Mary have you heard the news...........

Mary was all like I'm pregnant and Joseph was all like we didn't even do it, and Mary was like yeah that's weird, And joseph was all like did someone else do you and Mary was all like ah no but some dude said it was gods baby and Joseph was all like for fuck sake I cant afford a baby the arse is gone out of the carpentry market I wanted to go to austraila/canada and Mary was all like ah no baby and shit and i can't remember the rest. Amen. Happy Xmas.

Science. Yeah.

My favourite snow time activity is to go out in the snow, have a pee, and cheer "global warming" I've global warmed the back of my house 3 times today. It's very real.

Brave New World

Outrage hit fever pitch up and down the country this as people took to the streets to protest the further government cuts. In reports leaked to the media it was revealed that the government plans to cut the level of craic in rural Ireland.
Reports said those who have the most craic will be hit the hardest.
It was initially planned to cut craic twenty percent across the board but this has been revised. Members of GAA clubs are going to be hit particularly hard, as research has shown they have 72% more criac than the average man.

Other measure include anyone who already owns a Bon Jovi compilation may not purchase their latest hits collection, although provision maybe made for anyone’s who's collection extends only to there post 2000 work.

Farmers have now been restricted to 3 clichés a day when conversing with other farmers. It has been estimated in the past that this figure could have been as high as 40 a day. Local farmer Timmy “Spuds” Boyle was reported to have said " there's something there not telling us, there in it for the money sure I suppose at the end of the day aren't we all but I've always said as long as you have your health sure what else would you want. Greed. Pure greed. It's the lads at the top have all the money, sure as long as you have a few bob for a loc' a pints at the weekend what else do you want do you get what I’m trying to say"

Comedy fans are also feeling the squeeze as gift grub are now only allowed 3 terrible impressions a week, and the Jose Mourinho character has been pulled altogether “it's been 4 years”, a spokesperson said “and it wasn't funny to begin with” Cunt. The Management of the o2 in Dublin have also been instructed, that when Peter Kay tours next year, he must remember 29% less things from his childhood.

In welcome news, Jedward are to be halved.

The end?

As I am no longer working the blog will probably be a lot quieter, that's right no more of my classic hilarious office related stories of funny hilarious things going down in the white collar world of administration. Also as this means I'm no longer obliged to sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day, I'll be less inclined to write anything on it at all. I've no inspiration at home. Here are somethings that happened. It rained. I walked into a door. See, it's just not as good. It's a wonder I kept it up as long as I did.

Posted from my iPad

I must remember to smile the next time.

The day I ate 10,000 Calories

28th- April- 2006. Sligo Town. Ireland

It started like any other Friday morning. Fried breakfast in the college canteen. The rest of the morning is hazy. I assume there were lectures. I always went to lectures. It was a big day. My friend was coming over from Dublin for the weekend. We had, within the last year, started the tradition of sharing family sized meals. KFC Family Bucket. Done. Four star pizza meal for four. Done. Even a trip to the cinema needed two family sized “Sharing” bags of sweets. Each.

I came back from college in the afternoon to an empty apartment. Put on neighbours. For my dinner I cooked one of those dried pasta things you add boiling water to. “Serves two” the packet read. Not this afternoon. I added some chicken pieces and and ate it with four slices of bread and butter (brown bread obviously, I was eating healthily lately)

Late that afternoon my friend arrived. We discussed that evening’s meal. “Four star meal for four” I said. Yep my friend agreed. A moment’s silence. Then, in unison, we both said “I was thinking”….. “you go” no “you go”, “Well” my friend tentatively suggested, “How about a meal for four……each” The exact words I wanted to here. This was it, the ultimate challenge. A marathon. This was Everest.

What’s a meal for four you ask? Well it is 1.5 litres of Coke. 8 chicken goujons. A generous helping of potato wedges. Two pieces of disgusting garlic bread. 3 dipping sauces. And a pizza. A large pizza. A pizza designed for four. A 16 INCH pizza. EACH. I was ready for it. I’d been training my whole life. BUT it was never going to be easy. If it was easy, everyone would do it. We needed an extra challenge.

It arrived in the shape of my friends parents. They happened to be in town on a weekend break, and being good people, they decided to treat their son and his friend to their dinner. They knew nothing about our prearranged dinner plans and we, being good people, decided not to risk causing offence by rejecting the offer.”We are still getting pizza” we agreed. So before the meal for four could begin, there was the small matter of fish and chips to get out of the way. Fish, we reasoned, was light and healthy. Fish in thick batter. Fish deep fried in oil. With chips. The type of chips that were potatoes cut into 4 pieces and deep fried in oil. A bag of them. This was consumed with relative ease and we made it back to the apartment to ring Four star. I wasn’t really hungry.

Two meals for four I ordered. When the delivery man arrived at the door I told my friend to turn up the radio and the TV and make lots of noise. This man had food for 8 people with him. I don’t know why, but I wanted him to think 8 people were going to eat it. Was I embarrassed? Maybe. Or maybe I just wanted society to at least keep up the pretence of long established norms. A meal for four was 26 euro. I paid the man 52 on the button( I don’t tip) and brought the food upstairs. I don’t remember much of what happened next. We ate obviously. Ate. Ate. Ate. About 3/4s of the way through as I was eating, what was conservatively my 7th meal of the day, my memory goes completely blank. I entered a higher plane, I encounter the monolith, I reached the tipping point and it was now no longer about eating, it was a spiritual experience. I’m sure I learned some valuable lessons.

I think my friend got sick.

