Goodbye

I'm leaving blogspot. As difficult as it is for me to do this, due to my location, it no longer can provide the service I require. I'm doing a disservice to myself and my readers by hanging in here and hoping it will work.

From this day onwards all new wallofblog posts will be available at www.wallofblog.tumblr.com

Wallofblog.blogspot.com will stay live for archival purposes only for the time being, with a view to returning if circumstances change, but for now join me on www.wallofblog.tumblr.com for all your quality daily blogging needs!

Ch-ch-ch changes

Big changes are under way at wallofblog, the unreliability of my proxies is killing the flow of the blog and annoying my balls

Watch this space....

Stick of dick

Barbecued lamb penis. Strange, very tough in some places, melt in your mouth in others. I won't be having it again.

The worst thing ever

Look at this. Chicken feet. The only thing worse than looking at them in the packet is seeing someone eating them in real life. They smell too. People chew them and spit them out. Imagine the person sitting across from you on a train doing that.

They are in the supermarket beside the nuts.

Just a fun snack.

Co-Ca-Co-Ca

Chicken hearts. These are tasty little cunts. Difficult to order though. Cant read the menu or say chicken hearts in Chinese. It generally involves making chicken noises and pointing to your heart. It can quickly become a full arrested development style chicken impression though.

They love it.

Sorry

We are currently experiencing major proxy problems here at wallofblog. Rest assured normal service will resume as soon as possible and all missing posts will be completed.

Thank you for your patience and support at this difficult time.

Great big melting pot.

I was in class the other day, one of my older classes who can actually speak a little English, and their Chinese teacher asked me to the comparative degree with them. I quickly Googled this as I didn't know what it was. It's comparing shite, obviously, I could have guessed. Anyway I divided the class into groups and got them to work on a list of examples.

A great deal of people in China hate the Japanese, the same way we are supposed to hate the English. One of the groups made a whole list comparing the Chinese to the Japanese, with the Chinese coming out on top in each case. "Chinese people are stronger than Japanese people" etc etc

After a list of 10 of these they included

"Chinese and Japanese have the same yellow races's people"

It's funny when they call themselves yellow.

I would never do it though.

Ladies of the world

A few weeks ago I posted about meeting a wealthy business man who had promised to get me and my friend some prostitutes. Although the prostitutes haven't materialised yet, we have actually become quite good friends with this man. He regularly texts us and shows up when we are drinking and pays for everything.

The other night we were out, at the usually spot, and on around the 7 pint mark he appeared out of nowhere. He told us to finish quickly and come join him. As we were drunk, this seemed like a great idea. We went to a restaurant very close by and were ushered into a private room. There was a big table,covered in food and beer, and maybe ten people sitting around. Some women, some men. We drank, ate and cheersed with the people. My friend had to go, as he had work the next morning, but I didn't so I decided to hang around. I said good bye to my friend and went back into the room.

When I sat down, my rich Chinese friend said quietly to me "look at these women, which one do you like?" there were four women sitting across the table from me. What was going on?? Where these the prostitutes? How was I going to get out of this?? I didn't want to sleep with a prostitute. I was very drunk and wanted KFC. I casually said to him, "they are all beautiful" (they weren't, this is when I realised they probably weren't here for a sex festival) Soon after much drinking and slagging and all that the whole table was listening to me being asked which one of the ladies I liked best, I eventually settled on the second must attractive one (if I've learned anything from Neil Strauss' "the game" (and I haven't) it's that you go for the less attractive friend to make the more attractive friend jealous and thus interested in you)

Thinking, drunkenly, that I'd at least get her number, I was disappointed when the rich china man said to me, being totally serious, "ok Andrew, you work very hard, and learn Chinese, she can be your girlfriend"

Learning Chinese is far too hard. Why didn't he just bring a prostitute??

Nice to meat you!

I'm rapping, I'm rapping, I'm rap rap rapping

I'm having proxy problems at the moment.

To-days post was going to be about the wraps you can get in the canteen here.

I can't post images for some reason.

Hopefully images to follow later or tomorrow.

As they are frying the wrap, and pockets of air begin to appear in the sizzling dough, they open them and scramble egg INSIDE the dough. Yes. INSIDE the dough.

They then put some meat and spices and shite on it and wrap it up.

Sometimes they try to put lettuce on it!!!

I say NO NO NO and wave my hands and head frantically.

I should really learn the word for no.

Bita bush

This bush is a little bit inside the gates of the university campus I live on.

When I was here last summer, a week before I came home, there were about three of us still hanging around. The students had gone home and the teachers were travelling. We had been out drinking one day and, as the taxi let us out at the gate when we came back that night, we decided we wanted to lie on the grass for a while. After some time it started to rain. It doesn't rain often but when it does it is very heavy. We were at least five minutes walk from the apartment block and didn't want to be out in the rain. Thinking quickly, I got up and, as my friend rolled under one push to find shelter, I took a run and jumped into this one.

I jump straight into it and flattened half of it. I didn't find shelter in the bush, just crushed it.

The next morning, in the clear light of day, it was obvious it wasn't going to spring back to life. Feeling bad, I packed my bags and came home.

To my surprise when I came back this time, the bush seems to be doing well. I think they have planted a smaller bush in the hole I made and have applied some structural support and shaping rope type thing around it in the hope it grows back solid and round.

I'm not sure why it is pink though. It wasn't pink before.

Tramps like us...and we like tramps

There aren't many in the city, but when I see them, I can't resist giving tramps money. You should see their little old faces. The money I make, while its a nice bit less than the wonderful dole at home (I love the dole), it places me firmly in the city's middle class here.

