogspot is blocked.

Fuck the Queen

Having a lot of conversations with other westerns (english people) that go like this;

English person: “Ah yeah mate irish r’ ya, my (insert parent/grandparent) is Irish, what part? 

Me: “County Cavan”

English person: Ah?

If  its not Dublin or Mayo there havent heard of it. Which is fair enough I suppose. My standard response is to say, well its in the north and part of Ulster but Britian dont own it, which usually is followed up with some cheeky sparing, oh yeah didnt manage to get your hands on it did ya??? ah? ah? Hey? oh!!!

I have no idea why I do this.

The Horror

It finally happened yesterday. The thing I have been avoiding for the last month. I used a squat toilet. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I had been carrying a roll of toilet paper around with me in my bag since I got here.  The constant diet of overly spicy noodles and nuts and fruit finally caught up with me.  Its a terrifying thing.  You spend the whole time worrying “Am I going to shit on my trousers?”.  Also you can’t read a book on one.  I say on one. You cant really be on one. Just over one. Its a hole in the ground. 

In researching this article I notice wikipedia has an extensive collection of articles on toilets. That will kill a couple of hours.

How is China different?

The light switches go the other way. You press the top of the switch so the bottom pops out to turn some thing ON.

The standard size bottle of diet coke is 600ml.

Mcdonalds and kfc do a home delivery service.

An Idiot Abroad?

A chicken club sandwich, with a fried egg on it! This is truly a world of great diversity!

An idiot aboard?

Blog fans!
To preserve it's purity and beauty, for the next couple of months, I'm moving www.wallofblog.blogsot.com (the hottest blog on the web) to www.andrewchinablog.wordpress.com*

I shall sporadically (or frequently depending on Internet availability or if I can be bothered) update this with tales of my hilarious/ tragic attempt at going out abroad travelling sure it's only six months it will fly etc etc etc etc etc

*The posts from www.andrewchinablog.wordpress.com have been worked back into this site. Andrewchinablog is no more. All posts, Chinese or otherwise, will be here on wallofblog

Andrew 10th Jan 2011

Mind the doors

You are not special because you remember thunder cats. Or any other cartoon from the eighties and early nineties. Every cunt your age does. You are not witty and enlightened. You spent your childhood watching cartoons. Like every other child ever. Stop being so smug. Oh wow, your an adult now but you referenced an old cartoon! You have the gift of remembering stuff! How amazing!

And thunder cats was shite anyway.

At least reference something good.

No one man should have all that power......

So there it is folks. I've only gone and done it. Regular readers will be all to familiar with my distain for Brian Cowen and his reign of terror but now, due to my relentless campaign to force him to step down (started last May http://wallofblog.blogspot.com/2010_05_14_archive.html) he has buckled under the pressure and quit.

You're welcome Ireland

Mary have you heard the news...........

Mary was all like I'm pregnant and Joseph was all like we didn't even do it, and Mary was like yeah that's weird, And joseph was all like did someone else do you and Mary was all like ah no but some dude said it was gods baby and Joseph was all like for fuck sake I cant afford a baby the arse is gone out of the carpentry market I wanted to go to austraila/canada and Mary was all like ah no baby and shit and i can't remember the rest. Amen. Happy Xmas.

Science. Yeah.

My favourite snow time activity is to go out in the snow, have a pee, and cheer "global warming" I've global warmed the back of my house 3 times today. It's very real.

Brave New World

Outrage hit fever pitch up and down the country this as people took to the streets to protest the further government cuts. In reports leaked to the media it was revealed that the government plans to cut the level of craic in rural Ireland.
Reports said those who have the most craic will be hit the hardest.
It was initially planned to cut craic twenty percent across the board but this has been revised. Members of GAA clubs are going to be hit particularly hard, as research has shown they have 72% more criac than the average man.

Other measure include anyone who already owns a Bon Jovi compilation may not purchase their latest hits collection, although provision maybe made for anyone’s who's collection extends only to there post 2000 work.

Farmers have now been restricted to 3 clichés a day when conversing with other farmers. It has been estimated in the past that this figure could have been as high as 40 a day. Local farmer Timmy “Spuds” Boyle was reported to have said " there's something there not telling us, there in it for the money sure I suppose at the end of the day aren't we all but I've always said as long as you have your health sure what else would you want. Greed. Pure greed. It's the lads at the top have all the money, sure as long as you have a few bob for a loc' a pints at the weekend what else do you want do you get what I’m trying to say"

Comedy fans are also feeling the squeeze as gift grub are now only allowed 3 terrible impressions a week, and the Jose Mourinho character has been pulled altogether “it's been 4 years”, a spokesperson said “and it wasn't funny to begin with” Cunt. The Management of the o2 in Dublin have also been instructed, that when Peter Kay tours next year, he must remember 29% less things from his childhood.