Oh it just another stupid blog, they all say. The guy who writes that has no power. His opinions are rubbish. No one respects him. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

The above image is from the guardian website, life and style section, article on people’s attitudes in relation to chocolate, white, milk and dark. I commented twice under my andyrew5000 moniker and check out the first comment I made. 44 recommends. My comment is the fourth most popular comment out of 133 comments. Oh yes. I am currently the fourth most popular contributor to the most powerful left leaning news outlet in Britain. That’s what you’re dealing with. Having the fourth most powerful opinion in Britain means, by default, I’m the most important voice and opinion in Ireland.

The people have spoken. There is weight to my words.

Hot Topic Hot Topic Hot Topic Hot Topic

X factor is really heating up. Down to the final 12. But who will win?? The early stages of the competition this year have been fraught with controversy due to a shake up in the categories. This year they finally settled with:

Soft spoken middle class homosexuals

Working class poor + drug problem

Sexed up teen with baby

Old weird and/or fat with a booming voice

The daily mail demanded the creation of an additional category, BLACKS, citing the rampant filthy racism at UTV as the reason but once the final 3 were selected, they demand the BLACKS be sent back to Africa. How dare they take over the nation’s
favourite singing competition?

Other highlights included

Young Mother Sheena Sheers was booted out at boot camp due to the baby not actually being hers but her sisters. She was then spectacularly brought back into the competition in a different category when she quickly developed a drug problem. “This smack will give me a better life” she drooled to reporters.

67 year old Geraldine caused controversies when, after a booming rendition of fly me to the moon, Cowell quipped “its good but you’re not really mental enough” “I am mental” Geraldine screamed as she stripped off, forced Dermot O’Leary to get on all fours and rode him around the studio like a horse. “One trillion percent yes” Cowell declared.

The three soft spoken middle class homosexuals are soft spoken middle class homosexuals. I think one of them wore a hat.

Sexy sexed up 15 year old mother of three Kylie James, who was eliminated at the judges houses when she failed to hit the right notes, apparently offered childless judge Simon Cowell one of her children, if he put her through to the next round. Cowell refused the child, as he is developing a new show in which contestants sing for his sperm. Then the four winners have a baby, which he will market as the ultimate baby band. Look out for it on UTV next summer. Kylie James subsequently killed herself.

I love the x factor it’s totally Mega LOLZ. Who is your favs?

Failed attempt to derive humour from the fact that some men know nothing about sport and yet will attempt to join in conversations about it

My brother expressed disbelief today, to one of his work colleagues, at the fact that liverpool football club has been sold to an American organisation, only to be told they were already under American ownership.

I was going to write an amusing piece about some essential things that people who know nothing about football should know in order to have a normal life and fit in with the rest of society, but that’s already been done in an episode of the it crowd, so I'm not going to do it.

My version would have been brilliant though. I was going to start with the premiership results being on page 303 of ceefax. That’s a taster. Imagine where else I could have gone with it. Or watch that episode of the it crowd.

Four and a half men

Had to go into a hardware shop today. It wasn’t like a woodies or large chain store, but an independent “building providers”. I’m not manly enough to garner any respect from the men working there. I annoy them. I’m wasting their time. They want to talk to my dad. Not me. I disgust them on many levels. Firstly my appearance. Short. Chubby. Glasses. Balding. Wearing runners. Secondly, my general air of nervousness. I don’t know the etiquette. I have no idea of the rhythm of the building providers. I’m not one for banter. And thirdly, my general ignorance to most things building related. I’m not a complete fool. I did get a c1 in honours building construction for my leaving cert. But then so did the boy who used to snort chalk. (Chalk isn’t some slang term for a drug you don’t know about. It was actual chalk. Crushed up chalk) But I’ve also worked several summers on building sites, its just that I didn’t take the slightest bit of interest in anything that wasn’t my job. That included talking to other people. Anyway today I had to buy a tap. A sink tap. I went into the shop, asked the lady did they sell taps, she yes but that I’d have to go out around to the back store. So I went out the back, missed the store and walked across the yard. I met a man in a yellow jacket (thinking about it now, he was a fellow customer not a member of staff) and asked him “TAPS?” He pointed to the door I had to go in. I went in and there were four men standing around discussing tiles. I walked in, and when they saw me they froze instantly. After a couple of second’s silence one of them said “Ah” (this was the last time one of them spoke to me) I said “have you got any taps?” Man turned to other man and said “have we got any taps?” man said “yes taps came in yesterday” Other man said “I wonder does he need the tap or the fitting” I reached in my pocket and pulled out broken tap. I said “It has stopped catching the fixing when you twist it” Man said to other man “he needs the tap” Man also said to other man “how much is that” Man said “7.50”(to the other man, not to me) We exchanged tap for money and I left. Was upset on the walk back to work so I got a packet of Milky Way magic stars to cheer myself up. Then I put the new tap on and washed everyone’s dishes.

A List

Five things that aren't funny

1)Impressions

2)Men dressed as women

3)Political satire

4)Hilarious YouTube videos

5)Women

I've changed

Sorry for the lack of updates but I have an iPad now so.....

It bis nass

Just got an e-mail, as the owner of wallofblog.net (don't use it) from a person claiming to own wallofblog.com with an offer to purchase it for $200. Should I do it? I paid €9 to own (and never use) wallofblog.net. Maybe I should e-mail him back and offer to sell him wallofblog.net for €200. I will have to use all my Honours degree in Business with second class honours powers to find a solution.

In fact anyone with any business related issues just get in touch, I can help them out. I have a second class honours degree you know so……..

www.wallofblog.blogspot.com BBs

Give me your money. I want your money.

Go to this link

www.mycharity.ie/event/andrew_smiths_event/


I have decided to do the Dublin Marathon for the Asthma society. I had asthma as a child. It was a convenient excuse for being fat and lazy. Thinking about it now, I probably didn't have asthma, I was just fat and lazy. "Oh but you couldn't breathe" you say,well thats what a lot of fat will do to you. I remember,when I was eight, a doctor once telling me about how fat I was, and how much pressure I was putting on my organs, He said "Think of your school bag, fill it up with books and put it on your back, NOW ALSO PUT IT ON YOUR FRONT AS WELL!" Typing this now, I'm not sure what his point was. Anyway I was fat and couldn't do exercise and it was easy to blame the asthma. And he was a cunt.