These are always elderly people who have seen so much, survived the madness of Mao and the transition to an open economy but have been left behind by the apparent boom (cars and apartment blocks). You can give them 2 or 3 euro (which is ten times more than they will have collected all day) and they are fed for a couple of days.

And unlike tramps at home, you can be sure they aren't spending it on smack.

There isn't any.

There's an opera out on the Turnpike

Sometimes taxi drivers here will take on two fairs at once. They may pick up someone after you have got in, or pick you up even if they already have someone on board.

I was nipping across the city yesterday at peak time (between 4 and 8 is a cunt)and ended up in the back of a taxi that already had a passenger in the front seat. It turned out we were both going to the same place so it was an easy 80 cent for the driver.

I did note to myself as I got in, that the women in the front seat was very attractive but thought nothing more of it. She was deep in conversation on her phone and oblivious to everything around her. I figure attractive people don't really need to worry about anything in world apart from being attractive but I wouldn't know.

She should have been worried though, as the taxi driver used her unconcerned state against her at every opportunity and used his phone to snap pictures of her,and her legs, whenever we stopped at lights or the traffic got heavy.

What a horrible thing to do. Disgusting. I was horrified.

And jealous of his view.

Joke!.....

I could see her in the mirror.

Meet me at Mary's place

Looks normal. Just a bottle of Irish Whiskey. Bottled in Dublin

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CHING CHONG BING BONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still tastes like christmas

You wouldn't steal a handbag??????

Not many western movies are released here, and when they are, its mainly Titanic. They love that movie. I was having a discussion with one of older classes the other day about western culture and at one stage I got two male students to act out the I'm flying bit.

It's difficult seeing movies. Two cinemas show them, but one dubs them and the other subtitles. And they change this around every couple of months it seems. I want to see the avengers but I'm sure if it will be released here. Sure, Titanic is fine, the folly of the west sinks due to arrogance and incompetence. Let all the Chinese people see that. But a team of American super beings, fighting for America, saving the whole world??? It's hard to know.

So I pulled a clogher markets circa 95 on it and downloaded a "cam"

A cam is when someone brings a digital recording device into the cinema and films the film.

For all the advances in digital recording, it still looks like it was filmed on hi 8.

It was still watchable though.

I have to stop besting the Chinese government. They hate that

This.

1st of May 2012

I woke up and I was hungover and then I went on the internet and then I went to the toilet I got sick all over the toilet because I ate too much food last night. I slept for another while and then I went to the shop for pepsi and coffee. I downloaded the ricky gervais show and watched it and then I heated up a kfc burger I bought last night and it was really nice. At two o'clock I had a nap until 6 o'clock. I watched dr house and mad men and game of thrones. Then I went to sleep.

Foodage

Best restaurant in the city. If you come here, this is where we will eat. They also just let you sit and drink if you don't want food.

There was spuds, noodles (flat noodles, nice noodles, not stringy)and chicken in this. This was shared. Everyone eats from the same dish. There were three of us. This was just before we got mantou (Spicy bread) and mopped up the sauce. Fucking deadly.

This is cucumber. I think it's a Chinese thing.

I love these little cunts. Had eight of them. You have to rip them open, pull out the little worm and chew on the husky shell and then spit them out. On the street. This was about two in the morning. It's fairly warm here now so the restaurants have just started to put tables outside. It's great.

Labour Day

I found out why I had the day off work on Saturday. It's labour day on the first of May. It is a day when the Chinese government thanks everybody who has a job and contributes to society. There is like a speech or something and most people get the day off. People also go to nursing homes and stuff and visit people who are dying and have no family of their own.

There are loads of days like this. There is Womens day, Army Day, Children's Day, Teachers Day, National day and loads others. Someone makes a speech and thanks people. I think they are basically themed bank holidays. Although you don't always get the day off. It's more like Fathers day and Mothers day only with government intervention.

That's 21st century communism in action

One thirdedly review

Nearly one third of the way through wallofblog blogaday 2012. I'm pretty sure this is the most effort I have ever put into anything in my life. I feel bad when I don't get the blog up on the day itself but I have a job now an after a hard days work I like to kick back and chill.

There is an american boy here who talks like that. He doesn't just sit and do nothing he "chills". He kept saying he had to "dip" and I had no idea what he meant for ages. Apparently it means to leave. When you are leaving somewhere say "I gotta dip" You will be cool.

It flew

Can you believe he is nearly a month gone already?? It flew now, it is just flying, sure you'll not find until he is back. A month. Already!! It. Flew. CAN'T. BELIEVE. IT.

Spicy

I ate stupidly spicy chicken wings last night. They were too hot. We had been out for food and beer and it was late and we were being kicked out of the place so our options were go to a night club or find someplace still open selling food and beer. We went for the second one. It was a dingy little hole of a place, reminded me of something you would see in granard. I've been sitting on the toilet most of the day. I don't know why we got them but once we did we all had to show off and eat loads. There was a fight in the place as well. It's just like granard.

The english in this post is very bad. I have just spent the last 2 hours teaching "Excuse me, That's ok, I'm sorry" to three different, but all very stupid classes.

May Bank Holiday weekend or something

It's some festival here this weekend, Dragon boat festival or tomb sweeping day or something. It means I have Saturday off work. It's a public holiday. It's strange here though because the government make you take the day off work for the Holiday but then they make you make that day up. I have to work Monday instead. That means I will be working three full days next week. I hope I'm able for it.