In welcome news, Jedward are to be halved.

The end?

As I am no longer working the blog will probably be a lot quieter, that's right no more of my classic hilarious office related stories of funny hilarious things going down in the white collar world of administration. Also as this means I'm no longer obliged to sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day, I'll be less inclined to write anything on it at all. I've no inspiration at home. Here are somethings that happened. It rained. I walked into a door. See, it's just not as good. It's a wonder I kept it up as long as I did.

Posted from my iPad

I must remember to smile the next time.

The day I ate 10,000 Calories

28th- April- 2006. Sligo Town. Ireland

It started like any other Friday morning. Fried breakfast in the college canteen. The rest of the morning is hazy. I assume there were lectures. I always went to lectures. It was a big day. My friend was coming over from Dublin for the weekend. We had, within the last year, started the tradition of sharing family sized meals. KFC Family Bucket. Done. Four star pizza meal for four. Done. Even a trip to the cinema needed two family sized “Sharing” bags of sweets. Each.

I came back from college in the afternoon to an empty apartment. Put on neighbours. For my dinner I cooked one of those dried pasta things you add boiling water to. “Serves two” the packet read. Not this afternoon. I added some chicken pieces and and ate it with four slices of bread and butter (brown bread obviously, I was eating healthily lately)

Late that afternoon my friend arrived. We discussed that evening’s meal. “Four star meal for four” I said. Yep my friend agreed. A moment’s silence. Then, in unison, we both said “I was thinking”….. “you go” no “you go”, “Well” my friend tentatively suggested, “How about a meal for four……each” The exact words I wanted to here. This was it, the ultimate challenge. A marathon. This was Everest.

What’s a meal for four you ask? Well it is 1.5 litres of Coke. 8 chicken goujons. A generous helping of potato wedges. Two pieces of disgusting garlic bread. 3 dipping sauces. And a pizza. A large pizza. A pizza designed for four. A 16 INCH pizza. EACH. I was ready for it. I’d been training my whole life. BUT it was never going to be easy. If it was easy, everyone would do it. We needed an extra challenge.

It arrived in the shape of my friends parents. They happened to be in town on a weekend break, and being good people, they decided to treat their son and his friend to their dinner. They knew nothing about our prearranged dinner plans and we, being good people, decided not to risk causing offence by rejecting the offer.”We are still getting pizza” we agreed. So before the meal for four could begin, there was the small matter of fish and chips to get out of the way. Fish, we reasoned, was light and healthy. Fish in thick batter. Fish deep fried in oil. With chips. The type of chips that were potatoes cut into 4 pieces and deep fried in oil. A bag of them. This was consumed with relative ease and we made it back to the apartment to ring Four star. I wasn’t really hungry.

Two meals for four I ordered. When the delivery man arrived at the door I told my friend to turn up the radio and the TV and make lots of noise. This man had food for 8 people with him. I don’t know why, but I wanted him to think 8 people were going to eat it. Was I embarrassed? Maybe. Or maybe I just wanted society to at least keep up the pretence of long established norms. A meal for four was 26 euro. I paid the man 52 on the button( I don’t tip) and brought the food upstairs. I don’t remember much of what happened next. We ate obviously. Ate. Ate. Ate. About 3/4s of the way through as I was eating, what was conservatively my 7th meal of the day, my memory goes completely blank. I entered a higher plane, I encounter the monolith, I reached the tipping point and it was now no longer about eating, it was a spiritual experience. I’m sure I learned some valuable lessons.

I think my friend got sick.

Oh it just another stupid blog, they all say. The guy who writes that has no power. His opinions are rubbish. No one respects him. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

The above image is from the guardian website, life and style section, article on people’s attitudes in relation to chocolate, white, milk and dark. I commented twice under my andyrew5000 moniker and check out the first comment I made. 44 recommends. My comment is the fourth most popular comment out of 133 comments. Oh yes. I am currently the fourth most popular contributor to the most powerful left leaning news outlet in Britain. That’s what you’re dealing with. Having the fourth most powerful opinion in Britain means, by default, I’m the most important voice and opinion in Ireland.

The people have spoken. There is weight to my words.

Hot Topic Hot Topic Hot Topic Hot Topic

X factor is really heating up. Down to the final 12. But who will win?? The early stages of the competition this year have been fraught with controversy due to a shake up in the categories. This year they finally settled with:

Soft spoken middle class homosexuals

Working class poor + drug problem

Sexed up teen with baby

Old weird and/or fat with a booming voice

The daily mail demanded the creation of an additional category, BLACKS, citing the rampant filthy racism at UTV as the reason but once the final 3 were selected, they demand the BLACKS be sent back to Africa. How dare they take over the nation’s
favourite singing competition?