Give me your money




I may also still have some slight issues with my weight.

Nice Ride

It's in a Jurassic Parking place!

Strange but True

Cats are female dogs.

Lemons are baby oranges.

Jesus invented the helicopter.

Ghosts are exclusively white, black people come back as zombies.

Hitler founded Lidl.

Michael Jackson was the first black man in space, but exposure to space particles turned him white

Horse milk is used to make baileys.

James Bond is allergic to apples.

Chinese babies only spend 4 months in the womb.

Bob Dylan loved the hit sitcom Friends and used to tape the episodes of the telly. He has since bought the box set.

Co-Op

I have agreed to let The Elephant post here on wall of blog in exchange for exclusive extracts form his upcoming autobiography "A trumpet blast: The Elephant never forgets"

so

Read exclusive extracts from The Elephants Autobiography all this month only on wallofblog.

wallofblog first for exclusive extracts of all the big things from cool stuff and that. oh yeah.

Good Morrow

Salutations Blog Fans

Sincere apologies for my prolonged absence from the web, you see, I took some time out to write my memoirs and upon my return I noted my last web based endeavour had gone the way of the gentleman’s pipe and fallen out of favour with the vast majority of folk aside from the select few who still enjoy setting some Butera Pelican English-Oriental smoldering in their Turkish Meerschaum. Upon my inquires as to where to go to once again to resume my musings and writings, I was pointed in the direction of wallofblog and after a brief chat with the brains behind it, I have been handed the keys to the castle as it were (not to confuse them with the keys to my castle, I say castle, its more stately home) and shall be contributing here as regularly as my busy schedule will allow.


It is great to be back. A trumpet!! A thousand trumpets I say!!!!!



I must note you can also follow me on twitter

http://twitter.com/Elephant_says

I promise a blog entry

everyday for the rest of this month. Quality will vary. This counts as one.


Prepare for lots of weak observations and self indulgent rubbish. And my opinion on things. Like this.....

The new Arcade Fire album is good

and

The Wire is good

and

I love Mad Men.

Also trying to pick a charity to run the marathon for but I have had such an easy life so far that nothing has any personal relevance. Can't go wrong with sick kids I suppose. I would like to do it for poor people in underdeveloped nations but I feel a great deal of (middle aged)Irish people with their inherent rasism and ignoance will begrude giving their money to such a cause. They will say things like "Ah but sure where does the money go" and "isn't there enough poor people in this country"

Although ask them to give money for this countries poor they will respond with "They should just get a job" or "it's their own fault, they spent all their money on herion, I need all my money for me"

Fair enough I suppose.

I actually don't want to do the marathon for any charity, I'm only doing it so I will force myself to take regular exercise and not be fat so girls will like me.

Self indulgent rubbish as promised.....

I have wasted too much material in this entry, I doubt there will be one tomorrow.

Salute my Solution

Where's Andrew?

This is a picture from www.joshritter.com taken at his excellent gig in the Iveagh Gardens in Dublin on the 18th of July this year. I'm in it.

(you may need to click on the image and zoom in. Have fun)

Not Coming Anytime Soon!!

I bought www.wallofblog.net. I own it. www.wallofblog.net is mine. I bought so I could move the www.wallofblog.blogspot.com to something nice and simple.

I really should have figure out how to actually export the contents of one site to the URL of an other before I paid the 8 euro. I haven't got a fucking clue how to do it.

Oh well. I can only hope now that wall of blog becomes the title of a major motion picture so I can sell it to the fat cats in Hollywood.

In the mean time visit www.wallofblog.net. It's mine. They don't pay me for the crap they have on it.

Enjoy!

LOVE ME!!! PLEASE LOVE ME

This started out as a song but turned into a poem once I couldn't really keep up the genius of the opening rhyme....

Do you ever feel like a spare
a part of something but you shouldn't be there
you get in the way of the other two
deep inside you know they don't want you
But your afraid to leave them on their own
because you know you'll end up alone
if maybe she would look at you
just the way it was before
before the arrival of the other part
Then maybe I wouldn't take it to heart

This poem doesn't have a name...maybe it should be called "I'm so jealous that the girl who in my head should be my girlfriend likes other boys and not me"

If I have learnt anything from the last couple of days it's that the 16 year old me didn't know the difference between your and you're and also he was pathetic. And fatter.

Untitled

I think initially the less context the better. Just enjoy it. I will check in later with some notes. But for now enjoy this untitled poem.

You are so pretty, you are so clever
I think I'm going to love you forever
Thank you honey for your smile
Your the one who makes it all worthwhile
Deep in my heart you will always stay
I hope that you will love me this way
I just stand and stare when you walk by
to a girl like you I'd never lie

But to someone like me you would never speak
to you I am a short fat geek
You make me feel very small
you pretend not to see me at all
You don't stand and stare when I walk by
Talk to me? You don't even try

Christ.

Inspired by a feature on Andrew Collins and Richard Herrings BBC 6 music radio show on saturday mornings, where they read out their teenage poetry, I decided to have a look and see could I find any of my own work.....GOLD.

I hope to make this a regular feature. This was the first one I found but I know I wrote more... Remember that I'm sixteen, cant understand why girls (and most people) dont like me and I'm a lot more sensitive and deep than people think. Also I should say that although I wrote a great deal of my compositions as songs for my album, todays is a poem.