Party time

Twitter, Facebook, youtube, wordpress, blogspot. All banned here. Try to access them and you get a 404 page unavailable page. It's a good thing I suppose. If the Chinese people saw my lol cats there would be anarchy. I know the Chinese government is all powerful and never make mistakes(they don't), it was nice of them to allow the blogspot ipod app to work. It means I could write these blogs for free without having to pay a proxy, but what cunt types anything on an ipod???

Good call by the greatest government in the world, if you're going to let something slip through, make sure it is so shit it can't be used.

You. Me. Him.

We were out last night for a few beers. After a while, two Chinese men started to talk to us. This happens from time to time. Their English was ok. One of them started to tell us he was rich and that he owned a chain of noodle restaurants in New Zealand plus a construction company in China. He said he would spend a million dollars on a car, "its no problem" He took our numbers and told us he would pay for our food. Again this happens from time to time. Then he said he was bringing me and my friend away next weekend and he would pay for any prostitutes we wanted. "its no problem"

I work weekends. Shite.

Made up Joke

Thinking about Chuck Norris yesterday and how people pass them off as jokes, made me want to write my own joke.

Here we go

I haven't told it to anybody. Feel free to use it.

Enjoy.

A man was checking some stuff out of a library, as he was leaving he left some vegetables on the desk. The librarian said "Sir, What is this?" He replied "Oh its just a turnip for the books"

Well lad

Remember the on-line Chuck Norris random fact generator that was funny for about ten minutes around ten years ago??? Basically The Chuck Norris doesn't verb a noun, the noun uncharacteristically verbs to Chuck Norris' will or whatever??? Yeah, did you know youngsters quote them like they are jokes they invented. It's common to hear ten of them in a row here, back and fourth. One smiles and laughs politely but dies a little on the inside.

FREEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

It's funny how in a communist country where freedom is crushed at every turn, I have more freedom than ever. I drank 15 pints of beer the other day(A personal best,thank you, thank you). On a weekday. At 12 o'clock. I would never get away with that at home. Who are the real bad guys?????

I went for a medical yesterday and, as a white man, I got to skip the queue at every turn. Of course, because I'm a white man, all the people who I skipped ahead of came into the various exam rooms to have a look at the white man with his top off. Almost totally hairless and flabby. We are all like that. At home you couldn't go into an exam room when someone else is having a medical. The doctor examining me didn't care. Imagine, in Ireland, following a black man into an examine room and saying to the doctor "Just having a look, want to see the colour of his nipples" "That's grand man, come in" Wouldn't happen. But people here have the freedom to do it. They also litter, spit, hit their students(I don't) and smoke inside.

Seems okay to me. Don't know what all the commies are bad fuss is about.

MEDIBOT

I had my fourth medical today in just over 13 months. I'm pretty sure I'm ok. I was, the last three times. They love giving medicals here. I had the same medical in the mater private before xmas and it cost 350 euro. It costs about 30 here. But the one in the mater came with a special extra which meant I thought I was dying for a couple of hours to help me get my life in perspective and all that. It was very nice of them.

You see....

I was just arriving at Dublin airport early one Monday morning last November. I had had the medical a few days before and was about to get on a plane for New York City. Just as we pulled up to departures my phone rang. It was about half past seven. I never answer my phone usually so the combination of goodbyes and bags and all that meant there was no way I was going to answer it this morning. We got into the airport and before check in I thought I better check out my voice mail. And there it was. A somber and sincere voice, at half seven in the morning, saying "Hello Mr Smith, This is Dr. Reilly in the Mater Private. Could you give me a ring back as soon as possible thanks"

So I did. I rang and rang and rang. No answer. Why were they ringing me? Aids or cancer. That was it. Aids or cancer. I couldn't figure out where I got the aids. But I had it. And cancer. Aids and cancer. Should I check in??? I thought, I will go to New York, put the aids and cancer at the back of mind, and enjoy one last week, then try to explain to people at home it wasn't bad aids but some mix up with a hospital needle or something. I had been having a lot of medicals. I checked in and had some coffees. Rang them. No answer. Through security. Rang them. No answer. Through the weird american thing. No answer. It was too late now. I was bringing my aids and cancer to the U.S.A.

I rang through to reception and eventually got through to the reception in the medicals department. They told me the doctor was unavailable and I said "Look I'm getting on a flight to America in half an hour (it wasn't half an hour, it was an hour but I was dying, so I was allowed to be dramatic and tell lies)and would love to talk to her before I get on the flight"

Ten minutes later my phone rang. "Hello Mr. Smith, Dr. Reilly here, I forgot to include your height on the form, do you know what it is?

I told her.

"Thats great, bye, have a nice holiday"


I knew I didn't have aids. Why did she tell me I did??? What a fucking cunt.

Her

Remember the picture of the hot ride I posted yesterday???? The cunt died on me today about a mile from my house. It was fully charged, I don't know why she cut out. I had to peddle it back. Fuck me. It doesn't have gears. It was like that time when,years ago, my cousin and I cycled on reighley bikes to the village and cried at John Smiths on the way home because it was too hard. At least I had a bottle of lucozade that time.
Can't get her started now. Fuck her. The bitch.

The Ride

She needs a clean. Very sandy.

Water Cooler Talk

We can't drink the tape water in China because it's full of bad things. Every apartment has a water cooler.

When I was away someone switched mine because they couldn't be bothered to clean their own. Here is what I was left with.

There is a yellow liquid trapped in the top of it.

It is horrible. I have asked for a new one. You would be safer drinking the tap water.

Welcome to the working week

This is my working week.

Monday. Day off.
Tuesday. Day off.
Wednesday. Day off.
Thursday. Sit in the office. No teaching.
Friday. 18:00-19-30
Saturday. Full Day
Sunday. Full Day.