Other highlights included

Young Mother Sheena Sheers was booted out at boot camp due to the baby not actually being hers but her sisters. She was then spectacularly brought back into the competition in a different category when she quickly developed a drug problem. “This smack will give me a better life” she drooled to reporters.

67 year old Geraldine caused controversies when, after a booming rendition of fly me to the moon, Cowell quipped “its good but you’re not really mental enough” “I am mental” Geraldine screamed as she stripped off, forced Dermot O’Leary to get on all fours and rode him around the studio like a horse. “One trillion percent yes” Cowell declared.

The three soft spoken middle class homosexuals are soft spoken middle class homosexuals. I think one of them wore a hat.

Sexy sexed up 15 year old mother of three Kylie James, who was eliminated at the judges houses when she failed to hit the right notes, apparently offered childless judge Simon Cowell one of her children, if he put her through to the next round. Cowell refused the child, as he is developing a new show in which contestants sing for his sperm. Then the four winners have a baby, which he will market as the ultimate baby band. Look out for it on UTV next summer. Kylie James subsequently killed herself.

I love the x factor it’s totally Mega LOLZ. Who is your favs?

Failed attempt to derive humour from the fact that some men know nothing about sport and yet will attempt to join in conversations about it

My brother expressed disbelief today, to one of his work colleagues, at the fact that liverpool football club has been sold to an American organisation, only to be told they were already under American ownership.

I was going to write an amusing piece about some essential things that people who know nothing about football should know in order to have a normal life and fit in with the rest of society, but that’s already been done in an episode of the it crowd, so I'm not going to do it.

My version would have been brilliant though. I was going to start with the premiership results being on page 303 of ceefax. That’s a taster. Imagine where else I could have gone with it. Or watch that episode of the it crowd.

Four and a half men

Had to go into a hardware shop today. It wasn’t like a woodies or large chain store, but an independent “building providers”. I’m not manly enough to garner any respect from the men working there. I annoy them. I’m wasting their time. They want to talk to my dad. Not me. I disgust them on many levels. Firstly my appearance. Short. Chubby. Glasses. Balding. Wearing runners. Secondly, my general air of nervousness. I don’t know the etiquette. I have no idea of the rhythm of the building providers. I’m not one for banter. And thirdly, my general ignorance to most things building related. I’m not a complete fool. I did get a c1 in honours building construction for my leaving cert. But then so did the boy who used to snort chalk. (Chalk isn’t some slang term for a drug you don’t know about. It was actual chalk. Crushed up chalk) But I’ve also worked several summers on building sites, its just that I didn’t take the slightest bit of interest in anything that wasn’t my job. That included talking to other people. Anyway today I had to buy a tap. A sink tap. I went into the shop, asked the lady did they sell taps, she yes but that I’d have to go out around to the back store. So I went out the back, missed the store and walked across the yard. I met a man in a yellow jacket (thinking about it now, he was a fellow customer not a member of staff) and asked him “TAPS?” He pointed to the door I had to go in. I went in and there were four men standing around discussing tiles. I walked in, and when they saw me they froze instantly. After a couple of second’s silence one of them said “Ah” (this was the last time one of them spoke to me) I said “have you got any taps?” Man turned to other man and said “have we got any taps?” man said “yes taps came in yesterday” Other man said “I wonder does he need the tap or the fitting” I reached in my pocket and pulled out broken tap. I said “It has stopped catching the fixing when you twist it” Man said to other man “he needs the tap” Man also said to other man “how much is that” Man said “7.50”(to the other man, not to me) We exchanged tap for money and I left. Was upset on the walk back to work so I got a packet of Milky Way magic stars to cheer myself up. Then I put the new tap on and washed everyone’s dishes.

A List

Five things that aren't funny

1)Impressions

2)Men dressed as women

3)Political satire

4)Hilarious YouTube videos

5)Women

I've changed

Sorry for the lack of updates but I have an iPad now so.....

It bis nass

Just got an e-mail, as the owner of wallofblog.net (don't use it) from a person claiming to own wallofblog.com with an offer to purchase it for $200. Should I do it? I paid €9 to own (and never use) wallofblog.net. Maybe I should e-mail him back and offer to sell him wallofblog.net for €200. I will have to use all my Honours degree in Business with second class honours powers to find a solution.

In fact anyone with any business related issues just get in touch, I can help them out. I have a second class honours degree you know so……..

www.wallofblog.blogspot.com BBs

Give me your money. I want your money.