"ALONE"

It is raining very heavy now
I am surrounded by people
yet I am alone
But alone I am not
as Jesus is with me
Like my heart and my lungs
He will always be there
And When I am out on my own
I shall not be alone
Because Jesus is with me
and with me stay?
long past the day
My heart and my lungs are not [there]
It is raining very heavy now
I am surrounded by people



Holy fuck. I'd love some feedback.

Previously...........on wall of blog

Had to shut things down for a while.

Managed to convince myself that my work computer was being monitored remotely by head office.

Its not like its stacked with porn or anything bad but I write most of my blog posts there and they are derogatory about people within the organisation and contain things about transsexuals getting blow jobs.

Then I realised I don't live in jack Bauer 24 ctu land and nobody cares what I do.

I'm an idiot

Shilpa Poppadom?

Anyone see big brother last night?* It was a classic episode. Pringles got in hot water with Big Brother for shitting in the oven (his defence being “I’m mentally ill) and as punishment had to drink rat’s piss. Rats wasn’t happy about having to piss into a bottle in the diary room but rules are rules. Mellissa was not happy when M.C Blackskin (yo ya lookin’ @ me wha 4) said her tattoo looked wack. Mellissa, who has had Jordan’s face tattooed on to her own , got upset in diary room and vowed she would win big brother to prove the doubters wrong, and put money towards getting an extra large breast grafted on to her back “3 for 2 is an offer the jazz mags couldn’t refuse” she said. M.C Blackskin (yo ya lookin’ @ me wha 4) told her he would make it up to her and compose a rap about the incident some day. The white rapper is convinced big brother is just what his career needs. Another conflict arouse when Becks took offence to Dwayne’s “thinks he is Prince Andrew” attitude. “So what if I have 8 kids and am making 60000 pound a year on benefits I’m entitled to it, at least I earned it and wasn’t just handed money by mummies and pop pop” Dwayne later admitted in the diary room it wasn’t the benefits that annoyed him, it was the fact that while in the big brother house she left her kids in the care of Diana and Jade, her two dogs. When she quip “Babies shit, Dogs eat shit” Dwayne had had enough.

Other highlight of last nights episode included Geordie good time gal “Cheryalisous” (and pre op transsexual) getting a blow job from gay Gulf war veteran Michael. Michael who lost both arms, legs and his sight in the Gulf later said “Me wife’s going to kill me”

*I didn't see Big Brother last night. I'm guessing this is fairly spot on though.

"He's not Roy Walker Gareth"

Man, on the phone to his friend who was up in court today for beating up his girlfriend, just got the news that the scumbag got off so declared;

“Well done boy you won’t be on her Majesty’s secret service tonight”

Now.

Now.

Now drawing on my limited knowledge of the English justice system, which comes mainly from eastenders (and Wikipedia) I know that the saying “At Her Majesty's pleasure” is a slang term for being in prison. In England. On the other hand, drawing from my limited knowledge of film(and Wikipedia) “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” is the sixth film in the popular James Bond film series. Released in 1969, it is George lazenby’s one and only outing as the secret agent.

I wonder is there a part of his brain that just goes “Look, you don’t really know what you’re talking about, you have some hazy idea of something you have heard someone else say, try really hard piece it together and fire it out. If you pull this off you will look so cool. You will become know as the witty one in the group, people will marvel at your wonderful quips. You will be a “Character”. Conversely, if it doesn’t make any sense no one will really notice and they will let it slip past unnoticed. Although someone with an actual working brain may over hear and write about it on his blog, but I don’t concern myself with people with actual working brains so it makes no difference to me. It’s like that time my friend showed me a picture of a cow on his phone ,which I found impressive so I declared “She’s an animal” My friend agreed. I think someone in my office want to scream “OF COURSE SHE’S AN ANIMAL, WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE? SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING SEE” but they didn’t"

Anyway

"prisonmajestypleasureservicegogogo”

“Well done boy you won’t be on her Majesty’s secret service tonight”

Topical!!!!

vuvuzela

"If a lion could speak, we could not understand him"- Wittgenstein 1913 . (PI, p.223)

The man who orders the stationary and office supplies at work is a fucking idiot.

He ordered a calculator for one of the girls this week, what follows is the exchange between them after it arrived.

Fucking Idiot: Your new calculators here....Shes a ten Reg

Girl: What????

Fucking Idiot: Your calculators here....Shes a ten Reg(grinning like the gormless idiot that he is)

Girl: (laughing nervously) OK......I don't know what you mean

Fucking Idiot: Your calculators here....Shes a ten Reg

Girl : Okay....thanks

Fucking Idiot: Shes a ten Reg alright, top of the line!!!2010!!!!

(Girl long gone out of the room)

Fucking Idiot: A ten Reg!!

The Creative Process

Ideas which I have had today that for a second I thought I might be able to write a piece about.

luckily I came to my senses because they are all fucking rubbish and make me sick in my mouth a little.

1) About how I don't trust people with 085 or 083 numbers as they are fickle etc etc


I actually wouldn't be surprise if, in the future, I saw some Irish comedian, recognisable from the panel, doing a similar routine


2) A social netting working service called "bitter" for people with no friends!!

poor poor parody.

Could see it popping up in a celebrity impressions thing on channel four, someone dressed up as Peter Andre logging on to "bitter" (oh god, there's the mouth sick)

3) How annoyed I get when people hilariously say "What happens if you google "google"? Does like the Internet break or something"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" No. You get a fucking link to fucking google. Cunt.

But that observation is as weak as the observation I'm getting annoyed over.

Just had a packet of jelly tots. They were nice

Short Fat Bald Paedophile

SpecSaver's range of designer male glasses are all assigned peoples names. The above glass are called "Andy"

The above glass would only ever be worn by a short fat bald paedophile. Look at them!

I'm nearly there though. Need glasses, short, fat, balding.............oh no!!! It's like Minority Report!! These glasses have shown me my future!! The more I struggle to prevent it, the more likely it is to happen.