Not bad.

Music

There are a lot of young teachers here at the moment. What, you say I'm young?? Nah not really. Lots of 19,20,21 year olds. They are all on the same programme I came out on last year. It's a very strange experience spending time with them. They are able to drink 2, maybe 3, nights in a row and not want to kill themselves. There is not a hint of self doubt or deprecation about them. I suppose that's what happens when you come straight from school or college to this, on your parents dime, without facing the harsh realities or the real world. Anyway I'm rambling, what I really want to discuss is the music they listen to. What the fuck happened to bands? Or guitars? I don't think I'm that old fashioned when it comes to what I listen to, I even listen to a couple of lady singer/songwriters, and some hip hop but the youngsters must recreate a night club at every oppuntuity. It's just people shouting over noise. Ten o'clock break in the morning, someone will whip out there iPod and start the boom boom booms. Call round to someone during the day to drop of papers boom boom boom. Call over for a few drinks boom boom boom. I believe some of it is called "dub step" and it builds to a "sick drop"It all sounds the same!! I know I can be a bit nerdy, and I don't expect everyone to be listening to Leonard cohens excellent 1968 album "songs from a room" all the time, like I currently am, but at least some songs with words and guitars. When I was their age The Strokes and The White Stripes and Franz Ferdinand and The Libertines were doing great work and there was the Killers and Oasis and Snow Patrol and Coldplay for people who didn't know much, but that's all gone now. It's just loud shite. I can't figure out why they enjoy it. One boy says that it drains his energy when he is not listening to this type of music. Like a shit version of the movie crank. What a cunt.

This isn't just some "It was better in my day" type rant because, come on,it still is my day. Its just something I'm confused about. You would be also if you spent time with a group of 20 year olds.

I came up with this all on my own.

I set up wireless internet in my apartment today. This made me very happy. I love wireless internet as I have a lot of wi-fi enabled devices and it affords me the chance to enjoy one of lifes simplest pleasures.......surfing the net whilst doing a poo.

I decided to come up with a snappy simple term to describe this....

Ready......

Doing an iPoo

iPooing

I may be a genius.

Go play your video games

What is the greatest video game of all time??? Who is the greatest character? Is it the Legend of Zelda with green fairy boy hero Link? Or Super Mario Bros 3 with our red shirted hero Mario? Metal gear and Soild snake? Championship Manager 99/00 with yourself filling the heros role?

None of the above..

The greatest character ever is this cunt...


The Doodler

and his Game



Doodle Jump

I love this game. When I first got it a couple of years ago, and before my ipod was stolen, I played it for over 50 hours. Altough it's on the ipad, that version never really clicked with me, but I have recently purchased an ipod touch and I'm back on the doodle scene.


The Doodler in action

After a little over 6 hours play time I have smashed all previous doodlings and scored almost 49,000 points.



I'm amazing. I also have a great deal of free time.

Have a doodle. Send me your scores.

Thick

That's my bed. Look at how thick the mattress is. It's just over an inch thick. That is fucking ridiculous, isn't it?!!! It's a Chinese thing though, even in hotels and shit the beds are rock hard.

Fuck it, I imagine it's good for the back or something.

Sweets

I haven't had any sweets or chocolate or biscuits for a week and a half now. This is unprecedented for me. I love sweets.

Paying the price

It costs me 8 dollars every two months to write this blog. I have to pay a "proxy" to be able to access this website in China. I hope you appreciate it.

Coffee

This is my favourite place in Hohhot. It's a tiny cafe/bar down an alley way. The 4 people you can see at the bar are the workers/owners of the place. I was the only customer. They were just starting to watch the imaginarium of dr parnassus today when I went in for a coffee. I watched it also. After that the owner listened to like a rolling stone 7 times and then tried to play it on the guitar. I was there for about 3 hours and the only customer the whole time. It was deadly

Beer Penis

You get this in some restaurants, you generally get one for the table. There is about 6 pints in it, at a cost of 5 euro. It has a little tap on it so you can fill your glass. It is amazing. They fill it from a keg. It is gassy and warm but very easy to drink.

Shovel in the Dirt keeps the Devil Gone

Did my first day of work today for over eight months. I say work.......

There is no real honour in work unless it's a physically demanding job that you hate. The man who does that, is the man who can sleep with a clear conscience. He does what he has to do....

I go from being on the dole and getting money for nothing, to playing games with kids for 6 hours a day twice a week....money for nothing.

Back when I worked 52 and a 1/2 hours a week on a production line, I may have hated it, but at least it built character, I wasn't taking the easy way out.

What would Springsteen think? He would be disappointed in me, that's a given.

Sorry Boss. I like it here.

Squat.

Had to use a toilet in public today. I went into KFC but all they had was a squat. I ran across to McDonalds. Squat. I couldn't even try. I know I have written extensively about them before but I had forgotten about the horror. I actually got use to them last time but today they just looked horrible. I ended up getting a taxi home to do it and then getting a taxi back into the city. I didn't ask the taxi driver to wait though. I couldn't have went with that pressure.

Plane Tails!

The novelty and excitement of going on airplanes or aeroplanes, I don't know which is correct, is over for me.

Here are some stories from me being on planes lately.


Flight one

Bad banter.