Go to this link

www.mycharity.ie/event/andrew_smiths_event/


I have decided to do the Dublin Marathon for the Asthma society. I had asthma as a child. It was a convenient excuse for being fat and lazy. Thinking about it now, I probably didn't have asthma, I was just fat and lazy. "Oh but you couldn't breathe" you say,well thats what a lot of fat will do to you. I remember,when I was eight, a doctor once telling me about how fat I was, and how much pressure I was putting on my organs, He said "Think of your school bag, fill it up with books and put it on your back, NOW ALSO PUT IT ON YOUR FRONT AS WELL!" Typing this now, I'm not sure what his point was. Anyway I was fat and couldn't do exercise and it was easy to blame the asthma. And he was a cunt.

Give me your money




I may also still have some slight issues with my weight.

Nice Ride

It's in a Jurassic Parking place!

Strange but True

Cats are female dogs.

Lemons are baby oranges.

Jesus invented the helicopter.

Ghosts are exclusively white, black people come back as zombies.

Hitler founded Lidl.

Michael Jackson was the first black man in space, but exposure to space particles turned him white

Horse milk is used to make baileys.

James Bond is allergic to apples.

Chinese babies only spend 4 months in the womb.

Bob Dylan loved the hit sitcom Friends and used to tape the episodes of the telly. He has since bought the box set.

Co-Op

I have agreed to let The Elephant post here on wall of blog in exchange for exclusive extracts form his upcoming autobiography "A trumpet blast: The Elephant never forgets"

so

Read exclusive extracts from The Elephants Autobiography all this month only on wallofblog.

wallofblog first for exclusive extracts of all the big things from cool stuff and that. oh yeah.

Good Morrow

Salutations Blog Fans

Sincere apologies for my prolonged absence from the web, you see, I took some time out to write my memoirs and upon my return I noted my last web based endeavour had gone the way of the gentleman’s pipe and fallen out of favour with the vast majority of folk aside from the select few who still enjoy setting some Butera Pelican English-Oriental smoldering in their Turkish Meerschaum. Upon my inquires as to where to go to once again to resume my musings and writings, I was pointed in the direction of wallofblog and after a brief chat with the brains behind it, I have been handed the keys to the castle as it were (not to confuse them with the keys to my castle, I say castle, its more stately home) and shall be contributing here as regularly as my busy schedule will allow.


It is great to be back. A trumpet!! A thousand trumpets I say!!!!!



I must note you can also follow me on twitter

http://twitter.com/Elephant_says

I promise a blog entry

everyday for the rest of this month. Quality will vary. This counts as one.


Prepare for lots of weak observations and self indulgent rubbish. And my opinion on things. Like this.....

The new Arcade Fire album is good

and

The Wire is good

and

I love Mad Men.

Also trying to pick a charity to run the marathon for but I have had such an easy life so far that nothing has any personal relevance. Can't go wrong with sick kids I suppose. I would like to do it for poor people in underdeveloped nations but I feel a great deal of (middle aged)Irish people with their inherent rasism and ignoance will begrude giving their money to such a cause. They will say things like "Ah but sure where does the money go" and "isn't there enough poor people in this country"

Although ask them to give money for this countries poor they will respond with "They should just get a job" or "it's their own fault, they spent all their money on herion, I need all my money for me"

Fair enough I suppose.

I actually don't want to do the marathon for any charity, I'm only doing it so I will force myself to take regular exercise and not be fat so girls will like me.

Self indulgent rubbish as promised.....

I have wasted too much material in this entry, I doubt there will be one tomorrow.

Salute my Solution

Where's Andrew?

This is a picture from www.joshritter.com taken at his excellent gig in the Iveagh Gardens in Dublin on the 18th of July this year. I'm in it.

(you may need to click on the image and zoom in. Have fun)

Not Coming Anytime Soon!!

I bought www.wallofblog.net. I own it. www.wallofblog.net is mine. I bought so I could move the www.wallofblog.blogspot.com to something nice and simple.

I really should have figure out how to actually export the contents of one site to the URL of an other before I paid the 8 euro. I haven't got a fucking clue how to do it.

Oh well. I can only hope now that wall of blog becomes the title of a major motion picture so I can sell it to the fat cats in Hollywood.

In the mean time visit www.wallofblog.net. It's mine. They don't pay me for the crap they have on it.

Enjoy!

LOVE ME!!! PLEASE LOVE ME

This started out as a song but turned into a poem once I couldn't really keep up the genius of the opening rhyme....

Do you ever feel like a spare
a part of something but you shouldn't be there
you get in the way of the other two
deep inside you know they don't want you
But your afraid to leave them on their own
because you know you'll end up alone
if maybe she would look at you
just the way it was before
before the arrival of the other part
Then maybe I wouldn't take it to heart

This poem doesn't have a name...maybe it should be called "I'm so jealous that the girl who in my head should be my girlfriend likes other boys and not me"

If I have learnt anything from the last couple of days it's that the 16 year old me didn't know the difference between your and you're and also he was pathetic. And fatter.