POLABLOGGING

POLABLOGGING

I can’t take it any longer. After another sleepless night pondering my future and the economy I have come to realise that my only hope is to re-launch this blog as a scathing critic of the current Fianna Fáil government and the Brian Cowen regime. If there is one thing this country needs it’s another person with half baked, ill conceived, uniformed views on the current economic climate. That person is me.

FAQS FAQS FAQS

What makes this blog different?

1) My razor sharp wit. Eg I will only refer to the The Fianna Fáil party as The Fianna Fail party BAAZING
2) Abbreviations Eg The current economic climate will be the cec
3) A love of foreigners. No fucking way am I cleaning toilets, let them all in.
4) It’s called Polablogging. I’ve invented my own verb!

How often will the blog be updated?

Every day until we get Brian COWman out of power

Will if feature satirical cartoons like the ones in the Irish times I don’t really understand?

Yes

What are my own political views?

I am young, fit,healthy and have loads of everything and no worries. I enjoy the latest technology, new clothes and fine foods. I am a massive consumer of retail goods from large corporations. I love Coke, Google and Microsoft and give little or nothing to people less well of than me, so obviously I’m a socialist.

Is this new style of blog just a poor attempt to satirise satire?

Yes

Why am I so angry?

I asked a man for directions today. He told me to go 3 miles and then go another 3 miles. Could have just said 6.

If I lost the ability to convey emotions in text form I would now insert an emoticon (what a fucking shite word) of a face going red looking angry and exploding. I may also include steam coming out of the "ears"

Luckily I can express myself through text.

What a fucking idiot. I feel like my face is going red, looking angry and exploding. I also feel as if steam is coming out of my hairs.

But just in case that's not clear enough....look at the kitten.

Makin shit up

Where there is livestock, there is deadstock, isn't that what they say?

Well no they don't.

Dead stock applies in retail to products that can no longer be sold or to the stock market when shares are worthless. Not to dead farm animals. Dead farm animals are dead livestock. Not "deadstock".

Cock.

Iron Man 2!

It's ok

New bloggins!

I have relaunched the blog as a witty movie blog!! You're in for a treat! First review or witty movie thing to follow soon!

Mary Harney

Went to give blood this evening. At a blood a bank. Yeah yeah I'm great, fair play to me, praise lavished upon me etc etc, not why I do it, but thanks. At the blood bank, whilst on the table being drained (don't know if thats the right term for it) I noticed why the HSE are in the state its in. You see, after you get tagged and bagged you sit around a table, drink coke and eat crisps and chocolate (thats why I do it)But while lying there looking at the table of sweets I was shocked and disgusted to see the table being taken up by small children!!!Drinking the coke and eating the sweets!! The parents come in to give blood and let their kids run wild like they are at a birthday party!!! They don't even give blood!!! Worst of all, a nurse has to pour the drinks and make sure the sweets keep coming! Years of training and valuable skills wasted because little harry wants a flake!!! Kids! Sit in the fucking car!! Hands off my sweets!!!

I only manged to get my hands on two flakes, a moro and a crunchie! (fun size, obviously)

The parents should either leave their off spring in the car or pay for the goods that are consumed!!!! I shall be notifying my local politician come election time (which can't come soon enough, aye politics fans??? oooooh politicians aye? Can't trust them!! Bankers!!)

Tuesday 25th March cont.....

Some more poetry. Try it yourself.

100 cement

Meaning: perfect, as good as can be, brilliant.


"Well lad ,thats perfect, 100 cement, sound,"

What a fucking idiot.

The Monster is Loose.

I will be writing a review of the new Meat loaf album "Hang Cool Teddy Bear" later on in the week. Don't worry, it will be the only time I will ever offer my tiny opinion on any piece of culture. (Although if it goes well I may do a full Meat Loaf retrospective)

Is their anything more annoying than people who think they know about films, music, books etc, forcing their opinion on you?

"What do mean you haven't seen Raging Bull? It's a classic,you have to see"

So I did.

It's fucking boring.

Ash

Volcano erupted. Flights cancelled. Thousands grounded. Thousands stranded. Costs to airlines and business' millions of pounds. Timely reminder from mother nature of mans place on the planet and ultimately no matter how advanced our technology that we are essentially at the mercy of the uncontrollable natural events that over billions of years have shaped our planet, universe and solar system and that we are inconsequential in the over all scheme of the vastness of space? Nope, it was a coincidence.

Social Commentary?

Just checking the news today, I love the news always checking the news, newspapers news on line news on 6, I’m a news hound. The main head line today involved the successful separation of Irish conjoined twins. Hooray!! Great news. My heart is toasty….but in the statement realised by the understandable overjoyed and relived parents, the first “person” they thank is…can you guess…yes that’s right…. god! god!!! Do you think that maybe, just maybe the doctors and surgeons might be a tiny bit annoyed? Just a little bit? A pretty much lifetimes worth of study, dedication, practice and hard work and the parents thank god??! In the broader picture, centuries of medical science and ground breaking work by brave scientists to get surgery to a place where two conjoined twins can be separated successfully and the parents thank a pretend man in the sky!! I can’t imagine he had much of a hand in it really. Although I do think Darth vader caused the current banking crises….and superman is responsible for Barack Obama’s presidency…….and September 11th is Bono’s fault.

Good news about the babies though. Well done Doctors.