Leaving Dublin I found my seat 24 e ( in the middle of the middle aisle, disaster) and soon a girl sat down beside me in 24 d. Shortly afterwards a man approached her and said she was in his seat, and she said I was in her seat. I showed her my boarding pass and I was in the correct seat but hers did indeed say 24 e. I quipped with a big smile on my face in,as a sarcastic a voice as possible, you'll have to get off! Suddenly there were tears in her eyes!! I quickly replied I was only messing, and that they would probably upgrade her to first class! but she was shook. Damage done. It turned out she was in the wrong seat and they had taken her connecting flight boarding pass and the stub she had was for her next flight in 24e. I'm glad she moved as I didn't want to sit beside her for 7 and a half hours.

Food. Beef something.

Movies watched: none, but I watched an interesting documentary about building skyscrapers on sand in Abu Dhabi. The kind of thing Alan partridge would love.

Flight two.

Good banter

The in flight menu consisted of a vegetarian pasta, fish or chicken. Guess what option was gone by the time it got to me? Well, she asked the man beside me and me at the same time what we wanted. He said chicken, I said chicken. She said "I have only one chicken left!" I said, quick as a flash, I'll have the fish then, it's grand. Everyone was very impressed. I was a fish eating hero.

Movies watched: We bought a zoo. One of the worst movies I have ever seen. Awful awful awful.

Flight three.

Beijing to Hohhot.

I was the only white person on the plane. I put up and took down the bag in the over head compartment for the girl beside me. I'm nice.

Food: Fried egg in a bap and a Capri sun!

New blogs!

Www.andrewisinchina.tumblr.com

Www.greatwallofblog.wordpress.com

Cunt

Jet lag is a cunt.

Failed blog ideas

Here are some ideas I have had for wallofblog that never got off the ground.

1. Random article song

This was going to take place over two days. Day one, I hit random article in Wikipedia. Publish a snap of the article and promise to write a song about it. Day two, publish the song. I spent ages trying to write a song about a strand of protein abc131 or something. Never really worked.

2. The Return of the Elephant. The Elephant character was a contributor to a now defunct comedy science website I co-created in 2003. He was a fully grown African elephant who had the persona of an old English gentleman and plenty of eccentricities. A couple of months ago, I began to write, what was to be an extract from his autobiography, from his discovery in the African jungle by Dr Livingston, through to working the oil fields of Calafornia with Smedly butler, making his fortune with Nathan Rothschild, his part in the boxer rebellion, his fighting in ww1, working as a cadet on hong kong island up to moving back to London just at the out break of ww2 living with a bird call Trevor and an elderly house keeper. It was totally historically accurate and quite funny but I couldn't make it come together as I wanted it. It was also 2000 words, which is a waste of everybodies time.

Automated prepared blog post!

By the time you read this, or it gets published, I should be an a plane. I'm actually writing this on my iPad, on the toilet on Saturday morming. Got to write when you can, I've lots to do day and I better do a few of these.

If the plane crashes and I die (although I probably won't, I will just land on my elbow and get sick) there is a function on blogspot that allows blogs to be turned into books, for 16 dollars a pop. I can't imagine it's a proper book, more one of those fancy "typing in hard back notebooks" that are used for dissertations (I wouldn't know, I didn't have to do one for my pretend degree) I would like this blog to be turned into a "book" and sold in the counter in Kenneth's with all the profits going to the local GAA club. I say GAA club, I mean starving kids in Africa. Someone needs to proof read it first though, as anyone who writes a daily blog/dissertation knows, it's near impossible to proof read your own stuff with 100% accuracy.

If my body isn't discovered after the crash, assume I'm battling my way through the Russian wilderness or somewhere to get home. Don't publish the blog then though, as I will need it to write an amazing blog post about battling through the Russian wilderness or somewhere.

New blogs alert!

Exciting news.

I have signed up with the micro-blogging site tumblr to produce China based blogs when I'm away. Don't panic though, as my commitment to wallofblog remains at 100%. I don't use facebook or any other social network (twitter doesn't count) and I want somewhere that I can post pictures and stories so as my parents and relations can see them. I don't feel wallofblog is a suitable platform for this as its basically an extended mental break down or a pythonesque, Jon Ronson style, Adam and Joe infused look at the world with a hint of Patrick McCabe, a touch of Lee and Herring and a splash of Chris Morris that ultimate transcends its influences to create a breathe of fresh air in the blogging community. You decided, leave me out of it. Either way, it would ultimately confuse, embarrass and shame my parents.

So the new blog (links will go live later today) will be a semi-regular, brief, pithy and mainly photographic look at my life beyont. There may be some over lap between it and wallofblog, but rest assured wallofblog will receive the "extended edition". I mean that in a good way. The extended edition of a movie is always worse. Why, if you can tell a story in 90 minutes, do you need a 240 minute edition?

Other New Blog Alert.

Long time readers way be aware that I tried, and ultimately failed, to blog my exploits last time I was beyont. I will be re-launching this blog also, under a new name. I am mainly doing it for the new name. You may also remember it used Wordpress, as opposed to blogspot, and this is important to me as Wordpress is the only blogging client not block by the Chinese government. I will still be able to use blogspot though (I know a guy) but I want this Wordpress blog in place as a contingency. I don't know if I will ever use it. I may use to write longer more serious pieces that I will then submitted to the Irish times "Generation Emmigration" section. Although have you ever read any of those articles? I hate all the people in them. They are always about young families that move to Austrailia and wear flip flops or business graduates in Dubai who are making a fucking fortune. I can't put my finger on it but they make me mad.

Anyway, the new blogs should go live later today. I will stick a blog roll on here (a blog roll is a blogging term for a list of links on the side of a page) and keep an eye on them over the coming weeks and months.

I will also still be doing wallofblog daily. Keep it wob.

Big wheels roll through fields where sunlight streams...

When I was nine or ten I was in my friends Francis' house for a day of fun. It had been raining the day before and the grass was wet, but we still had a game of football. I'd imagine he won. When we finished, my feet were wet, so, his mother gave me a fresh pair of his socks to put on.


The Socks

I obviously never gave them back. They have become my favourite socks...although they have seen better days.


"Threadbare" My Mam calls them

These socks have been in England, Switzerland, France, Germany, China and America.

I'm currently packing for my trip on Sunday.....first thing in the bag.....



THE SOCKS

Cooking

I had to write this for my dad, as I won't be here to do it any more. I'm not writing two things in the one day so it's going here also.


How to cook a perfect Roast dinner.

Taken and modified from “Jamie’s Ministry of food”

You’re looking at about 2 and half hours from start to table.

Ingredients
One of the following:
Pork Roast/Leg of lamb/Whole Chicken/Topside of Beef
2 Onions
2 sticks of Celery
3 bulbs of garlic
Rosemary and Sage and Thyme. Fresh if possible but dried will do. Don’t skip on the herbs, they may seem a bit flashy, but fuck it, you deserve it.
Spuds (Rosters or pinks)
Parsnips
Carrots
Sea Salt
Black pepper
Loads of olive oil
Flour and chicken stock (For Gravy)
Red wine. Buy one of those small bottles if you don’t like red wine. It is ESSENTIAL.


Peel the required amount of spuds carrots and parsnips. Place in pots and cover with water and a sprinkle of salt. (This maybe done the night before) Hold back 2 carrots.

Take the meat out of the fridge.

Get a roasting tray. Chop the 2 carrots and celery. (don’t bother peeling them. Waste of time.) Peel and half the two onions. Break one bulb of garlic up into cloves and place all in roasting tray. Throw in some salt and pepper and a bit of each of the herbs. You’re not going to eat this. The meat will sit on it when cooking and it’s used for gravy. For now leave the meat and this tray sitting side by side.

Stick the oven on gas mark nine.

Stick the heat on under the pots of veg. Once they start boiling, they will need about ten minutes, or until they are just about the fall apart. You can boil the shite out of the carrots though. Be careful if you have loads of supds as they will fall apart, especially the ones at the bottom. You might want to split them between 2 pots if you have loads. Same with parsnips. When done leave them in the colander to dry, no panic.

I like to give meat about an hour and a half and 20-25 minutes to settle before carving, so I stick it in the oven at 10:50. Give pork an extra 10 minutes. If you are doing chicken stick a lemon in the cavity, jutting out. This means the air inside the chicken heats up, cant escape, and part cooks the chicken from the inside out (meaning you don’t need to leave it until its dry and horrible to ensure its cooked through) Before putting your meat in the oven, cover it in olive oil and loads of salt and pepper. Sit it on your veg and put it in, as close to the top as possible.

Turn the heat down to six.

I use two ovens and two roasting trays when doing my veg. If you don’t need to cook as much food just use one tray and stick it in the oven with the meat.

This is how you do perfect roast veg.

Preheat your second oven.

Put out your two trays. Pour in a layer of olive oil so the base of the trays are cover. Take the other 2 bulbs of garlic. Break into cloves. With the back of a big knife crush each clove slightly. Divide evenly between the trays. Divide the rest of your herbs between the two trays. Salt and pepper. In your tray you’ve got olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic and a mix of herbs. I like to get the veg on about half an hour after the meat. Before this, put the trays in the oven for a few minutes until the oil gets hot. Cut any massive parsnips or spuds in half down the middle. Evenly lay the spuds out in one tray. They must NOT be layered. If you have too many, it doesn’t matter, don’t put them in the tray it will ruin everything. Give your tray a few tosses another splash of olive oil and salt and pepper. Put it in the oven on the shelf below the meat. Do the same with the second tray and the carrots and parsnips. Bang it in the top oven. If you only have a small amount of veg or just one oven, they can all go in the one tray as long as they are not layered.

Meat is in at 10.50

Veg in at 11.20

At half 11, take the meat out and give it another covering of olive oil. Tip a small glass of water in around the veg it’s sitting on.

At 12 take out the veg and turn them.

At 12.15 or 12:20 take your meat out. If its done how you want it, place on a tray. Cover in Tin foil and a couple of tea towels.

Place your spuds on the top shelf of the oven and turn the heat up to nine. If you have veg in the top oven move them to the middle of the bottom oven

Boil the kettle and dissolve 2 chicken stock cubes in 500ml of water.

GRAVY. Put the tray that the meat roasted in and its contents over a low heat. Throw in a big table spoon of flour. Stir it up. Put in your chicken stock. Stir it up. Throw in half a glass of wine. While still over the heat, mash the fuck out of this with a spud masher. All those all those roasted veg and herbs along with the meat juices and fats and the wine and stock. Mash, mash, mash. Strain this whole mixture through a big sieve into a pot. AMAZING GRAVY.

It should be around half 12 now. I’d give the veg another 15 minutes and after that it’s at your discretion.

I'm a stupid cunt.

Yesterday I was taking a walk around a few of my old haunts, having one last look before I leave. It was pretty emotional.

I walked down to the river in the sunshine and talked to the swans. I headed over to the lake where I spent many summers as a child and sat on the pier looking out at the deadly still water reflecting the cloudless blue sky.