OMG!!! Nw luk walo'blg!!!

alrit blg fns! wats d crc????!!!?!?! me blg ws squre so I cool'in it up. frm nw on it gona be dedly crc n dat. gona hv al d latst gos n cl pics it gona b wiked. i d bst blg on d hol net :) alrit gota go c me m8s 4 crc nw so chec l8r 4 al d crc n pics o me n me m8s doin cl tings n dat, giz al ur fedbc on d nw blg n d buzz n dat n rembr no sqrs on me blg! lol!


b me frd @ www.bebo.com/waloblg plz n jon d facbk grp "I Don't usually read blogs, but I recently discovered Andrew Smith's Wall of blog and I thought that post with the picture of the dog and the Jaws quote was good so now I check it most days now. It's not as good as it used to be though. I also eat three meals a day, sleep at night time and breathe air. OMG We have like so much in common!" plz if i gt 58008 fns b4 d reckinin i wil b lk so ap e!

metapostmodern

Social situation!

How awkward I am!

What a person said!

Pick apart a mannerism or turn of phrase!

Dissection of this!

Pathetically pick apart their character.

Do these things to unsuccessfully mask how uncomfortable and inept I am.

Seemingly self deprecate but do this to show how self aware I am and therefore
superior!

Don’t actually realise that self deprivation and acknowledgement of
flaws is not an excuses for said flaws.

What I said!

But what I actually thought!

Complete opposites!

Be witty and focus on the seemingly banal aspects of things.

Over analise the trivial!

Reference obscure pop culture!

Include an in joke!

Address the reader!

Undermine the post with a seemingly sudden change of character and breaking of the fourth wall.

Be afraid to show a strong opinion on anything in case people don't like me!

A poem

"Some day" he said,
as the snow fell down
I sat there thinking
this mans a clown

So very young
But talks so old
loves to complain about the cold

Snow in March!
so very queer
It doesn't happen every year

"In like a lamb but out like a lion"
that kind of sayin'
I'm just not buyin'

but "they" say it
is what I'm told
really??
At twenty five years old?

People who just copy what their parents say
don't deserve the time of day



Sorry for just making some words rhyme like a small child would do. It won't happen again.

Any Plans?

Second on the list of conversation starters in Ireland (second to the weather of course) is the "Weekend" The Weekend! the Weekend!! The weekend is a magical period of time, two days in which people do stuff. The Weekend, Saturday and Sunday .You make plans for it,telling people about these plans, you carry out these plans, you then tell people (who ask, or who don't)how this went in relation to the planning stage. Now I don't mind my friends telling me about stuff they do, weekend or otherwise, and, will also tell people about what I did (if I think they will find it even remotely interesting) But talking about it for sake of having something to talk about, just to fill some beautiful silence, is something I'm learning and have to get used to. So you have exaushterd the weather, (there giving snow for the weekend) there is silence, you don't know the people well enough to pull a topic out of the air at random (Best biscuit, opinion on peas, were you watching the wonders of the universe on bbc 2 last night) so it falls to "Do any thing exciting at the weekend" For me, this is always a resounding no. in my head. I know I did not do anything exciting, Whatever I did, I enjoyed it. I watched dvds, played computer games and went on the Internet. But it wasn't exciting for me. or you. BUT I must always always always always justify myself to the other person.I can't ever come out and say "Yeah so what? I'm boring" I have to set up some conditions. So I'm asked " go at anything exciting for the weekend?" I say no, but I also say, "not this weekend" Not this weekend! This implies I do exciting things some weekends and may do something exciting next weekend(I wont) and then we banter about how you have to put the feet up some weekends(all weekends) and it's grand to have a quiet one from time to time(all the time)Once the pleasantries of checking out my weekend are done and I have justified my existence to the other person, it is good social practice to say "What about yourself" . I only figured this out recently and it pains me to ask it. It hurts. I don't care about your weekend. Couldn't give a shite. blah blah blah blah blah. "Wow what an exciting life you lead" "the pub is it" "you'll probably have a few drinks there you will. In the pub. where you are going. at the weekend" of course this only applies to those placeholder/fill the silence with people I don't like conversation.

Once the previous weekend is done and dusted, once Tuesdays comes the "Any plans for the weekend" conversations can start

"Any plans for the weekend?"

"No not this weekend"

"Ah its good to have a quiet one from time to time"

"you need to put the feet up"

I don't want to be on the telly but...

...I just want to write a humorous column in a weekend broadsheet newspaper, please will somebody give me a job writing a humorous column in a weekend broadsheet newspaper or even the life style supplement. I'll take a humorous and sideways look at something going on in my own life or in the media, I don't mind I just want to write a humorous column in a weekend broadsheet newspaper(or the lifestyle supplement)I'll even write for the Evening Heralds' Thursday pull out supplement. Please, I will take a satirical look at Ireland's nouveau riche in the post celtic tiger age for the Independents' life magazine or a hilarious look at at a clueless culchie's night out in Temple Bar for the Herald! Downloading killing the Irish music industry? How about looking at it from the other side! Man who runs the times Ticket magazine, give me a call! The property crash, the government, facebook, the ipad, the late late, anorexia, jedward, ryanair, the dole ques, the decling influence of the catholic church in Ireland, Mary Harney, humorous, satirical, sideways glance,......

Please, I just want to write a humorous column in a weekend broadsheet newspaper.

Poetry

***WARNING***This post contains foul language, words like FUCK and CUNT. Don't read it if you are easily offended***

The "man" I "work" with loves making things rhyme. It’s like some form of Longfordesque cockney rhyming slang.

Some Examples

1)Flat to the Mat

2)Bell on the Cell

3)Relax the Tax

You are confused. I will translate each one and use them in a sentence.

1)Flat to the mat; Busy

Example "Well lad, not ah fuckin' hope a gettin out to ya this afternoon, I'm flat to the mat boy"

2)Bell on the Cell; Verb, to make a telephone Call

Example

" Is that cunt still on ta ya? wait til I give him a bell on the cell, I'll tell him where to stick his wibbly wobbly wonder"

3) Relax the Tax; Calm down

Example

“Just relax the tax for wan fuckin’ second until I get a loc a grub into the belly and she will be away again or you’ll not see her until Christmas me boy, or if you do she will have the hair colour changed if you know wha I mean or maybe ya don’t but ya will shortly!!!!!”