I then wandered off the path to get to my old fishing spot where I have spent countless evenings with my dad, repeatedly casting, but never catching anything! I hopped a gate and walked close to the lake shore. I had to cross a fence that jutted out slightly into the water to get where I was going. Studying my environment, I figured I would climb up a tree on one side of the fence and jump down the other side. I climbed the tree, and as I got up to the right height, I realised it was too high to jump down. Giving up, I began my descent but slipped and fell out of the tree, down onto rocks. I landed hard on my elbow and lost all feeling in my arm. I couldn't move any of my fingers as the blood gushed out. I stood up and was incredible dizzy, and, as my environment spun,I got a feeling in my stomach and without knowing what was going on, I vomited on myself and on the ground. A voice in my head said "Come on Andrew, don't pass out" In that instant, everything was over. I thought my arm was broken. I wasn't going to China. I was going to have to explain to people I couldn't go to China because I broke my arm climbing a tree. A 26 year old man. I was going to have to explain that to my parents.

Luckily, within about a minute, the feeling returned to my arm, and, one by one, to my fingers. Although bruised, cut and swollen there is no long term damage to my arm, side and thigh.

I was pretty fucking lucky.

The moral of the story is "Adults, Don't climb tress!"

It's also damaging to my pride. 15 or 16 years ago, my younger cousin told me that I was "the best tree climber in mountnugent"

His words.

A Game!

Inspired by old Irish legends, I invented a game to play when out for a run.

1. Get a load of spit in your mouth.

2. Fire it as high and as far into the air as possible.

3. Run on and try to get your spit to land on your face.

****Tips****

Don't speed up before you fire. Even the slightest hint of acceleration will project the spit beyond your reach.

Bonus points if it lands back in your mouth.

It is awesome and disgusting.

This is the kind of shit I do now. I'm going away so I don't care about anything. I had 3 fudge bars today. FOR BREAKFAST! FUDGE BARS! FOR BREAKFAST! I'm going off the rails.

Sports

Shortly after I came home, I went into the sports shop in Cavan to get some running gear. I wanted a pair of leggings for running. I knew the winter was coming and(and although she ended up horrid mild) I always find the worst thing about running in the winter is the thought of putting on shorts in the cold weather. I flicked around the rails and on the sales hanger there was a pair for 25 euro. They were unisex and the cheapest pair in the shop. Just what I needed. I thought. I brought them to the counter and, as the teller was ringing them up, he said "you know these are children's size?" obviously I didn't, but I said "yeah yeah yeah, exactly what I need" Every 25 year old man wants sports gear for a child dont they? My inability to select the right gear, and my unwillingness to admit I made a mistake, cost me 25 euro and meant I was freezing this winter.

Good times.

Song!

Head over to the wallofblog soundcloud to hear the legendary "A stretch in the evening" specially re-recorded for the day that's in it.

Enjoy!


A Stretch in the Evening

Cricket News Now!

We won. I looked it up on the RTE website. It's what I do now.

In Praise of...Part Threee

In Praise of...In Praise of

The daily feature on the Guardian website that I have unwittingly but blatantly ripped off with my own semi-regular, similarly titled feature "In Praise of"

I'm a bit depressed today because I'm 26 and leaving soon and have wasted my life here

Meat loaf once sang "A wasted youth is better by far than a wise and productive old age" Implying that when one is young, have a good time, party, get out there meet people and don't worry about the future.

That's not really a wasted youth is it? That's the opposite of a wasted youth.

I have pictorial evidence of my own wasted youth right here

My fucking DVD collection. What a massive waste of time and money. There is thousands of euro worth of shite in these boxes. I should have been out talking to girls. I should have been spending that money on learning to drive. I should have been exercising. But no, I was watching movies. I like movies, but most movies aren't good.

Lets have a look at what's in these boxes.

Yes! The straight to video Starship troopers sequel! You didn't even know that existed! I got it in extra vision in Kells in April 2005.....on the way home from the cinema.

This is a good film. Not worth the 35 euro I paid for it though in March 2004. 35 EURO. 35 EURO. I paid an extra 25 euro because I wanted the two disc special edition. I have never taken the second disc out of the box.

Speaking of over paying

How much do you think I paid for this? Day 2 of the 24 series. Yes that's right 74 euro. Easter 2004. The guts of 100 euro. Fuck me. You can buy the whole 8 series and the TV movie for that now. And it's one of the worst days!

Two movies (and there are many more) bought solely for the fact that there are boobs and lesbians in them. This was before the internet or me seeing a boob in real life.

Acclaimed Japanese animation from Studio Ghibli and director Hayao Miyazaki. I have never sat through more than 20 minutes of it. It's so boring. I'm really good at pretending to like it though

Pretentious fucking rubbish.

What??? You don't own every episode of the X-files on dvd!!!! That's pathetic, you're such a loser!

Yes that is two copies of the same film in different packaging.

Everyone must own at least one ITV documentary about Wings.

It's the Rock's most electrifying moments. I could do this for ages but I want to watch this now.

I do love my C.D's though. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

More of this Shite.

Friday 12th of March 1999

Today was ok. Went to school. Had a French test in it. Done Shite. In English we prayed. Art was no good, had a test in science I did ok. English was good fun sat beside Daniel on the bus. Had chips and sausages for dinner jim came home. Taped star wars trailer. Saw the Simpsons it was very very good. I played handball with myself saw comic relief.

Saturday 13th

Today was alright got up and went to cavan. I got a parker pen. We got mammy a watch and a pig teddy. Went to the Melbourne bakery. Had sausages and rashers. Went into dunnes. Got a Simpsons guide in the blue book shop. Went into Jims pub. Had no dinner. Saw Mr plow Simpsons. Mark was down saw don’t try this at home, had Chinese for tea. Mammy and Daddy went out for tea. Newcastle Lost.