Poetry is fun.

Made up joke party

I am trying to write a blasphemous joke. The punch line is “The opal fruits of thy womb” I just can’t get the feed line.

What sweets does god allow in heaven?

What are god’s favourite sweets?

Not funny.

What are the holiest sweets?

That’s not bad. I’ll take it.

“What are the holiest sweets?”

“The opal fruits of thy womb”

Or how about

Jesus asked God

“What are holiest sweets dad?”

He replied

“It’s the opal fruits of thy womb, Jesus”

Although that sounds a bit like Jesus has a womb and there are star burst in it.

It needs work.

Happy Dog

"he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin"

Cheap lazy Nostalgia

Remember how when you were young, and had a really nice lunch to bring to school,maybe cheese on your sandwiches or a couple of biscuits, you could not wait until lunch time to come so you could tuck in? You would eat the biscuits on the bus on the way to school. Or how you did swimming lessons in kells just because Mammy made turkey and ham rolls to eat afterwards? But you would eat the ham out of them on the way. It doesn't actually stop as you get older. I ate my lunch at 11 o'clock today. Was late to work as I had to sign on the dole this morning, but called into skellys on the way in to get a sandwich for lunch. Chicken stuffing. So I arrived into work at 10:45. As I was in I was asked to cover the phones so the rest of the office could take a tea break. They left. I was here on my own. With a chicken stuffing sandwich and a can of Pepsi max. No way was it going to last until lunch time.

I probably should have eaten breakfast.

It was nice though. Going to get another at one at lunchtime

Some Context....

RE: The previuos post.

The men were discussing "the rugby" and how big the players are and how many chops they must eat when

"An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”

”An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”

”An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”

The Greatest Boast I Have Ever heard!!!

This really came up in conversation. I wasn’t part of the conversation but I over heard it. I wish I was in a situation where I could say this, or I had friends who would be impressed by it. Actually not really, I cant imagine what it would be like to spend time with people who would be impressed by this. Anyway here it is……………..

Deep Breath


”An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”

Read it again

”An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”

Again

”An uncle of mine once ate 13 potatoes….and they weren’t baby boiled ones either”

I could include the context but I don’t want to. Just remember it was 100% free of irony. And the folks he told were in awe.

I think I'm going to explode. I'm so happy I got to witness this moment.

St Patricks Day!

St Patricks day is stupid.

A Game of Weather

Anyone fancy a game of weather? A conversation about the weather between two adult Irish males is not just a bit of a chat, it is in fact a fiercely competitive duel from which only one winner emerges. The rules of weather are as follows.

1) The opener.
One male comments on the weather.

Example;

Male 1 : “touch of spring about it”

2) The second male responds
This comment must reinforce the opener BUT also undermine the opener

Example;

Male 1: “touch of spring about it “

Male 2 : “aye but its cool”

3) Complaining

But men now run with boundaries established in round 2. Both men will be complaining.

Male 1: “touch of spring about it “

Male 2 : “aye but its cool”

Male 1: “ Not much grass growing”

Male 2: “We deserve a bit of sun shine after the winter we had”

Both men will have the opinion that there is an individual, or group responsible for the bad weather and an air of suspicion about them. If possible, they will blame the government.

Male 1: “touch of spring about it “

Male 2 : “aye but its cool”

Male 1: “ Not much grass growing”

Male 2: “We deserve a bit of sunshine after the winter we had”

Male 1: “There is something they are not telling us”

Male 2: “ Not much grass growing”

Round three can last several hours.

4) The finish

The most powerful man in a game of weather will be the man who knows “WHAT THEY ARE GIVING”


Male 1: “touch of spring about it “

Male 2 : “aye but its cool”

Male 1: “ Not much grass growing”

Male 2: “We deserve a bit of sunshine after the winter we had”

Male 1: “There is something they are not telling us”

Male 2: “ Not much grass growing”

Male 1: “ They are giving it until Sunday”

The second man should ,under no circumstances agree, with this

Male 2: “I thought it was to pick up before the weekend”

It is now all about who wants it more

Male 1: “ No, it’s until Sunday”

Male 2: “ Oh is it”

And Male two has surrendered! White flag in the air!

I am a prick

I am applying to do a masters course in september. As part of the thing I had to write 600 about my hopes and dreams.

This is the rough draft I have just finished. Still full of mistakes.

"In the current economic climate I believe that a master’s qualification is very important. It feels to me at the moment that my education, even at honours degree level, is incomplete. I completed my degree last year with the view to taking a year out before applying for a master’s course and gaining work experience and saving money. Applying for positions has only reinforced in my mind the importance of further education. After much fruitless searching for work and a couple of small opportunities I have started a fas work placement programme, which although is unpaid, it is giving me valuable experience in the recruitment industry. I feel that with my current unpaid work experience and hopefully an eventual masters qualification I will be in an ideal position to begin a career I will like and will be much more attractive to potential employers. I also feel that now is the perfect time in my life to begin a masters course, I am still hungry to learn and develop further and I don’t know if I were to leave it for another year or more if I still will be. Also migration is becoming an option (or a necessity) and I don’t want to have to leave Ireland, I feel if I do now I may never get a chance to complete my studies. I have always thought that I don’t want to be a person who studies a subject at third level and then ends up working in a completely different area. I am determined to finish my studies and begin a career that I have been working hard for the past number of years.

I feel that that the economic downturn has presented me with the chance to really embrace the chance to further my studies and my academic career. I think that one should look at and seek out the positive aspects of the situation. It would be too easy to use the recession as an excuse to give up and settle into a job one would be unhappy in or even to live off social welfare payments but I do not want to do this I believe that it has presented me with a challenge and a chance to work hard to overcome the adverse economic conditions and strengthen my character. I feel education and a chance to study the current working environment will be essential as Ireland emerges from recession into a changed business and economic world.

I feel that due to my current situation after a long period of unemployment and doing work placement for free I am in the perfect frame of mind to tackle something as work intensive as a master’s qualification. I have realized now more than ever how much having a goal and a task means to me and how important it is to keep ones minded focused and active. I think now after a period of not working I will appreciate the challenge and the opportunity even more then I would have other wise.

I think that the work that I am currently doing in the recruitment industry as part of my work placement program will be very beneficial to me in doing a masters qualification in hr and industrial relations. It is giving me first hand experience of one aspect of hr that I feel will be an excellent spring board back into studying the subject, as the placement ends in august I think that it will the perfect time to start, as opposeeed to after a period of unemployment. I think seeing the industry and then studying at that level will give me an excellent feel for the world of hr and set me up very well for my future career"

What a Dickhead

My Gambling Addiction

Lost ten euro on the Oscars last night. The Coen brothers' "A Serious Man" should win every award there is in the world. It and Fantastic Mr Fox. The two best films of the last year. Anyway I put ten euro on a serious man to win best picture at 100/1. It was a fun bet. The second bet I placed this year. The other one was on the super bowl a few weeks ago. Won 17.50! Go Colts! or Saints! Or lakers or other american team. God bless America. So I'm up 7.50 including my loss last night. Two bets this year on two novelty events. My Mother is now convinced I have an addiction to gambling. No matter what the result last night,this was always going to be the outcome. If I won, that was it, I would get drunk on the thrill of winning so much money and if I lost,like I did, I'm going to keep gambling to cover my losses. Damm right I am, going to put a monkey on little toddy pipkins in the 3:15. Not really. I might bet on who killed Archie Mitchell though. I reckon Bradly did it. I don't think betting on novelty events is the same as a gambling addiction. I don't think I can go to gamblers anonymous and confess my addiction of betting 2 euro on the outcome of a soap story line or who will win x factor(Damm you Stacy!) It would be like going to a meeting for drug addicts and saying I can't shake this twix addiction. I eat 3 a day. It's not real gambling is it? Its as much gambling as watching pulp fiction is taking smack. Tony Soprano doesn't organise an executive game for people watching dancing on ice, although that would be a good episode "aaaa 5gs on the guy from boyzone aaaa bada bing etc"

Maybe I do have a problem? Maybe I'm in denial. It will be in embarrassing in 5 years time, reading this, when I need to borrow money from my family to place a bet on which celebrity will be mauled to death in what ever the latest show is.

How not to eat Ice-Cream

Ice-cream should only come in single serving tubs. If you want more, buy two. Or three. Big tubs are bad. If there is a large tub that must be divided up between many people, use a single spoon to serve it into individual dishes and give each individual person a separate spoon. Never just leave it a free for all. It's not that I don't like sharing, I do, I'm very nice. But if the tub is opened and everyone dives in with their spoons it is just disgusting. Spoon goes in ice cream. Spoon goes in mouth. Spoon goes back into ice-cream. Mouth. Ice cream. Mouth. Ice-cream. Mouth. Ice-cream. This is fine for one person, but when there are 2,3,4 + people doing this it is horrible. All those spoons in all those mouths in just ONE tub of Ice Cream!!!! It soon becomes a tub of ice cream with added saliva. Think about it. Why not just regurgitate the ice cream into each others mouths like a mother bird feeding it's babies!!!

Doesn't just apply to ice cream. Jelly too.

Chinese?

Saturday afternoon. All I can think about is getting a chinese tonight. Firstly, do I even need Chinese? It is really bad for you. Signed up for the great Ireland run this week on the 19th of April, trying to get back in shape for that after a winters grazing. Chinese wont help. But it tastes so nice. Secondly, if I do get chinese, What will I have? I could play it safe and go for a chicken curry, rice and chips. (Rice and Chips! Carbs&Carbs) I do like a house special fried rice with curry chips too, its like a chicken curry with a different selection of meats but the balance between liquid (the curry) and solids (meats,rice,chips) is incredibly disproportionate. Almost enough to put you off. I do enjoy a beef mushroom blackbean sauce ((rice and chips)lets take rice and chips as a given))but it doesn't fill you up as satisfying as the dishes mentioned above. Also heard this week about a duck pancake dish which provides the ingredients separately. Crispy duck, pancakes,vegs and sauces and you make it yourself. I would like to try but I'm not sure I want to risk something new. It sounds a bit slight, a bit limp. Thirdly, it's still another 3 and a half hours until chinese time. Who knows whats going to happen in that time that will influences my decision. Maybe I will eat too many biscuits and not want chinese? Maybe someone will suggest we go out for dinner? Maybe someone will buy something nice in the shop an I will eat that instead. Who knows.

Anyway, back to watching the Sopranos

Saturday is the best day of the week.

Flight of the Conchords.

Flight of the Conchords sold out instantly. Within seconds. I could sell my five spare tickets for hundreds of euro to the poor unfortunate people who didn't manage to get any, but I won't. I will keep them and sell them to my family and friends at face value. I hope everyone I got a ticket for realises how amazing I am and showers me with praise and gifts. Praise and Gifts please! Take a moment. Sit down. Think about how great I am. Shower me with Praise.............Stop,no stop really, nor why I do it, don't need or want the praise.

Dragons Den

Dragons Den was good last night. I liked the burgers. I'm not sure about the Bin thing though. At least Sarah invested at last. I think the bin thing would get old quickly. Use it once and then take it off. And put it in the bin. Which is ironic.

Friday 5th March

Happy Blog day