Sunday 14th

Today was alright. I made breakfast for mammy and daddy. Daddy didn’t get up so I ate it. Went to mass saw Simpsons had a horrible dinner. Done homework watched face off. It was class. Cavan won I didn’t go to the match. Went for a drive got chewing gum and a milky bar. Went to the grave yards. Played James bond with myself. Mammy liked her presents, had no tea just buns. Jim went home mark was down saw two Simpsons

Monday 15th

Today was grand. Played handball before school. Won. Art was shite woodwork was ok. Went to the libeary in Irish got book on tall ships. Hurt my fingers playing handball. PE was class had fried chicken for dinnear. Got a pencil and ruler, played handball with myself. Saw neighbours and the Simpsons. Listened to meatloaf. Had a nice tea got fruit pastils. Saw Mrs Merton

Tuesday 16th

Today was grand didn’t play handball today. Woodwork was ok finished diber. Hockey was ok hurt my finger really bad. Had a bag of chips and some pops and no metal work. Had stew for dinner. Went to bridgets and played with david and johnnatann.play football and rugby. Had coke and a kit kat had bread and tea. Saw who wants to be a millionare and had fruit pastiles. Francis Rang no school tomorrow.

Wednesday 17th

(No School St Patricks day) To-day was no good, got up at nine o clock. Had an egg in toast for tea. It was nice went to mass. I finished reading Jurassic park. Had chicken stuffing spuds and gravey. Started reading the lost world. Went to parade in Ballyjamesduff. It was shite had a cornet and some lucozade. Went to oldcastle got chips and a burger. Saw buffy and cornation street and south park was class

Thursday 18th

Today was ok. Science was really really really bad. In metal work I finished the screw. I started the spanner. Maths was no good. Had chips and a burger sat beside micky on the bus. Had voluvonts for dinner. Didnt play handball with myself. Saw grange hill neighbours and friends. Kathleen was here. Francis rang had three buns and a cup of tea. Saw top gear it was class. Saw red dwarf. Conformation tomorrow

Sometimes doing these makes me sad....

....not because I'm getting old but because I was such a little loser

Friday March 5th 1999

Today was good, got up at 10:30. Saw tellytubies. We got are new car. It is class. Electric windows and cool radio. It is a honda civic 94-cn-532. It is red went to oldcastle got chewing gum and lucozade. Had pasta for dinnear. Went up to sean and kevins went up the tree house and played football with kevin. Monica is hear. Got a curry, Breada gave me liar liar. Went to the frolics. It is good. Saw micky and Padraic. Went to kathleens house after.

Saturday March 6th

Today was no good. Got up at half nine and watched liar liar. It is very funny. Had a cup of tea mammy got me lucazade in the town. Watched a cowboy film pauline was here.Went to virginia got grapes and fanta and hubba bubba. Had cocktail sausages saw some of dont try this at home.Went to oldcastle got hubba bubba rented GODZILLA. godzilla is no good. monica was here

Sunday 7th

Today was ok. Got up at half nine had a bath.Wore my jeans and jims jumper. Had a cup of tea and bread. Watched Godzilla went to mass. Seen simpsons and robot wars. Had lovely dinner it was very nice. Watched the end of godzilla went for a drive. Went to the graveyard got sweets and a drink. Went to mountnugent game. They lost. had lovely tea. Saw mr bean cornation street the simpsons and red dwarf.

Monday 8th

Started reading Jurassic Park again. Today was ok, didnt play handball today. Had free Irish and art. Had geo in room 24. PE was very good I really like playing Hockey. Had a really nice dinner done all my homework. Saw blue peter neighbours and the simpsons.Played handball with myself had tea and bread saw friends and mrs merton francis rang.

Tuesday 9th

Today was ok had cup of tea. went to school. Did some stupid drawing of a garden diber in woodwork. Hockey was class. Went to watch the badminton finals they were no good. Nearly finished the book in English. All we done in metal work was right. Had stew for dinner played handball with myself. Went to the village got sweets Saw half of ally mcbeal.

Wednesday 10th

Today was ok. Went to school, have french test on friday.Science was no good, had to go to mass in history. Michael and stephen got in trouble for messing. Done pottery in art made face. Maths was good enough. Woodwork was good. Had sagpite bolinase for dinner. Done all my homework played handball with myself. It was class. Saw buffy the vampire slayer and 1/2 of er. taped goldeneye

Thursday 11th

Today was ok. Went to school. Double science was shite. Really shite. Was using the lade in metalwork.it was class. had geo in room 24 and woodwork in room 21. it was crap had pasta for dinner. Stephen and david were here so I couldnt play handball with myself. It rain. Done no homework. Saw red dwarf. it was good had bread for tea.

Just look at Wednesday the 10th

played handball with myself. It was class.

Not only was I playing handball with myself, but today's standard of handball was of a higher quality than normal. So high in fact, that I had to make a note of it in my diary (which I would have been writing several hours later) so I would never forget about it.

A Woman?

I recently got an alert from twitter about this new follower I've pick up. This is the level of babe my witty tweets attract.

Pretty sexy, I'm sure you'll agree. Her website is xxx-orgies8.info. Check it out.

Have a look at some of her tweets. Not only is Rebecca beautiful and the owner of a sexy website, but also very intelligent. And she follows me on twitter. I think she's the one.

Topical Satire

The pressure of creating a successful internet phenomenon here at wallofblog has lead me to do some pretty unsavoury things around my home town. I ask for peace, support and understanding in this difficult time.

Thank you

Please

I would like to ask the Russian fundamentalist Christians who keep spamming me after yesterdays post to please stop. Or keep it up, its making my numbers look very impressive.

Topical